Mama on Catholicism, “Forners”, and Her Last Wishes

My conversations with my crazy mama have been fewer and farther between lately. For this, I am thankful. I have enough shit going on in my own life. But she called today, and my Lord if we’d been having the conversation face to face I would have had to take a handful of her nerve pills just to get through it.

We somehow got onto the topic of my father’s family. She and my father divorced when I was a toddler. A few flicks of the beads on your abacus will tell you that was nearly 30 damn years ago (though if you’d like to swear it couldn’t have been more than 20, I’ll let you). Just as some background, throughout my childhood and college days, Mom tried all she could to extort money from Dad. To this day, she feigns insult if he doesn’t call her on Mother’s Day. (He pointed out decades ago that she wasn’t his mother,  but when you have the sense of entitlement that she has, he should not only call her, but probably send a check each year for bearing his child.)

Anyhoo…mom asked about one of my Dad’s brothers and his wife. I’ve no clue why. But I was telling her that their two kids  have devoted themselves in admirable ways to their religion–one is a recent graduate with a degree in Divinity, the other travels the world doing missionary work. (Both are in their mid twenties, which makes their work all the more admirable for some reason). Both were raised and continue to work in the Baptist (or Baptist-ish) faith. Mom asked if my Aunt and Uncle were also active in the Baptist church. I told her they were, and had been for some time. This seemed to surprise her because my father and his siblings were raised Catholic (though none of them have ever practiced it in my lifetime).

“The rest of ‘em are holy water throwin’, sit in a box and tell a preacher–well not a preacher, but what do you call him?–your sins”

“A Priest?”

“A priest, that’s it. I never had so much exercise in a church in my life. Sit down stand up kneel bow oh father hail Mary!”

“Oh God.”

“Throwin’ Holy water around! I told yer daddy we don’t do that at a Baptist church. They might annoint you with a little oil…they did that for your sister you know, and I’ve got the rest of the bottle of the oil. Was you ever annointed?”

“No, I think it would break my skin out.” (my skin is sensitive, y’all!)

“It smells so good…I think it’s got frankencense and myrrh in it. Anyway I think your daddy wanted me to convert to Catha…Calotha…Caloticism…whatever you call it. But I said, no sir, no child of mine’s getting put through all that sit down stand up and having holy waters thrown at him. I was scared to death.”

I might interject here that I’m fairly certain that Dad was not so much a practicing Catholic in those days that the idea of her converting to his faith was ever anything more than a light conversation…but by now y’all know how Mama likes to exaggerate.

I tuned out for a few minutes and came back to the conversation when she started babbling about the swine flu.

“I ain’t convinced that it ain’t something some of these FORNERS have set on us as a biological warfare!”

“I’m sure you aren’t the first crazed nutjob person to have that theory.”

“It might not even be a virus at all…might be chemical agents. I ain’t takin’ that shot.”

I tuned out again.

“Next time you come up on a Fri-dee, gimme a few weeks notice so we can go up to the lawyer and get my will in writing and all. If we don’t, the state will take everything.”

“I’m pretty sure I’d be next of kin (God help me) and it would all go to me anyway.”

“I think if you don’t leave a will the state just takes ever-thing you have.”

“Well, call the lawyer and find out.”

“I want you to have it all. ‘Course you won’t want my clothes, give those to someone needy, but not the Salvation Army…” (no clue why that proviso was added, and I think the poor have suffered enough, I will not donate her Debbie Gibson ruffle-top socks, her Ho Fo’ Sho’ skirts, nor her acre of too-tight denim to anyone who isn’t doing a remake of “Fame“)

“All my lotions and perfumes and smell-good stuff you can give to The Black Girl Anita.” (This “girl” it should be noted, is a grandmother.) I do not know Anita, but I suppose I will take out an ad upon mother’s death that reads:

“Will Anita, a Black Girl,  please contact me in regards to an inheritance of half-used bottles of Bath and Body Works products that you are to receive.”

“…and I reckon you ought to give some of that kinda thing to Cassie, even if she does have 25 personalities.”

“Ok. Will do.”

“Of course, this house and everything in it is yours. Just sell the house, but don’t let it go for less than so many thousand. And keep that kitchen table. I bought that with money I got bein’ in that car wreck when you was two. And that bedroom suit (suit, not suite) at the front of the house is worth some big money, it was one of only 400 of ‘em made when we got it….” (Lord help, she is still holding onto that line the furniture salesman gave her 29 years ago?? They only made 400 because no one else would buy the damned ugly thing. Who in their right mind wants a bed with a covered bridge carved into the headboard???) “This furniture in my room just give it away to somebody unless you have a spot for it or something…it ain’t got no value to it. And I can’t even go in that other room where your sister’s bed is yet but I imagine you’ll want that too…” She breaks off into tears at this point…which would be well understandable if A. she was talking about my sister’s childhood bedroom, or B. at least her childhood furniture. But neither myself nor my late sister have EVER slept in the house mom lives in now, and none of the furniture in it comes from the rooms we grew up in. This “sister’s room” is merely the other guest room that mom had at one time decorated in colors she mistakenly thought my sister might like.

“the recliner in the living room was your grandpa’s, you’d like to have that….”  Um, no, he has been dead over twenty years and I don’t like brand-new recliners, let alone ones that are as old as I am.

“and the living room suit (again with the suit, as if the  room were dressed for an interview) is like brand-new, it ain’t hardly ever been sat in.” That might be because she put piles of clothes on the sofa and chair when she moved in five years ago and has yet to get around to finding them a home in, say, a closet.

At this point, I carefully reached for my other phone and dialed my own cell number.

“Mom, I’m getting a call I need to take.”

“Ok honey, now call me back later. Promise?”

“Promise.”

I had my fingers crossed, so I don’t REALLY have to call back do I??

Just in Time for Halloween!

Timely advice on how to dress your girly son for Halloween…and not a moment too soon!

It’s Time for TMI Tuesdays!

1) What are three mistakes someone could make on the first date with you that would automatically make you turn down a second date with them?

You know, I think I’m pretty forgiving on first dates. I understand the jitters and nervousness, etc. But if someone was dishonest, rude, or I just knew that there was no way in hell I was ever gonna feel a “spark” I wouldn’t waste my time on a second date.

2) Pick an animal that best displays your personality.

a housecat. A long haired, snooty one. OK maybe that doesn’t suit my personality, but if I had to come back as an animal, that’s what I’d pick.
3) If your significant other stopped having sex with you, how long would you stay?

It depends on the reason. If there were some physical reason or something like that, I wouldn’t have an issue. But a dried up sex life is usually a symptom of bigger problems, in which case I would get to the bottom of it or get out.
4) Are you more passive or aggressive when the relationship becomes physical?

There’s something to be said for both. Depends on my mood I guess.
5) Have you ever been INSIDE a store that sold adult themed toys and videos?

Oh yes. Such stores are a hoot! In college, there was one that had a bargain bin of movies and we would get granny and midget porn for like two dollars and just laugh our asses off at it.

Bonus (as in optional): What percentage of women do you think are capable of handling being in a “friends with benefits” relationship? How about men?

I think just about every man in the world could handle friends with benefits. When it comes to sex, most of us think with the wrong head and there doesn’t have to be any sort of emotional connection necessarily. So I’m going to say 90 percent of men. Women, on the other hand, need more than just a physical attraction (unless, of course, copious amounts of liquor are involved) so I will say 10 percent of them could be OK with such an arrangement.

Monday Morning Mish Mash

1. I had the laziest weekend. Naps on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Now, I love a nap, but three days in a row is ridiculous even for me. I hope it is not a sign that I am coming down with something.

2. About the only thing I did worth mentioning was go to an apple farm with a friend of mine and her two year old. It was a great setup with a little petting zoo and lots of play structures for the kids. And of course, every sort of apple related food you can think of. Our first stop was for some hot apple cider, seeing as the farm was at least ten degrees cooler than town had been. Now let me point out something that you may not know. Bees LOVE apples. There were bees everywhere. But, according to a gentleman at the farm, they get a little drunk off of the fermenting fruit that falls to the ground. So these are the dopiest, laziest, “just hit the good shit” bees you have ever seen. They would land on  us and just rest, didn’t care to even try to get out of the way when we swatted them. All the same, it does freak a person out to have bees landing and crawling on them. And, not that I would know, mind you, but I can imagine that if a person is holding a cup of hot apple cider and flails about as bees land on him, spilling that cider all over himself, that it only makes him that much more attractive to the drunk bees. Again, I’m just guessing.

3. OK, I am somewhat relaxed when it comes to grammar and spelling on the internet. If I can understand what you meant, I’ll ignore a few typos. But I just have to share what someone wrote on the Facebook wall of an ENGLISH teacher I had in junior high. ENGLISH! “

“you was a really great teacher at small town junior high dont no if you remember me its been a long time have a great weekend”

 

I mean, there are more errors in that “sentence” than there are words. I can only imagine the sort of cringe it sent up the English teacher’s spine.

4. My car has the most annoying feature–tire pressure “warning”. Now, in a previous car, the little warning would tell you which tire was low. Not this one. It just lights up the little flat tire symbol–leaving the hapless owner to ruin their hands by checking every danged one. And of course, it’s so sensitive that dips in temperature make it go off. The past few weeks have had a lot of cooler mornings, so the little flat tire has been lit up constantly. I’ve checked the tires twice, and found none low. So I just ignore the thing now, which sort of defeats the purpose doesn’t it?

5. Ok, so I’m at the gym. Do my workout, take a shower, am getting redressed to go back to work. And realize I do not have any hair product in my bag. I have the sort of curly, dry hair that looks like a chia pet mated with a brillo pad if I don’t work it out with some product. But, as luck would have it, there in the little basket of toiletries was hairspray. Not my first choice by any means, but a few shots on wet hair would at least hold my bush down for the afternoon. So, I sprayed away. And as I set it back down, I saw the label. It was DEODORANT! Who even remembered they make aerosol deodorant??? My scalp was free to sweat the rest of the day without fearing embarassing odors.

Breakin’ Up Is Hard To Do

Alright, so the three of you who read me regularly know that something has been up lately. I’m not posting much, I’m not commenting much, I’m not reading everyone else’s blog much. Those of you who are friends with me on Facebook probably have chalked my behavior up to advanced Mafia Wars addiction, but unfortunately it’s even worse than that.

Honey and I have separated. Whether it is permanent or not remains to be seen, although if I were laying odds I’d say we seem to be heading for a permanent break up. There were, as you might imagine, a few “straws that broke the camel’s back” but at the end of the day, it has been no one’s fault, there is no bad guy, perhaps we have just grown apart and realized we want different things from life and from each other.

If I were a celebrity, I guess this is the part where I would have my publicist issue a statement assuring everyone that we remain committed to being close friends and respectfully ask that the media give us some privacy as we work through this difficult time. And it is difficult, as I imagine most of you reading know from experience. There are daily realizations that the potential ending of a relationship that has endured for almost seven years means the end of a lot of other things as well. But, I’m doing fine, we both are, and however it turns out I’m confident that it will be for the best.

Monday Morning Mish Mash

1. I made the drive up to West Virginia this weekend. Fall was definitely in the air…the leaves were already colorful (though I’d say they need two more weeks or so to be at their peak) and the air was nippy at night. It’s hard to say what my favorite season is but I love the change between winter and spring and the transition of summer to fall.

2. My crazy mama gave my my dose of nutzo while I was in town. On Friday, as I drove up there, I called to let her know I would be there that afternoon. She said to call when I got closer and perhaps we would do something together that night. I called, she said that “someone” had come to take her off to get her hair colored, and that she would call me the next day. I tell her that at some point on Saturday I have tentative plans for a friend’s birthday, so we should make plans. She says she’ll “call me later once she figures out her day.” Now, what plans for the day are made by a woman with no job and no social life outside of dating the scum of the Earth, I’ve no idea.

Saturday came, and while I am showering and getting dressed, she leaves a message saying that her phone isn’t working for incoming calls, and that she has a few errands to run, but will be in touch later that afternoon. I hang around, waiting, try her cell phone (no answer, of course), try the house on the chance that the line is working, and hear nothing. I also didn’t manage to get in touch with the friend who I thought I might have plans with, so I instead decided to go to another birthday party that afternoon. (Which, in and of itself merits it’s own entry…but I don’t have the strength right now). Suffice it to say that the birthday party was far enough off “the beaten path” that cell phone signals dared not travel there. As we were leaving this party, my phone rang, and it was Mom. I answered it, and the call was immediately dropped. I called back, heard about two words, and again, the call dropped. Third time was the charm, and I we were able to talk for a moment.

“I’ll be back in town in about an hour.” I told her, “Would you like to go have dinner or something?”

“I reckon I’ll just see you tomorrow.” she said.

“I was planning on leaving early tomorrow, do you have other plans tonight?”

“I’ve got a migraine and I’m going to bed.” she said. (She miraculously gets a migraine, the flu, or amoebic dysentary everytime there is a family function or someone visits from out of town.)

“Then I guess I’ll see you the next time I come in.”

“Well how early are you leaving tomorrow?”

“What difference does it make? You’ll just have some other fake illness tomorrow.” Click. Dial tone. Goodbye.

We said our goodbyes and made our way back to civilization, a 45 minute trip. Once we came out of the last “holler” my cell phone went off, indicating three new voice mail messages. I dialed the voicemail and am met by the surly voice of mom’s on-again-off-again boyfriend/ex husband number three who tells me it’s a “shame I don’t get off my ass and see my mother since she has been crying her eyes out.”

The next two messages are from  mom herself, who basically says between sobs that I don’t come see her and that I’m not proud of her, and that she can’t help it if she is sick.  I was furious but took a deep breath. I decided to go see my grandmother, and gave her a call. In the course of our conversation, she tells me that mom has told her that I wasn’t going to come see her. I set Grandma straight, and she told me she figured as much, and then tells me that mom has gone to her ex-in-laws to watch a movie or a race or something.

Funny, I thought she was going to bed at five! So by then I was furious, she’d lied to me, told grandma I was a bad son, and apparently deluded herself into thinking I had no desire to see her either. I called the inlaws house and let her have it.

“Well I guess we had a misunderstanding then.” she said. I was pretty sure I understood perfectly, but I let it go.

3. Remember the bumper I had painted a few weeks ago? Well guess what? On the way up the interstate a truck in front of me lost a tire and a big chunk of it slammed into my bumper. I haven’t had a chance to see if I can get the huge black mark off without another trip to the body shop, but knowing my luck….

TMI Time!

1. What is your underwear “style” of choce?

Underwear are the one thing I insist on having be brand name or designer. This is not because I’m a label whore, it’s because experience tells me of the need for proper and comfortable underthings. I prefer a brief/boxer brief/trunk. Boxers just let things flop around too much, I like something with some support. My favorites are 2Xist and Calvin Klein.

2. How old were you when you had your first sexual experience?

What counts as a sexual experience? Looking at a dirty magazine? A french kiss? Let’s pretend it means actual sex. And I was either seventeen or just about to turn seventeen.

3. What about a potential partner turns you on?

Physically, I probably notice legs and butt first. Eyes are important too, and teeth. But most importantly is how they carry themselves.

4. Have you ever played a game which may require you or others to disrobe?

Yes! One crazy night I played strip pool. Each ball sunk meant an article of clothing was removed from the opponent.

 5. Given or received finger scratch marks during sexual activity?

Not that I remember, and I think I would.

Bonus: How many times is the most you have ever had sex in a 24 hour period?

Jeesh, nothing is standing out in my mind. I’ll say three for some reason, but I think after the first time they either blend together or just aren’t as good, because I’m really drawing a blank here.

65 Questions

The blog well is dry folks. Actually, that’s not accurate. It’s overflowing to the point I can’t (or is it WON’T) catch it all. So in the meantime, a little meme of questions I stole from facebook. I won’t tag anyone to do it, but feel free to steal it!

65 Questions You’ve Probably Never Been Asked

1. Where did you meet your last boyfriend/girlfriend? 
California Dreaming  

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
brown

3. Do you believe in ghosts?
eh no I dont think so

4. Do you plan outfits? 
naa…unless its for a special occasion or vacation I just grab whats clean 

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
well rested

6. What’s the closest thing to you that’s red?
My Tide Pen, which I will surely need at some point today since Im wearing white.

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? 
It was a bizarre mix of plane crashes and nuclear holocaust. 

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
Nope

9. What are you craving right now?
The coffee Im pouring down my throat.

10. Did you have braces?
Oh yes. With nighttime headgear, lip bumpers, and rubber bands to match my outfits.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
coleslaw

12. Are you emotional? 
I can be. 

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
Not that I recall.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
lick it.

15. Do you like your hair?
yes

16. Do you like yourself?
most days

17. Is anyone jealous of you?
I pity them if they are

18.What are you listening to right now? 
Allison Krauss 

19. Are your parents strict?
No

20. Would you go sky diving?
I don’t think so. Not a fan of the free fall feeling.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
yum! Love it.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
I don’t think I have. How sad.

23. Are people mostly good or mostly bad?
mostly good.

24. What did you want to be when you grew up? 
an architect 

25. Whose was the last wedding you were in?
Gosh the last one I was in was a good friend’s about 12 years ago.

26. Will you attend your high school reunion? 
I didn’t make the 10 year, wouldn’t mind going to the next one though. 

27. Who were your closest friends in high school?

Pretty much the same people who are my closest friends now.

29. Did you like your Prom Date?
Yes, they were all nice girls.

30. Top 5 favorite concerts?
I’ve not even been to five. So Cher and Mary Chapin Carpenter

31. If you could only watch 5 movies for the rest of your life, what would they be? 
Steel Magnolias, Beetlejuice, Airplane, Big Business, and Pippi Longstocking 

32. Favorite television shows?
Desperate Housewives, Brother’s and Sisters, HGTV

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
who knows?

34. Are you too forgiving?
I can be.

35. What was the dumbest thing you ever did?
I’ve done a lot of dumb things. None stand out as the dumbest

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?
Winning the lottery! I hope.

37. Ever have cream puffs?
Surely I have.

38. Last time you cried?
Last weekend

39. What was the last question you asked?
Where are the lids?

40. Favorite time of the year?
I like the change of seasons…the first days of all of them.

41. Do you have any tattoos?
No

42. Are you sarcastic?
is a frog’s ass water tight?

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
No, I’ve never even heard of it.

44. Ever walked into a wall?
Not today. Oh, wait, actually, yes, today.

45. Favorite color?
Brown

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
Yes I have

48. What was the last CD you bought?
I’ve mostly been doing the itunes thing…

49. Do looks matter?
only initially

50. Are you a selfish person?
No I’m not.

51. Scream and yell or silent treatment?
All of the above.

52. Do you have any phobias?
roaches. I can not even stand the thought of one.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
I like to fall asleep with it on.

54. Can you handle the truth?
Yes, although some people don’t seem to think so.

55. Do you have good vision?
as long as my contacts are in it’s perfect!

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
Yes, I strongly dislike many people, and with good reason.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
every day.

58. The last person you held hands with?
My godson.

59. What are you wearing?
a white polo and khakis

60. What were you doing 15 years ago? 10 years ago? 5 years ago? yesterday?
15 years ago – in high school

10 years ago – in college

5 years ago – living by myself and working two jobs

yesterday – working

61. What makes you mad?
dishonesty.

62. Are you afraid of confrontation?
No, but I don’t like it

63. Do you have a job?
Yes

64. What was the most recent thing you bought? 
coffee

65. Do you like your life right now?
Can’t say I do.

A TMI Hodge Podge

Yes, I know it’s not Tuesday. But it’s been a few weeks and so I am pulling together a few of the latest questions from TMI Tuesday and having a go at it.

1. Have you ever had sex under the stars (i.e. in the alley behind Scores Gentleman’s Club, the roof of your South Beach condo)?

Yes, I have actually. A drunken, hot, and passionate  outdoor adventure. And let me just say that you should make sure there are no fire ants nearby before doing so. That’s all.

2. Have you ever shared sleeping accommodations with someone of the without anything steamy happening? (Opposite sex for breeders, same sex for homosexuals).

More often than not. What kinda question is this? Is the average person that horny that they can’t sleep with someone without SLEEPING with someone?

3. Have you used put anything edible on (or in) your partner’s body and then eaten it?

Not in, and I don’t even recall an “on” but surely there has been some chocolate syrup or whipped cream pulled out at some point. And ice can be fun. Yes it can.
4. Have you ever had an AIDS test due to reasonable suspicion or hyperactive imagination?

I’ve had the full workup done for STDs as part of health physicals, but never been too concerned that I might actually have one. (and never have I might add)

5.Have you ever fantasized about someone else other than your partner while you were engaged in sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?

Hmmm…no I don’t think so. The partner has usually been turn on enough.

There’s a She Wolf In The Closet

 So goes the new song by Shakira. (And if you haven’t seen the video, I have included it below because it is  hotter than a  hootchie’s cootchie–the girl  can move, dayum!)

Anyhoo, this isn’t going to be a missive on how we all have a she wolf in the closet (and who among us doesn’t have an inner freak that needs to be let loose sometimes??). It’s a vocabulary lesson, and you will feel so much smarter having learned this, I am certain of it.

As I do whenever a song catches my fancy (or, as those who ride often in the car with me will attest, when a song comes along that I will PLAY TO DEATH) I look up the lyrics. And I was surprised by a word in the lyrics to She Wolf.

“A domesticated girl that’s all you ask of me

Darling it’s no joke, this is LYCANTHROPY…”

What on Earth is lycanthropy and why is such a multi-syllabic word in a Shakira song? This is the question that raced through my mind, and is no doubt racing through yours as well.

Well…I always strive to give everyone their click worth, so I found out.

lycanthropy:

1. In folklore, the magical ability to assume the form and characteristics of a wolf.
2. A delusion that one has become or assumed the characteristics of a wolf or other animal.

Now there, don’t you feel smarter?