Doris Funkybunk, one of mama’s bosom buddies from the trailer court where she and Kenny lived during their 14 attempts at bliss, called me this afternoon because she was worried. She thinks the family ought to have Mama committed and some electroshock therapy done to “reset her brain”. (Her words…do they even still do shock therapy?)
According to her, and I have to confess that I was only half paying attention, Mama has been behaving in an unladylike fashion. It was Doris who introduced Mama to the gentleman selling a trailer for $5,000. And according to Doris, within five minutes of meeting him, Mama offered him a blowjob while getting a tour of the property. A day or two later, after that tragic collision with the mailbox, this gentleman (I didn’t get his name, so let’s just call him Bobby Ray, because it’s probably something like that.) took Deloris to the hospital to visit Mama while she was having her sprained prostate, whipped lash, and multiple contusions seen about. Apparently, Bobby Ray was standing next to Mama’s hospital bed, and she grabbed his hand, put it in her crotch, and told him she had a few Cialis in her purse that he was welcome to use if he wanted to see “how she could rock his world.”
I had just eaten lunch, so I tuned out even more. But the crux of it is that Mama has shown up at Bobby Ray’s unannounced, left many unseemly messages on his phone offering up her feminine wiles, and basically made a complete ass of herself with Bobby Ray and several other residents of the trailer park. (Including some kind of kerfuffle between Mama and someone who gave one of my cousins a tattoo.) If you’re wondering what the hell I’m talking about, so am I.
I told Doris I appreciated the call, but that Mama had been in and out of hospitals, and that several local therapists had installed revolving doors for her, but she was dishonest with the people charged with helping her, so it was very difficult to make any progress. I relayed the story from a year or so back that one of mama’s therapists had called me wanting more details about “my sister’s murder” (Mama had told this doc that sis was murdered by her fiance, and that the stress of the trial was getting to her.) Doris was shocked, because apparently Mama has stuck to this story over the years, and it’s how Doris thought she’d passed too. She’s gone as far as telling Doris that the incarcerated fiance had harassed her over the years through smuggled cell phones and letters sent from the pen.
I’m not sure shock therapy would do anything, but perhaps a full lobotomy?