Search Term Saturdays

11 07 2009

I shouldn’t be surprised by anything anymore, but I still get some search terms that make my jaw drop. Following are two searchers with some odd ideas about what to do with “man parts.”

“i stuck my cock into the open toe pump”

Why? A four-inch heel might make you appear four inches taller, but it will not have the same effect on your johnson. And why did you enter this into a search engine? Were you trying to find others with a penchant for phallic footwear? Trust me, if it will fit, someone else has stuck it there. I suspect a good athletic shoe or flip flop might be more comfortable. But if you want to stick your weiner in weird things, I have just the thing for you. The $200 “RealTouch“–a new sex toy that I just heard about. You plug it into the wall and your computer, then plug yourself into it. Then you watch porn, and it syncs itself to what is happening on the screen–using different belts and machinery to simulate on you what you are watching. Very fancy! Of course, the idea of putting my wang into something attached to electricity and a bunch of moving parts is enough to make it crawl up inside me, but it sounds like it might feel better than a damned shoe. Come back and let us know if you try it.

“strange things put in the penis”

Can I just suggest that putting ANYTHING into your penis is strange? It’s a very small hole meant for discharging liquid, not taking in solids. You’ll end up at the urologists office with an embarassed look on your face, and they will not believe you just fell onto that uncooked string of linguine or whatever it is you  try shoving up there.

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Search Term Saturdays

18 04 2009

willy_mints

I can only imagine the angst this guy was feeling as he arrived at the Vinyl Village searching for information on “small tic tac growth under head of penis”.  Listen, pumpkin, it’s not there to keep her (or his) breath fresh–so call up your doctor and get it taken care of. It’s probably nothing, and your doctor has likely seen it all before–no need for embarassment.





Monday Morning Mish Mash

30 03 2009

OW001861

1. It was a wedding weekend that took us to a small town in Tennessee to see two friends tie the knot. It was a great ceremony, followed by a blast of a reception. We got to town early, taking a leisurely drive through the mountains, and decided to get a bottle of wine to enjoy pre-wedding. (Nothing like gettin’ buzzed to go to church!). I’m going to assume that Tennessee has some law about selling wine and liquor in grocery stores…because the one we stopped at had the longest beer aisle I’ve ever seen but nary a bottle of wine in sight. I asked a manager who was walking through if they had any vino. “Not much.” he said, “But let me show you what we do have.”  I’m not too picky about wine, so figured as long as they had a Pinot Noir I was gonna be good to go. But I’m sure I was totally unable to keep my jaw off the floor when the manager flicked from the fridge case a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill, and laid it on his forearm like he was presenting a bottle of something rare and wonderful. Luckily, there was a wine shop around the corner.

2. And the wine flowed freely the rest of the day. We polished off a bottle in the room…and I lost count at glass 8 at the reception. Needless to say, I was a wee bit intoxicated. And let me just offer a tidbit of advice. When staying in a hotel, particularly if you are going to be drinking, familiarize yourself with the layout of the hotel. You never know when you might need to find the nearest exit. But more importantly, you want to know the path to the bathroom lest you walk your naked ass out into the hallway in the middle of the night. (yes, I did)

3. Since everyone (if my search engine stats are an indication) enjoys a good fart story, check this one out: 8th grader suspended for farting on the bus. The driver complained: “Jonathan passes gas on the bus to make the other children laugh and it is so stink [sic] that you can’t breathe after he does it.” Wow, farting on command..impressive!  Rather than suspend the poor pooting passenger, maybe they should have just insisted he take some Beeno.

4. And in other news that will make the search engines quiver with joy: a British teenager painted a giant penis on the roof of his parent’s country estate. He apparently did it as a practical joke for Google Earth…but it was on the roof of the house for over a year before his parents even learned about it. Pretty damned funny if you ask me…imagine finding out that you’ve been sleeping under a giant penis for a year. (a dream come true for some?) His parents don’t seem in much of a rush to remove it…they say they’ll make him scrub it off when he gets home from his travels.

giantpenis

5. So it looks like Madonna is trying to add another Malawian baby to her collection. I’ve got a mixed bag of feelings regarding these globe-trotting baby collection celebrities. I applaud their desire to help these kids…but aren’t there kids right here that need it just as much? There was some blather on the news this morning that basically raised the question of whether Madonna should get to adopt because now she is single. There are probably 100 reasons why this particular woman might not be an ideal candidate–but because she is single?? Come on! I found it completely insulting to all the single parents out there to suggest this kid would be better off sleeping on a floor mat in Malawi versus being adopted into a *gasp* single parent home. Maybe that’s why they go abroad…everyone I know who has tried adopting in the US goes through the most ridiculous crap to get approved.





The 2009 Tax Code

23 02 2009
 
2009 Tax Code

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts! HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2009, the penis will now be taxed according to size:

The brackets are as follows: 

10 – 12″
Luxury Tax
$ 300.00
8 – 10″
Pole Tax
$ 250.00
5 – 8″
Privilege Tax
$ 150.00
3 – 5″
Nuisance Tax
$ 30.00
Males exceeding 12″ must file capital gains.
 

Anyone under  3″ is eligible for a tax refund.

** PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION **





Monday Morning Mish Mash

29 12 2008

nintendo_wii

1. The generation gap at work: a friend of mine got her young son a new video game system for Christmas. As he excitedly ran around the house shouting “Look at my Wii! Look at  my Wii!” he grandfather said “What’s wrong honey, did you hurt your penis?” In fairness to the grandpa, the kiddo calls his penis his “wee”.

2. I got a Wii for Christmas too. At the very least, I hope I can improve my video game skills to the point that my friend’s children can’t continue to massacre me at every game I play with them. I was never into video games as a kid, but this thing is pretty fun, and most of the games require you to be physical…I broke a sweat boxing!

3. I was reminded how old I’m getting. One of my cousins and his wife announced that they are expecting their first child. I can remember when he was so little that I had to be his hide and seek buddy because I was one of the “older kids”. And my younger brother drove my car this weekend–it was the first time I’d been home since he got his learner’s permit, so I let him drive a few miles from a convenience store to our house. Which is a very big deal, because my cars are like my babies.

4. Remember the flat tire I had a week or so ago? Well, I remembered I have road hazard insurance that will pay  up to $150 bucks a tire. Of course, they expected that I know what street I picked the nail up on, the tire dealer to call for authorization, and all sorts of other nonsense that I expect means that they pay out ZILCH on any of their road hazard policies.

5. This is the week I’ve got to order a new computer to replace the dead one. I’m looking at some HPs and Dells. Anyone have a recommendation?





Monday Morning Mish Mash

1 09 2008

1. Let’s start the day with a laugh, shall we?

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer,they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

2. Let’s all do a good deed today. This is one of those “click to give” sites–this one provides 0.6 bowls of food per click to animals awaiting rescue. Click here to help!

3. I’ll be giving you an update on my family reunion soon…but for now, let me just say that I know a few relatives skipped out on the festivities to go to NYC and eat dinner with drag queens.

4. The cemetary where my sister, grandfather, great grand parents, and who knows how many other relatives, are buried was the victim of thieves recently. It’s one of those “memorial gardens” with the flattish headstones that have a bronze vase that screws into the ground. Like this:

Any-ole-how, the thieves made off with a bunch of these vases. My question–what were they gonna do with them? Any scrap yard would realize where they were from. Second question–do these crack heads not even have respect for the dead?

5. This morning’s insprirational poster has a point, I promise. Fro-hats aside…we fellas don’t have many options as to what to do with our hair. At least not compared to women. Despite having my hair cut by different people and in what I thought were different styles over the past 15 years, it pretty much looks the same in any picture. Maybe I’ll grow a fro hat.





Monday Morning Mish-Mash

14 07 2008

There! If “free online porn” doesn’t bring in the clicks, nothing will!

Just a few random comments this morning.

1. They have been playing the death out of a song called “Our Song” by Taylor Swift. There is a line in there that drives me absolutely bat shit crazy:

“when we’re on the phone and ya talk real SLOW, cause it’s late and your mama don’t know” What in hell does that mean? How is talking SLOW gonna fool mama? Will she think to herself…”heh? what’s that? is that boy on the phone past his bedtime again? aww, no. It’s someone talkin SLOW–it must be his retarded brother?”

I mean, LOW would have fit into the song just as well and made some damn sense, am I wrong?

2. My house was the setting for a baby shower turned Badminton tournament last night. Fun was had by all…and it is by the grace of a power higher than any of us that no one was shot–as many times throughout the night, someone had to vault over the fence into the elderly neighbor lady’s yard to retrieve an errant shuttlecock.

3. Four nuns die in a crash and arrive at the Pearly Gates together. St Peter says “Sisters…I know the vows you’ve taken and the lives you have led, but  I have to ask each of you one question before I allow you in.”

The first sister steps forward.

“Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” St Peter asks.

Ashamed, she hangs her head, and confesses that, as a girl, she had in fact touched a penis with her finger.

“That is not much of a transgression for a whole lifetime on Earth” Peter says, “Dip that finger in this Holy Water and go on in.” She does as he asks, and walks into Heaven as the second sister steps up.

“Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” St. Peter asks her. Also ashamed, the nun hangs her head and admits that she had once touched a penis with her hand. St. Peter thinks a moment, decides it wasn’t such a bad sin to have committed, and tells the nun to dip her hand in the Holy Water and go on in.

The third nun steps up, and St. Peter asks her the same question. She turns a bright red and opens her mouth to answer.

Just then, the fourth nun interrupts.

“Now wait a damned minute. If you think I’m gonna gargle in that water after she’s had her ass in it, you’ve got another thing coming!”

4. I have been using some face “Stuff” from one of those “bored housewife pyramid scheme” companies. Its great. I pay $25 a tube…but half goes to the salesgirl, some other percentage goes to whoever got her started, and down the line. I figured it out–it actually costs them about 18 cents to make the shit…the rest of my $25 just gets split among the housewives. Anyhoo…in a truly stupid moment I forgot to wash my face with the aforementioned pyramid scheme face wash and instead just used the regular stuff. Now I look like Amy Winehouse…if this shit doesn’t clear up, Im betting the police will come busting through my front door looking for the meth lab.

5. Last week was the busiest EVER here at the Vinyl Village…thanks to all of you who stop by.

6. One more. I found out my dad ran a 50K trail run this weekend. Thats over 30 miles for those who are metric-challenged. I mean, I get tired if I DRIVE that far, there is no way in hell I could run it.