Some soul stumbled here trying to find out all about “things that shrink the penis.” An unusual request, no doubt, since all the junk mail I get would indicate that most people want to increase the size of that particular organ. But, to each his own. Should that person return to the Vinyl Village, I hope they will find the following information helpful.
1. Smoking. Yes, if you choose to light up, you’re running the very real risk of shrinking up your little friend. According to a study at the Boston University School of Medicine, “The effects of smoking on the penis is much the same as that on the heart. It damages blood vessels, inhibiting blood flow. In turn, this effects elastin, the magical substance which hold the key to what is widely regarded as the ultimate measure of manhood – the ability to have an erection. Elastin is like a rubber band that you stretch. This is what your penis does – it stretches in response to blood flow. Smoking damages its ability to do that, and so what you finish up with is a structure that will no longer stretch. What the researchers have yet to establish is how long smoking takes to damage a man’s erectile power.”
2. Obesity. While packing on a few pounds won’t literally shrink your schwanz, burying it under rolls of fat will effectively make it shorter. Inspiration to keep up with your cardio workouts!
3. Being Cold. It’s not just a classic Seinfeld episode, it’s a function of the sympathetic nervous system. When your body is cold, it pulls blood away from the extremities to conserve core temperatures. A penis with less blood simply gets smaller.
4. Fear. A rush of adrenaline can cause the penis to draw up as well. I don’t know why, probably some leftover defense mechanism to protect it from being ripped off as our caveman ancestors ran screaming from saber toothed tigers.
And finally, if none of that works, try this: