Mama Had An Eventful Week

30 11 2010

I had a long, rather fragmented conversation with my crazy mama this morning. From what I can gleen, she has spent the last week with “Kenny” a resident of the Doy Mobile Home Park (a respectable and exclusive neighborhood, I’m sure).

“At least this one’s gotta job. Been at it 25 years.”

That’s certainly an improvement.”

He’s a real gentleman. Couldn’t ask for more. He drinks though, heavy on the weekends. But he invited me over and next thing I knew we’s coming out here to get me some clothes and I stayed a whole damn week. I think he fell in love.”

“We went over to a friend a his’s house to fix a hot water tank and I pissed his friend off cause I knew more ’bout plumbing than he did. He said something about “that woman” and I said “Listen here, I gotta name buddy, and if you call me ‘that woman’ again I’ll knock all six feet three inches of you on your ass!” I ain’t gonna be disrespected.”

“Anyway I cooked and cleaned and played Susie Homemaker for the week. We didn’t have no threesome though. Hell, we didn’t even have a twosome.”

“Say what?”

“No, he was a real gentleman.”

Suddenly, the phone call I got a few days ago made sense. See, several years ago Mama called complaining about her luck with men. I jokingly suggested maybe she should just try a woman. So mom called the other night and said, “Was you serious when you said I ought to try a woman?”

Whatever makes you happy.”

“I figger a woman knows what a woman wants.”

“Probably so.”

“I cain’t say it’s been a fantasy of mine or nothing, but I am curious.”

“Is there something you’re trying to tell me?”

“No, not yet.”

I can only piece together that she and Kenny were toying with the idea of inviting another Klassy Lassy over to the Doy Park for an evening of enchantment. But I digress…

I got me a new cell phone. Its a Kee-uh-sarah. You gotta pen, I’ll give ya my new number. If you know of any silver haired single men lookin’ fer a good woman, you can give it to ’em. Hell, give it to your boss if he ain’t happy. How old is he?”

“About your age. But, aside from his being married, I don’t see that being a match.”

“Well, he’s probably going through a midlife crisis if he’s my age. I don’t want nunna that.”

“Um yeah.”

“I don’t pay a thing for this plan. It’s through Virgin Mobile. I get 250 free minutes a month and they roll over if I don’t use ’em.”

“What do you mean you don’t pay anything?”

“I get it for free cause I’m poor.”


“It’s a new program. You oughtta spread the word.”

“I will not. That’s ridiculous.”  (and it is, I’m all for helping the less fortunate. I don’t begrudge them a mobile phone for emergencies, but a free phone and 250 free minutes a month for NOTHING? Come on now.)


“It just is.”

What you want for Christmas?”

“I can’t think of a thing.”

“You ever wear that purple shirt?”

“What purple shirt?”

That one I give you.”

“Oh, yes.” I lied. Last Christmas, she gave me a purple microfiber shirt with black buttons. It smelled like hot asphalt even after two washes. I donated it to the Goodwill.

“I want us to have our picture made. That’s what I want for Christmas. We can wear matching purple outfits in memory of your sister.”

Well, I’ll see what I can do when I’m home for Christmas.”

“I gotta get this place cleaned up. But I need some help.”

“I’ll help you, but I’ll do it my way.”

“I don’t want you throwing away all my fleece pajamas.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it. But there’s plenty of stuff I WILL throw away. You don’t need 40 bottles of shampoo.”

“I finally got a towel bar up in that bathroom. A guy put it up for me. But the shower still ain’t fixed right, they’s a panel needs put up.”

“What does that involve?”

“Two screws.”

“Well why haven’t you done it then?” (This semi-repaired shower has been a topic of conversation for months.)

“I’m tard.”

“Well, what’s your excuse for the months it’s been that way? If you could muster the energy to cook and clean for Kenny all week, you can put in two screws and have a shower that’s fixed.”

“Maybe I’ll feel like it after I take me a nap. I ain’t got a bit of energy.”

“Then go take a nap. But when you get up, fix your damn shower.”

“All right baby, mama loves ya.”




13 responses

30 11 2010
The Incredible Woody

I find it a bit unsettling that I speak Mama ie ‘friend of his’s’. 🙂

30 11 2010
The Vinyl Villager

I’m fluent myself, but only speak it around natives. LOL

30 11 2010
The Incredible Woody

And the whole cell phone for poor people really pisses me off!!

30 11 2010
The Vinyl Villager

yeah Im not sure I get that. But at least, for now, she isn’t trying to add herself to my cell phone account.

30 11 2010

I agree with the cell phone for “poor people”. I can see handing out cell phone that only dial 911 but not just to chat on! Personally, there are too many times that I’d rather not have a phone at all!

It does sound like you are going to have some interesting stories in the near future……..

30 11 2010
The Vinyl Villager

In theory I don’t mind the idea…but for someone like my crazy mama, there is absolutely no incentive whatsoever for her to work. She’d have to get a job with a salary she isn’t qualified for to make up for all the “benefits” she has sitting on her ass (or cleaning Kennys trailer)

30 11 2010

So, that ‘splains why she didn’t go with us for Thanksgiving dinner. She asked if she could and we said that would be fun (YM at Tamarack spells F-U-N). I even called that morning to tell her that I’d pay for her dinner (which I’m pretty sure that she was taking for granted anyway. But, I knew I’d feel better if I thought it was MY idea). Couldn’t reach her. She must have been at Kenny’s Deluxe Doublewide…the redneck version of MTV’s cribs. I was beginning to worry since I had not heard a single word from her in a while and couldn’t reach her on her phone. Now, I see that she’s just off on another romantic adventure…hahaha. ROMANTIC ADVENTURE…that’s crackin’ me up. Guess I’m going to have to hide all my Klassy Lassie friends as well as the one’s that I’m already trying to hide on FB from Rico Sauve’. Maybe, we really should hook those two up….could be a match made in Hea…well…somewhere, but definitely not Heaven.
And I totally agree with you about the phones and the poor people. I agree that they should have them for 911 emergencies but I’m pissed that my taxes are paying for them to call their “good buddies”, ho’ trains, or get hookedups for drugs, sex, or cock fights! Sheesh…what are we going to have to pay for next?

30 11 2010
The Vinyl Villager

Im not even sure how a person without TV or internet learns about all of these programs she finds. There must be some underground newsletter that gets delivered. Im gonna see if I cant get on the mailing list. I sure would like to have my cell service paid for. Maybe then I could upgrade to a smart phone!

30 11 2010

UPDATE on YM….she was just on the phone trying to convince me that if I gave her a monthly stipen, I could claim her on my income taxes. Can we say all together now…”She’s craaaaaaaazy!”

30 11 2010
The Vinyl Villager

ROFLMAO! She has tried that on me too! “Ya know if you’z to send me say $200 a month you could claim me as a dependant and write it off your taxes.” I think she truly believes that if I sent her 200 a month it would reduce the amount of taxes I owe by that same amount, thus making it free money to her.

Of course, since she has never had to file a tax return in her life, I can see why she is confused.

30 11 2010

I told her that I ain’t going to prison for tax fraud…not even for her. I tried to explain it all to her but I still think that she didn’t get it.

1 12 2010
The Vinyl Villager

bless her, she doesn’t.

1 12 2010

Heck if that worked I’d get social security numbers for the cats and dogs, at least I really do support them!!

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