TMI Tuesdays!

1. How many speeding tickets have you had? Accidents?

Oh jeesh, I can’t begin to count them. Knock on wood, haven’t had either one in YEARS. But if you’d like to read all about past crashes and tickets, you can click HERE, HERE, or HERE.

 2. Boxers, briefs or commando?

My undie drawer has a wide assortment. But I prefer the support of a brief or boxer brief most days, and especially if I am exercising. Commando just seems unsanitary for some reason…though if Im just being a bum around the house, I’ve been known to roll like that.

3. Have you ever had sex in your office or your place of employment?

Maybe a little sucky sucky at one of my jobsites once. (don’t judge, it was out in the middle of nowhere!) but never in my office. Or anyone else’s office for that matter. Hmmm…I need to start a list of places to try out. The more of these TMI Tuesdays I do, the more I realize how pathetically dull my sex life is.

4. Do you or your s.o. own a motorcycle? Do you ever ride one? Do you wear a helmet when you ride?

No and no. I have ridden one a few times in my life, but they aren’t for me. If I want the wind in my hair, a convertible is the way to go, and I don’t have to worry about falling over at a stoplight.

5. Ever been skinny dipping?

Yes, in the ocean a few times. Actually, the first time, I was with some friends and they dared me to do it. So I stripped off and ran into the surf, leaving my clothes on the beach. And those two bitches took off with everything but the RED BRIEFS I had on that day. I had to walk across a busy road, through the parking lot of our condo, up the elevator, and down the hall wearing nothing but wet underwear.

Bonus: Ever been arrested? Turned someone in/had someone arrested?

No, although the po-leece did make a few appearances at my first apartment to respond to noise complaints. (We lived next door to a frat house, if peace and quiet was what the exchange student next door was seeking, he should have rented elsewhere)

Monday Morning Mish Mash

1. Why is it that the batteries in smoke detectors never go out until the middle of the night? I was ripped from my sleep at 5 AM by an ominous beep. Of course, my first reaction is that the house is on fire. So I sit straight up in bed, but don’t hear it again, so I rolled over and went back to sleep. BEEP! Woke up again, knowing that we had just changed all the batteries in the smoke detectors less than a month ago. Figured I was dreaming and went back to sleep. BEEP! Got up, walked from room to room trying to figure out which one was beeping. (There are a total of five in the house, with the “Beep” happening about every two minutes, there was an awful lot of me standing blank-eyed under smoke detectors this morning.) It didn’t seem to be coming from any of them. I was afraid this meant there was some wiring problem (the internet and satellite have been cutting in and out a lot the past two weeks, and all of those are tied into the “smart wiring” that feeds the alarms). I cursed the thought of having to hire an electrician to come in, and decided I’d risk burning to death for another hour of sleep. Finally, once I had showered the BEEP! was happening often enough that I was able to trace it to the carbon monoxide detector. Which hangs over the stairwell and requires a chair and an advanced yoga position to get to. I ripped the damn thing off the wall. Carbon monoxide poisoning is a painless death, whereas listening to that BEEP! is a form of torture no longer sanctioned by our government.

2. Speaking of our government, the spammers are apparently working off of our President’s relative popularity with crap like “Obama urges you to refinance!” and “Obama urges single mothers to go back to school!”. Now I’m all for education, and if refinancing will put some dollars in your pocket, go for it. But have we become so stupid that we have to be “urged” by politicians, celebrities, and unnamed experts? I’m just waiting to open my inbox and see a message “Obama urges you to add inches to your manhood.”

3. I had a BLAST at Carowinds on Friday despite the stifling heat. The lines were short and the rides were great. It’s always good to get to be a kid again. The most thrilling was the “Nighthawk” (in the video above–take a dramamine before watching) You are basically laid back flat and then turned upside down, twisted around, and plunged headfirst toward the ground and water. What a rush! But my Gawd, the price of food and beverage there. For a bottle of water, $3.75. For four of us to have an unimpressive hamburger, fries, and drink? $57!

4. What a week it was for celebrity deaths. We all knew Farrah and Ed McMahon weren’t long for this earth, but what a shock it was to lose Michael Jackson. And while I thought his commercials were as irritating as single ply toilet paper, I was equally shocked at the death of Billy Mays. Michael Jackson was a strange character to be sure, but I never believed the abuse allegations against him–I think they were launched by money grubbing parents. What was your favorite Michael Jackson song? One of my favorites, and fitting to his passing, is “You are Not Alone” it was one of the songs we played at my sister’s memorial service.

Sex and Roller Coasters

As we stood in line at Carowinds, a friend and I remarked that Roller Coasters were a lot like sex/lovers.

1. Some just go up and down, others throw you all around and upside down.

2. You always wish it had lasted just a little longer.

3. Sometimes, all you can do is get through it and pray you don’t get sick.

4. You wish everybody else didn’t want to ride the good ones so you could get on more often.

5. Often, the ride isn’t as thrilling as you had hoped.

6. You always want to ride again.

7. You probably ought to take your glasses off, and your hair is going to get messed up afterward.

8. You’ll probably want a shower when you’re done.

9. If you don’t take the proper precautions, you’ll end up seeking medical help.

Blast From the Past–Strawberry Hill

Many a college night was passed with a bottle or four of Boone’s Farm. Enjoy this trip down memory lane.

Sanford’s Mistress Exposed!

So, wanna see what Maria Belen Shapur, Governor Mark Sanford’s mistress looks like?

Feast your eyes:

Conversations With Mother

“I saw a little boy walking the cutest dog in the parking lot today. But it’s collar was too tight. I told that little boy to see if it was ok with his mommy if I gave him two dollars to go over to the Dollar General and get it a new one.”

“What did she say?”

“Hold on, I’m looking at something…”

two second pause…

” what was we talkin’ about?”

“The little boy and his dog.”

“Oh it was so cute! A mix of a spitz and…”

silence

“And what?”

“Huh?”

“A mix of a spitz and what?”

“I was looking at something and lost my train of thought.”

“A little boy. A dog. A collar.”

“Oh yeah! It was a mix of a spitz and…I don’t know…something taller than a spitz.”

“Is there a point to this story?”

“I don’t even know.”

“I’ve got to run to a meeting. Goodbye.”

 

Don’t Cry For Me Argentina…

Unless you’ve had your computer and televisions off this week, you know by now that South Carolina governor Mark Sanford has confessed to cheating on his wife with an Argentinian woman he apparently met on the interwebs. While I hesitate to weigh in on the issue at all, since it seems to be the only newsworthy item this week, I just can’t keep my mouth shut.

First, let’s recap. Over the weekend there was much local buzz over the fact that Gubna Sanford was “missing.” I failed to see what the big deal was–even Governors are entitled to a vacation, and this one did just lose a contentious battle over stimulus dollars. His wife said she didn’t know where he was, his staff said he had gone hiking on the Appalachian Trail.

When we flew to California a few weeks ago, I saw Sanford getting off a plane, alone, and remarked that it seemed odd that he wasn’t with any security detail or other entourage. This week, reporters found  his car at the airport, which seemed to shatter the story that he was off hiking. I joked that he was probably just jetting around to have an affair.

The good Gubna was spotted at the Atlanta airport, and when pressed by reporters, indicated that he had changed his mind about hiking and flown to Argentina instead. “I wanted to do something exotic,” he said. In a press conference yesterday, he revealed that the exotic thing he was doing was an Argentinian woman with whom he had an 8 year email “friendship” that culminated into a sexual affair about a year ago. His wife has known for five months, and he hopes for her forgiveness.

Now, I have long shook my head at the political wives who will stand there like a bobble headed doll while their husbands admit to affairs, hookers, and wide restroom stances. But not Jenny Sanford. Ole Mark stood up there and bawled his eyes out alone. Take note, political wives. In a statement later in the day, Mrs. Sanford said “We reached a point where I felt it was important to look my sons in the eyes and maintain my dignity, self-respect, and my basic sense of right and wrong. I therefore asked my husband to leave two weeks ago.”

Girl kicked his ass out! I can not think of another political wife in recent history who has shown that kind of backbone. And while her statement went on to say that the couple hopes to reconcile and that  “I believe Mark has earned a chance to resurrect our marriage.”  I have to wonder if the ink isn’t already drying on the divorce filing. How does a man earn such a chance when his ass just flew to Argentina THIS WEEK? That doesn’t appear to be the actions of a man bent on saving his marriage.

Sanford has resigned as head of the Republican Governor’s Convention, but apparently has no plans to resign from his position as Governor. And I am fine with that. While I think in many ways he has screwed South Carolina like it was his Buenos Aires mistress, his personal failures have no bearing on his job performance. (Although it might be noted that he is technically a criminal now, as SC statutes call for a 6-12 month prison term for adultery). As a Congressman, Sanford voted to impeach President Clinton in the wake of the Lewinsky scandal–a vote we have to wonder if he now regrets since he finds himself in much the same situation. And while Sanford has gained respect for his firm fiscally conservative policies, he has taken a lighter approach with the polarizing social issues that many conservatives use to rile up their base. Still, as recently as two weeks ago he was urging for the protection of the ole “sanctity of marriage” (You know, marriage is one man and one woman, but what happens in another hemisphere ain’t nobody’s bidness.), a cry that is way beyond hypocritical.

Once on the short list of McCain’s Vice Presidential picks, and considered a sure fire contender for the 2012 Presidency, most now conclude that Sanford’s politcal aspirations are over. Perhaps he has  a future as  a trashy romance novelist though, as emails from the Governor to his paramour read like something that ought to have Fabio on the cover:

“You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that so fitting with your beauty.”

“I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night’s light”

Gag.

Sister Myotis on Democrat Panties

If you need a laugh today, check this out:

Conversations With Mother

Tuesday, 8 AM

“How ya doin’?”

“Not feeling awake yet, but otherwise fine.”

“Well, at least it’s Fry-dee.”

“It’s Tuesday.”

“Oh.”

Same Tuesday, 4 PM

“You sound sleepy.”

“It’s just been kind of a long day.”

“Mun-dees are always like that.”

“It’s Tuesday.”

“Well…Mun-dees and Tooz-dees.”

Monday Morning Mish Mash

 

1. I spent the end of last week and a good chunk of the weekend getting over some kinda stomach flu/food poisoning. I’m not sure which, as there’s been a stomach bug going around, but my symptoms presented after Japanese takeout. Such things make for a great diet. If I could have just stayed sick a few more days, I might be able to get into my skinny jeans. You know, that pair of jeans everyone has that doesn’t QUITE fit but you hold on to them because you know one day…one day SOON…they will.

2. I got into the pool for the first time this weekend. I’ve laid out by it a few times, but the water was just now warm enough for me to brave it. I like my pool almost bathwater warm before I will put myself through that initial shock of submersion. Of course, it was 100 degrees this Saturday, so I looked like raw chicken after two hours out there, despite using a 30 SPF sunscreen. The Easter Bunny brought me the best pool float. Its inflatable along the edges and at the “pillow” but the center is mesh, so you can float along partially submerged in the water.

3. I use DSL for my internet service at home. For the past several weeks, it will intermittently just stop working. Usually just long enough to make me curse, then start working again. I called my provider two weeks ago, and “Chad” (whose real name is no doubt Abdoochawakkifaldi) suspected that my modem was dying and sent out a new one. It arrived, and within a day or two it was obvious the problem was NOT solved. So I called back yesterday and got “Brian” (riiiiight) explained the whole thing to him, emphasizing that the service just cut in and out, sometimes for seconds (just long enough to sign me out of messengers), sometimes for a few minutes. He puts me through all the normal troubleshooting–asking me which lights are lit, which are blinking, etc. Apparently, that one of the lights was flashing was a bad thing. So he did a “test” of some sort and the offending light came back on solid. He proclaimed it fixed. I wasn’t so sure. But as he thanked me for being a valued customer, it started flashing again. “Oh so it’s an intermittent issue then!” he proclaimed. No shit, Sherlock. What did I tell you when you answered the phone?? So next I had to move furniture to unplug the line, carry the modem to another room, and see if it flashed or stayed lit in another jack (it flashed), before Brian conceded that I needed a service technician. So now, of course, I have to spend Wednesday evening sitting at home waiting on some guy to show up and “fix” the problem.

4. Crazy mama is back to her morning breakfast of pharmaceuticals. Somehow, Sunday morning at 6 AM she hit a pothole and shredded a tire and a rim. (She claims someone ran her off the road but you can draw your own conclusion.) Of course she wanted money to fix it, and as usual I told her no. (why on Earth does she continue to ask?? Do I have to get ugly to get her to stop?)  “I caint (that’s “can’t” for all of you that don’t speak Appalachian) get no one to help me.” I asked how much the repair would cost, and she had no idea.

“How do you know how much money you need then?” I asked her.

 “I’m just guessin what it’ll cost.”

“Make some calls and find out before you start asking for money.”

She called back a few hours later, but I let it go to voicemail. I called back after the second message (which, for the third time, told me the tragic news of her busted tire as if I hadn’t spoken to her about it already). She sounded like Ozzie Osbourne.

“I can’t understand you.”

“mumble mumble, I just woke up he increased my sleeping medicine cuz I’ve been having the most vivid dreams. slur mumble slur”

“Well call me back when you’re awake.”

“mumble mumble…Sharon!….slur mumble”

“Goodbye.”

5. Guess what I’m doing this Friday?? The pic at the top is a big clue. I’m finally getting a day at Carowinds. I love a good theme park, and am really pumped about riding the rides! Roller coasters and water slides–gotta love ’em!