There Are Some Things You Just DON”T Need to Hear

5 11 2010

I think I need to go wash my ears out with soap after the conversation I just had with my crazy mama.

The doctor said I had too much protein in my urine. You think that’s cause I had sex?”

“Why would that be the cause?”

“Well, semen is just protein.”

“I think they would know the difference between protein enzymes and semen. Wait, didn’t he wear a condom?”

“I’d had moonshine! I regret it. That’s all you need, ain’t it? Your mommy knocked up.”

“You’re a little old for that. Hasn’t that ship already sailed?”

“No, I’m still producing eggs.”

“Well, I imagine they’re scrambled, so I wouldn’t worry too much.”

“I fucked his brains out. Course, he didn’t have much to start with.”

“I’m sure…”

“He thinks I’m a virgin.”

“Then I think he’s a might confused about the birds and the bees…he does realize you’ve had two children?”

“Yeah, but I don’t have sex very often. It’s tight! Plus, I had a good doctor with both of you, they put extra stitches in.”

“Jesus.”

“Oh, somebody’s at the door. Mommy loves ya.”

 

 

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10 responses

5 11 2010
Sandi

I just KNOW that you make some of this stuff up….conversation with your mother, right????? Please tell me that I’m right!

5 11 2010
The Vinyl Villager

Oh God, I WISH I were making it up. Actually, I dont. If I could make this stuff up, it would indicate a serious mental defect.

5 11 2010
Sandi

I just can’t imagine talking to my 2 daughters like that! ROFL. They would both drop dead of a heart attack if I ever came out with something like that!

6 11 2010
The Vinyl Villager

Well do them a favor and DON’T ever have that sort of discussion with them.

5 11 2010
Jason

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

6 11 2010
The Vinyl Villager

my thoughts exactly…

8 11 2010
crochetycrochetlady

Are you sure we are not related? My son hates it when I talk to him about sex, too!

8 11 2010
The Vinyl Villager

oh, I bet! You’ve gotta stop that! LOL

10 11 2010
Grumpy

I am seriously traumatised. How you feeling? 😉

10 11 2010
The Vinyl Villager

To paraphrase Sue Sylvester, I think I’ll have to go to a wound care unit and look at some wounds to get the mental image out of my head.

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