I had a wonderful Christmas–a week off from work and got to spend time with almost all of my favorite people. Lots of food (my skinny jeans are fitting a little snugger now), lots of laughs, and lots of time in the car driving back and forth between Christmas celebrations.
Apparently one of my cousins is known to send cell phone pictures of interesting bowel movements to her husband. Now, while nothing some of my cousins do would surprise me (a few of them are real winners, let me tell you) this cousin is not someone you’d expect to be snapping pictures of her poo poo.
My crazy mama has provided plenty of blog food this week, as you might expect. On Christmas Eve, she apparently drank quite a bit of wine and champagne at my cousin’s party. Since my grandmother is very much against alcohol, mom told her it was Kool Aid. Toward the end of the night, Grandma suggested that Mom might want to switch to water “Because you know that red food coloring makes you hyper.” Instead, Mom switched to taking shots, straight from the bottle, of my cousin’s vanilla infused cooking vodka. And if that wasn’t classy enough, she shared that she has taken to enjoying a glass or two of wine each day. “I get this stuff that was voted Best Wine in a Box with a Built In Spout” I chuckled and stated that I’d never tried wine from a box before.
“Well I broke my corkscrew trying to get a bottle of champage open.”
“You don’t use a corkscew on champagne.”
“Oh, well anyway, that wine I get is reallll good. Its fifteen dollars for five liters.”
“Fifteen dollars for FIVE liters?” I asked, somewhat incredulously. Now, I’m no wine snob. I have enjoyed quite a few five dollar bottles of wine, but anything available at that price has to be swill.
“Yeah, but you know what, I’m worth it!” she said, quite proud of herself.
“You sure are.”
Now, my dad and that side of the family very rarely provide blog fodder. On Christmas Eve, though, they provided a doozy. There is a running joke that my stepmother’s mom, Nana, thinks my dad is perfect. This came up Christmas Eve, and my stepmother’s brother joked, “Well, it took you three trips down the aisle, but you eventually got it right.”
Across the room, my little brother’s face lost all expression. “You were married TWICE before dad?”
Ooops. Later in the evening, as stepmom explained that one of her previous marriages hardly counted since it lasted only a few months, little brother said “I haven’t been so shocked since I found out Nana was married before Pop.” And MY face lost all expression because it was certainly news to me that our Nana (who, it should be noted, is a 700 Club watching, Fox News fan, who think thats Barack Obama is, at best, ruining us, and at worst, the anti-Christ.) had been married for a number of years to someone NOT our grandfather.
Christmas morning, as Dad made breakfast and my brothers were still waking up, stepmama put a SIXTH stocking on the mantel.
“Who is that for??” I asked.
“Your brother’s girlfriend.”
“Well thank God, after last night, I was afraid we had an illegitimate sibling coming this morning.”