What’s Santa Bringin’ Mama?

13 12 2010

I was talking to mom over the weekend and remarked that I was finished with my Christmas shopping.

“What’d ya get me?”

Let me interject here that what I got her was a nice, big, red purse, because she has indicated she wants one many times over the year, and an assortment of her favorite fragrances from Bath and Body Works. It’s a good quality, name brand bag, but not TOO good quality. (I bought her a Louis Vuitton bag one year and she thought it looked “old ladyish” and gave it to Goodwill.)

“It’s a surprise!”

“Hmmm…well I don’t think I gave ya any ideas, I’m stumped!”

Yeah, right, like she doesn’t ask for two different things and a stipend everytime I talk to her?

“Is it something for my bed?”

“No. I didn’t know you needed bedding.”

“I’d like a new bed in a bag.”

“Well that’s not it.”

“Well tell your Darling that’s what I want.”

“We aren’t buying you separate gifts.”

“Well I’m the mother-in-law.”

“Have you and any of your countless men purchased separate gifts for your in-laws?”

“Oh, well, I don’t reckon.”

The conversation moved to another topic.

“Is it something I can wear?”

“I’m not going to tell you.”

“Is it a pair of khakis? I need a new pair.”

“Yeah, that’s it.” I just wanted off this guessing game.

“Oh good! I think khakis would look good with a red sweater. But I need a bigger size than I used to.” (Clearly, pants alone would NEVER do as a gift unless I also purchased everything to go with the ensemble in her head.)

“It’s not khakis. I was just trying to get you to shut up.”

“Well I cain’t think of what it could be…”

You’ll find out at Christmas.”

The conversation changed course and we said our goodbyes. A few hours later, she was calling back.

“I know what it is!”

“What is it then?”

“A cruise! Y’all are takin’ me on a cruise with ya.”

“You’re going to be very disappointed then. Do you know how much a cruise is?”


“Well it would be well over $1,000 by the time we flew you to get on the boat.”

“Hell, I’ll hitchhike to the boat!”

“It’s not a cruise.”

“A week at the beach?”

“Did someone leave you with the mistaken impression I’d won the lottery?”

“Well, I just can’t think of what it could be.”

“Set your sites lower.”

“A mother’s ring?”


“I want one of those. Me and your sister’s stones set on either side of yours.”

“Well, unless our stones are glass and gravel, it won’t be that either.”

“No, emerald and sapphire.”

“Then, no.”

“At least none of us is a diamond.”

“Still no.”

“Well all I could figure was you’d takin’ me on a cruise or you’d got me a mother’s ring…”

“Nope, sorry.”

“Well, is it…oh someone’s on my other line…let me call ya back honey.”

Thank God for that someone else…




6 responses

13 12 2010

You know baby…people DO fall off of cruise ships and get lost at sea forever….I’m just sayin.

13 12 2010
The Vinyl Villager

are you suggesting a balcony room for her?

13 12 2010

I’d be more worried about what she’s buying you! Let’s place some bets. I’ll bet it’s something in the Mother/Son Matching Wear Line of K-Mart. Perhaps, this year, she’ll pony up enough dough for Darling to have one, too! I’ll be sure to bring my camera and capture the moment for ya! bwahahahaha

13 12 2010
The Vinyl Villager

I really wish, and have told her, not to buy me anything. Not only does she not buy things that I would normally wear, she buys them three sizes too big. It’s always something plaid or vaguely “Western” I put it on and feel like Chastity Bono.

13 12 2010

You should know that Chastity is now going by Chaz, she had the surgery you know. 😉
And seriously a woman who doesn’t appreciate Louis Vuittion doesn’t deserve a present!

14 12 2010
The Vinyl Villager

Heather, did she? I knew it was coming, but I didn’t realize she (or, I guess, he) had it already.
And I am quite in agreement on the LV. She probably traded it for a set of retread tires and a muscle relaxer.

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