Mama’s Ready For Trouble!

4 08 2011

My phone lit up on my way home from work today, and Mama was on the other end.

I’m heading to this birthday party.” she said in the sort of tone that implied she would rather have her nipples clipped off with a pair of dull tin snips.

“Who has a party on a Thursday?” I asked before realizing that since most of mom’s acquaintances don’t hold jobs, their social lives have more flexibility than those of us who have to earn a living.

“Kenny’s grandson.”

“I thought you and Kenny broke up.”

“We did. I’m done with him!” This is undoubtedly an untruth. Mama is never done with any man she has dated. She may move on to another, but she always keeps the old ones around. Sort of like old shoes. You might not wear them out everyday but you keep ’em in the closet as a spare.

“And if his daughter says one God damned word about how I’m dressed…”

What does she usually say about how you dress?”

“She’s little Miss Proper and Christian who dudnt think a pair of shorts  is appropriate unless it covers yer knees.” I tend to agree with Miss Proper and Christian on this one. Having seen Mama’s middle aged ass poured into a pair of Daisy Dukes , her muffin top having popped the top button 20 pounds ago, I can assure you that appropriate is the last adjective anyone would use to describe such an outfit.

It ain’t as if she didn’t get knocked up when she was 13! She wutent worried about coverin’ her knees, or keepin’ ’em together then was she. And if she says one word that’s exactly what I’m gonna say to her.”

“Why are you even going? You broke up with his grandfather and his mother can’t stand you.”

“Well I wanna be there for the little boy. He ain’t done nothin.”

He’s 12. And I’m pretty sure, no offense, that a 12 year old could give a shit if you came or not.”

“I guess I just need outta the house!”

“Well go somewhere else then. This party sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I can tell already there will be drama.”

“If they wanna bring it, let ’em! I’m ready! They don’t know who they’re dealin’ with!”

God. Don’t ruin this kids birthday. I gotta go.”




3 responses

12 08 2011

Where the hell did you get that picture of me????? I’ve got to learn more about those privacy settings on Facebook!

13 08 2011
The Vinyl Villager

YAY!!! Well I figured the only way to bring you out of the woodwork was to embarass ya. 😉

13 10 2011

Yep…that’s your Mama!

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