Monday Morning Mish Mash

24 08 2009

RolandMery

1. I’ve been absent from the blogosphere for a few weeks. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball…and I’ve been thrown one hell of one, and I’m still swinging at it.

2. Last weekend, we got a shock when the outlaws called to tell us that Honey’s grandmother had passed away. Her health has been poor for the past  year or so, but her death was sudden and somewhat unexpected. So we flew off to Chicago for her services. They do funerals differently than I’m used to. I’m used to, at most, a two hour wake followed the next day by a short service at the funeral home and a drive to the cemetary. Just as common, a one-stop-shop where the wake precedes the burial and everyone is home in time for Oprah. But, Grandma was sent off with a SEVEN HOUR wake, a funeral home service, a full mass, and then graveside rites followed by a catered luncheon at a banquet hall. This, apparently, is reduced from the THREE DAY wake her husband had twenty years ago. Very different than I’ve experienced before, but a wonderful tribute to an incredible lady. I had the privilege of being the last man to ever dance with her. A few years ago when Honey’s sister got married, I’d had six too many gin and tonics and swept Grandma out onto the floor to shake her groove thing to Tupac’s “California Love.” She was a dear woman and will be missed very much.

3. Did you know “it is not against the law to have an erection in a public park or to have a sexual conversation with anybody who is an adult.” Thus sayeth the defense attorney for a former school superintendent who was found not guilty of soliciting an undercover cop for a parkside rendezvous.

4. And in other strange penis news…some old guy removed his own after being told there was a two year wait for a sex change. Now, I’m certainly no expert, but don’t they normally need the parts they remove to create the new parts? I should think old Roland Mery is quite disappointed with himself now, but apparently not: “From the moment I walked down the stairs after I did it I just felt right,” Roland said.  “I had repressed my feeling for so long. I had worked out exactly how I would do it and rehearsed it many times.  It proved to me afterwards that your brain and emotions could overpower you so much.  I had rehearsed the whole thing over and over.  SO when it came to actually doing it, the pain wasn’t an issue anymore.”  So, how does that conversation go? “Darling, I’ve sliced off my wang. I’ll clean up the bathroom as soon as the bleeding stops. Cheerio!”

5. I saw the most infuriating thing on the way to work this morning. First, it was a car going below the speed limit in the left lane, one of my all time top-five pet peeves. Oblivious to the fact that traffic was struggling to get around her. Even worse, as I passed her on the right I noticed her small son, unbuckled, leaning forward between the front seats talking to his Mom. Now, I know a kid can unbuckle themselves with a quickness unsurpassed by even Usain Bolt, but Mom was clueless, more intent on texting on her phone. Next to her sat another unbuckled child, and behind  her, a third one. Three unbuckled kids and a texting driver. Unbelievable!

 

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13 responses

24 08 2009
Claire

Sorry for the loss of your Honey’s grandmother. Hope everyone is managing well – you seem to have your humor intact I see. 🙂 I so would have called the cops on that mom driver. What did you do?

24 08 2009
Liz C.

Well, this post has left me speechless. Really.

24 08 2009
Alan

I shall stay away about the personal surgery post and go straight for the final one…WTF?!? Unbuckled children texting mom driving in the left lane?!?! That pisses me off and I didn’t even see it! There is a special place in hell for people like this.

24 08 2009
Jodi

1. Hope all is well….

2. Hunny’s Granny must have resided somewhere in the mid-west, probably WI. Funerals up home are pretty much what you described, especially the eating part…no one dies in my family without at leaset 3 restaurant meals & a catered affair afterwards…I’m not saying that’s bad, as a matter-of-fact, it’s the only time I see some of my family…hmmm, that’s not really bad either. Better quit while I’m ahead…

3. Yet in some states it is still illegal for two consenting, MARRIED adults to have sex in any but the missionary position. And where did that term come from anyways..? Aren’t most missionaries priests..? And aren’t priests supposed to be celibate..?

4. I can’t even IMAGINE…

5. I am torn on this one…I and my friends spent our childhoods running rampant in the backseat – I can even remember standing on my head while the car was moving! or snuggled securely in our parents’ arms in the passenger seat, and seem ok for it, but on the other hand, my boy NEVER, EVER, FOR ANY REASON goes anywhere in a car without a seatbelt…as for “unbuckle themselves with a quickness unsurpassed by even Usain Bolt,” my boy unbuckled himself ONCE…I just don’t really know where I stand on this.
I understand we are all much safer when wearing a seatbelt, for the most part, and I’m not a rabid anti-government kinda gal, but it seems like there are more & more laws every day taking the place of choice – especially parenting choices. Yes, I’m aware there are morons who aren’t capable of making good parenting choices & should never have had the care of a child, but really..? Maybe they should never have a child. Don’t ask me how it would be decided who can and can’t – that’s an argument for another day, and I’m fairly certain no matter what safety measures where put in place the people in charge would manage to make it into some kind of cotrol mechanism it was never intended to be in short order, but…

Glad you’re back!!!
bb
dawtch

24 08 2009
cuteasasa

Oh, now I get the picture! …Took me a few minutes.

24 08 2009
Jason

I promise I will never slice off my own wang.

And I hope everything’s okay with that curve ball thing you’re dealing with. Care to expound?

25 08 2009
Josh

Sorry to hear about the grandmother. I’m sure she was an excellent and fine lady.

On the stupid driver – people do that all too much these days. That puts me in favor of the ban on cell phones while driving. People abuse it!!!

And by the way, the guy that cut his wang off is fucking crazy. Sex change or not.

25 08 2009
trailerparkbarbie

Thanks! I got all the penis info that my mind requires for the next six months.

Child unbuckled and Mom texting….sheer stupidy and carelessness. That’s the kind of thing the highway cops should look out for. Dumb biotch!

26 08 2009
Nikki

I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother. Must be an honour she saved the last dance for you 🙂

Is that how you’d normally choose a picture for your entry? I thought it was amusing but couldn’t figure it out until I had a good read of your post (which was good, in literal). Good one..!

27 08 2009
queenofphrump

HOW did he walk down the stairs. How did he open his mouth to talk without a scream coming out? These are questions I will ponder silently over dinner tonight.

30 08 2009
thegirlfromtheghetto

As a midwesterner, I have been to plenty of those three day funerals. Never fun, unless you are chatting with old cousins you haven’t seen in ten years about how hung over you are. Very sorry to hear about Granny.

As for the penis story, after cutting it off, he was able to walk downstairs? How did he not bleed to death or pass out from shock first? That is what amazes me!

30 08 2009
paulineking

I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother

31 08 2009
Kathrin

about 5) people get freaked out over that PSA from England about texting and driving being too graphic, but honestly, I think we need stuff like that in order to finally get it in people’s heads that it’s crazy dangerous… and don’t even get me started on the kids not wearing seatbelts…

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