The Vinyl Village Quip of the Week

I haven’t featured a quip of the week in eons…but this one was too good to pass up.

“I cringed every time I stuck my fingers in those three holes, fearing something rank at the bottom of each. Plus, the holes were either too small, too large, too far apart, or too close together. And they felt greasy, surely providing a home to countless and untold multitudes of germs.”

What on Earth is he talking about? Well click on over to find out.

Well, Looky Here

Look what was waiting on my desk this morning. And that’s all I’m gonna say about that…

I Flashed “Fancy”–TMI Tuesdays

1. Have you ever mooned/flashed anyone? How long ago?

Yes! In high school, there was a country star performing in a nearby town one night. On the highway that evening, we spotted a giant tour bus that could only have held that star. (I want to say it was Reba McEntire, but the details are lost to time.) So I dropped trou and pressed my booty up against the window of the big ole Lexus we were riding around in and gave Reba a show.

2. Pick an animal that best displays your personality.

I think we did this one a few weeks ago, didn’t we? But since we are on the subject of animals, mom called the other day to report that she was a “tiger” for having a date with a man at least a decade her junior. Yeah, mom, I think the kitty you were searching for is a COUGAR. But whatever.

3. Do you mail out holiday cards, and if so, how do you pick the list?

I normally do, but won’t this year. Try to get all the family members, close friends, and those friends that I want to stay in touch with.

4. How often do you wear something sexy to get attention (lingerie, low cut dress, silk boxers, etc…)?

Never. But I take requests. (And silk boxers? Really? I had a pair of those once and they were awful. They slide, twist, and offer no support.)

5. Have you ever tasted breast milk SINCE you were an adult?

Gag. I’m not even convinced I did as a baby. According to my crazy mama, neither my sister nor myself were “titty babies”

Bonus: Do you like “talking” when you have sex?

Well, I mean, I don’t want a stock report. Or to hear about  Aunt Sadie’s hip replacement. But a little naughty banter or letting loose a few words you wouldn’t say in public can add a certain something to the right moment.

Double Bonus: If Santa is a guy, how is it that he never seems to get lost?

He used to. But he had GPS installed on Donder’s butt a few years ago, and it’s been fine since then.

Monday Morning Mish Mash

1. Think it would be rude to send the above clip to my realtor? Probably so, huh? I don’t think a soul has even been to look at it and I want that house gone yesterday.

2. Do you do holiday cards? I have for years, but I’m not doing them this year. I have absolutely no holiday spirit and judging by the number of cards I’ve gotten so far, no one else does either. And guess how many Christmas gifts I’ve bought so far? ONE.

3. I’m taking next week off. It’s the first time I’ve taken a whole week off and not gone to the beach in, well, maybe ever. Of course that means that eleventy million things must be done THIS week. And when I have a full plate, I just need to be left alone to get it done. Meaning if the Boss Man walks in to change his mind for the fourth time on how something should be done today, I might go postal. Not sure exactly what I’m doing with my week off. Will be heading to West Virginia at some point to spend Christmas with my friends and family there.

4. Still have some Christmas shopping to do? (Lawd knows I do!) Well look no further than Lohan House! That’s right kids, that pumpkin orange sometime-lesbian, all-the-time crack ho Lindsay Lohan, her pinched, tucked, and pulled mama Dinah, her allegedly teenaged sister Aliana, and her never-heard-of brother Mikey Junior are having a big ole internet yard sale where you can buy everything from their used gym shoes to their tacky throw pillows. No word on whether the items have been laundered, so you might have an extra bonus waiting in the pockets!

Dear Santa:

I’ve been a very good boy this year. And even when I’ve been bad, I’ve been good at it. I’m sure you have already chosen a few gifts from the Needful Things category here, but figured you might need a few more suggestions to finish your holiday shopping.

1. A twice a month cleaning lady. I realize that I’m sort of spread out among homes right now, but at some point in 2010 I hope to be in one place, and I do not want to spend my time in that one place scrubbing damned toilets. I’m not greedy, she doesn’t need to be there everyday or even every week. But just a couple times a month to do the big stuff. And if you could make her the sassy kind who dispenses advice and dry humor, I’ll leave you an extra cookie.

2. A little convertible. Nothing fancy…though if you’re feeling very generous I’d love a white BMW Z4. And I know it’s a $1300 option, but I want the white interior too.

3. And if a convertible won’t fit on the sleigh, I’ll settle for a panorama roof. Preferably attached to a Mercedes-Benz, but you can slap one on my Honda for all I care, I just want a glass roof.

4. A Teno diamond tension ring. I think they are pure art.

5.  A week’s worth of autobody work. Yes, yes, Santa, I did already have the bumper on the Honda repainted this year. But there’s a matter of a tire someone lost on the interstate. And I’m not selfish, I’ll share this gift with my dad, whose new car is sporting two smashed up doors and my little brother, whose Mustang bears the scars of a run in with a tunnel.

6. A Louis Vuitton carryall. Afterall, I’ve been wanting something with the little LV on it since way before you could buy a fake at every flea market and back alley in the world. And a little Louis duffle is perfect for overnight trips and weekend jaunts.

7. A massage. After the year I’ve had, I’m wound up tighter than a virgin at a prison rodeo. An hour or two of deep tissue massage would be just the thing I need to unwind.

8. A good dishwasher. A really good one. That will dissolve a whole turkey if needed. And will do it so quietly that a colicky baby could sleep right on top of it.

9. Some classic memorabilia. Like this gorgeous lamp from the Italian design house of Frajeeelay.

Seriously, though, would love an autographed script from any one of my favorite TV shows. (and speaking of which, you can stuff my stocking with Seasons Two and Three of Dexter!)

10. A winning lottery ticket. Doesn’t have to be to a huge jackpot. Just enough to allow me to retire comfortably.

It’s Tuesday Y’all!

1. Which is more important of the two in “chemisty,” physical attractiveness or emotional attractiveness?

Emotional, hands down. (Unless we are talking about a one night stand).

2. On a scale from 1-10, how kinky are you?

I used to think I was pretty adventurous. Then I got this little blog and discovered some of the search term items people come here by. Whoooo-wee! I’m gonna give myself a solid 5 on this one. Reminds me of a joke. “What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?” Erotic is using a feather, kinky is using the whole damn chicken. (Which reminds me of an old John Waters’ movie….)

3. Sitting on Santa’s lap… fun or creepy?

Um, creepy. Even kids dont like to sit on Santa’s lap…

4. Have you ever fallen asleep or passed out during sex?

I think I’ve sort of gotten tired and stopped, but never really passed out. Although I do have a friend (who I know stops in on this blog) who passed out one drunken night going down on a guy, penis still in the mouth. I can only hope that friend isn’t a tooth grinder. ha ha ha!

 5. Do you wear socks to bed? Is that okay or totally unsexy?

I don’t wear much of anything to bed because I get too hot. But I don’t see anything wrong with keepin’ the tootsies toasty if needed.

Bonus: What is your greatest strength? Weakness?

I think, for many people, it’s two sides of the same coin. I can be very confident, which translates into arrogance or snobbishness to some people. And I’m a pretty caring person which opens me up to being a doormat.

Monday Morning Mish Mash

1. I spent Saturday afternoon putting up the Christmas tree in the little house at the Vinyl Village. Those of you who have been around a while might recall that I go a little nuts with the Christmas tree lights. My 7.5 foot tree normally sports over 1000 white lights, delicately woven from trunk to tip. Well, this year, several strands of my lights decided to depart this Earth while waiting in the attic for the holiday season. And since I have about as much Christmas spirit as the love child of Scrooge and the Grinch, I made do with only 600 this year. That sound you hear is the power company’s stock dropping on this news.

2. My crazy mama had a date on Friday. She met the gentleman at one of the local gambling establishments. (“Don’t you dare tell your Granny!” she warned) I was to call at 9:30 in order to give mama an “out” if the date was a dud, but it slipped my mind. “That’s alright.” she said the next morning when I called to apologize for my forgetfulness. “You’da been interrupting something if you had called! He’s six foot two and hung like a bull! And Lord, he has stamina. I’m not as young as I used to be you know…I think I’m gonna go take me a nap.” That sound you hear is me gagging.

3. I’ve got a question about lawn maintenance. Is there a reason we must rake leaves? Is it bad for the lawn to just leave them there? Since I was a child, the only reason I can think of to rake leaves (other than removing them from walks and driveways, which makes sense) is to make a pile to jump in. Otherwise, why bother? The street I grew up on is canopied with large trees and I still love the “whoosh” of leaves in the fall as you drive down it–sending a cloud of fallen leaves into the air behind the car. I like the gentle rustle of leaves moving across the lawn in a breeze. Maybe I’m just lazy, but I say leave them.

4. I think we all get a song stuck in our head from time to time, but I’ve been getting them “stuck” a lot more the past month or so. I don’t know what’s up with that! Everything from the theme to “The Fall Guy” to the Black Eyed Peas…might be a sign of insanity.

Conversations with Mother

“I got pulled over by the police this morning.”

“Why?”

“That’s what I wanted to know. I knew I wasn’t speeding.”

“Well, what did they say?”

“Said they had reports that this car was swerving. I know who did it, too. Timmy Hunton (ex-boyfriend number 5,403)–that nosy bastard doesn’t have anything better to do.”

“How did he even know you were out driving?”

“I waved at him going out the road, thought I’d at least be friendly. I don’t normally go that way, cause his wife is one crazy bitch. But I was taking Cassie out to pay some bills and wasn’t thinking.”

“Well did you get a ticket?”

“No, didn’t even get a warning. But then he wanted to know if we was patients from the methadone clinic.”

“God help me…”

“Oh that’s Freddie beepin’ in. (ex-boyfriend number 5,672). Let me take that, he always did have such a calming influence to him.”

So…if the cop had reason to think that my mom and her friend were methadone patients, (That’s one of the few prescriptions I don’t believe either of them take.) why didn’t he at least give a warning? Or a field sobriety test? I probably don’t want to know.

TMI Tuesdays

Ok, trying to get back to our regularly scheduled programming here. I have to admit that the folks over at TMI Tuesdays can, at times, do the impossible–embarass me. Just as often, I have to head over to the Urban Dictionary to even know what they are talking about…so I just can’t participate every week. But this one seems safe enough.

1. What are your feelings about traditional bachelor/bachelorette parties?

Why not? I mean, one last hurrah as a single person? I’ve been to one or two and they aren’t much different than a usual night on the town.

2. Do you wear (or not wear) something special to bed/dress differently when you want to have sex?

Please. Men want to have sex every night. We just do. So unless I’m wearing a heating pad and Vicks Vapor Rub, I’m good to go. (and probably willing to give it a shot under those circumstances as well if you don’t mind the smell of mentholatum)

3. Do you ever fake orgasms?

Ya know, I was just talking about this with a friend the other week. I think it’s much tougher for a man to do it than a woman….but men can, particularly if we have a condom on. And, yes, I have.

4. Do you own any leather or rubber clothing?

I have a leather jacket that I’ve owned for years. It was like a $400 piece from J Crew, and a friend got it for pennies at a trunk sale, then realized that it looked just wonderful on me and gave it to me. (Actually I think he moved to a climate ill suited for such a heavy jacket and gave it to me, but I can flatter myself, can’t I?) But, I have a feeling that is not what this question was looking for. No, I do not own any leather bondage gear, no rubber underwear.

5. On a scale from 1-10, how willing are you to do something in bed you don’t want to just because you are asked?

Totally depends on the person. I mean there are some things I wouldn’t do under any circumstance with anybody. There are many things I wouldn’t do with a casual fling. But when it comes to someone you care about and have something with, it’s ok (and, some might argue, important) to entertain their inner freak sometimes.

Bonus: Can men and women be “just friends?”

Well yeah. There may be times that there is some tension or brief moments where one wants more but men and women are friends all the time with minimal drama.

Monday Morning Mish Mash

1. Had a wonderful Thanksgiving with the family this year. It dawned on me that it’s the first time in many years that we’ve all been together. My middle brother spent last Thanksgiving…um…attending a state function, I was absent from a few because I was at the outlaws house, and so I think this might have been the first time in four or five years we were all at the house together. I mentioned meeting my brother’s new girlfriend, and am somewhat disappointed to report that there’s nothing blog-worthy about her–she seems very nice, good looking (our Nana said she was “as pretty as a speckled submarine–whatever that means).

2. Lil brother, stepmom, and I braved the malls on Black Friday. I didn’t buy a single thing but I did help pick out a few of my Christmas gifts (am so looking forward to my new memory foam pillow!!). Best Buy was a ZOO! But, the TV I thought I got such a great deal on last year was half the price I paid for it. Kind of a sick feeling knowing I could have gotten two if I waited a year. LOL!

3. My uncle hosted our big family Thanksgiving this year. The lucky bastard didn’t even have his house on the market and a neighbor’s friend made an offer on it. Why can’t I have that kinda luck?? No one  has even looked at my house.

4. I saw my crazy mama, literally, for five minutes over Thanksgiving. The usual reasons for my short visit apply, but she called five hours late–literally as I was on my way to the interstate to come home. And was less concerned with seeing me and more concerned that I might bring her a pack of cigarettes and a dozen eggs (which took THREE stops to find). She claimed she was baking a cake. She gives me her usual speech about “the house is a mess, but come on anyway.” And when she says a mess, she means it! I snuck and took the picture above while she was refilling her Pepsi. That giant pile of clothes is her sofa! and that mess of stuff in front is hiding a coffee table. I’ve long said it looks like one of those Oprah shows on hoarding–you be the judge!