Get My Tiara!

3 03 2009


Back when I started my career, I lived with a friend from back home and the piece he was dating for a couple of years. At some point, my friend got a job working for a very interesting woman and her ex-husband turned boyfriend. His boss, I’ll call her Lulabella was very much like Kim Zolciak of the Real Housewives of Atlanta: big hair,  big boobs, rarely seen without a drink and a cigarette in her hand, and a penchant for designer labels. She was entertaining to be around.

My friend had only been working for her for a few months, and I had met Lulabelle once or twice when our phone rang one night around 10:30 PM.

It was Lulabelle…sounding like she was either in pain or drunk. She asked for my friend, who had gone home for the weekend.

“He isn’t here.” I said.

God can you help me!!” she moaned.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I’ve fallen and I think I broke my back!”

I wasn’t sure what help I was supposed to offer.

“Where is Max? (her ex-hubby/boyfriend)”

“At the Turks and Cacaos!” (or some other exotic locale)

“Darlin’, do you need an ambulance?” I still wasn’t sure if she had just tied one on, or if she was legitimately hurting.

“Yes! But I don’t want to be here alone! Can you come over and then call them?”

I guess I could understand not wanting to be there alone, so I got in my car and rushed to her townhome, which was about 15 miles away. I got there and knocked on the front door. No answer. I called her and got a busy signal. I went to the backdoor. No answer there either. I peered through the kitchen window, and saw the phone lying on the floor, and a leg splayed out from the edge of the cabinets.

I was a little worried for her at that point…had she passed out? Had she really broken her back and just couldn’t move?

I called 911. Moments later, a fire truck, an ambulance, and a city police officer arrived. They broke down the front door, and a half dozen rescuers went inside. I couldn’t see Lulabelle because the firefighters, EMTs, and police officer were clogging the foyer. I heard her call my name.

I’m here! Are you ok?” I stepped into the kitchen. There she was…laid out on the tile, wedged between the cabinets, with the phone cord tangled around her feet.

“Oh thank God you came!” she said. I still wasn’t sure if she had broken her back, but she cried out in pain everytime one of the EMTs touched her. What WAS clear was that my first suspicion–that she might have had a few too many glasses of wine–was right on. An empty bottle sat on the counter, two more on the coffee table in the living room.

One EMT started asking me for her information. What was her name? Was this her address? Who was her emergency contact? Was she on any medication? Who owned the townhouse so that a report could be made regarding the busted down door?

I barely knew this woman! I wasn’t even sure of the spelling of her last name, I sure as hell didn’t know what sort of medication she was taking! The others had gotten her onto a stretcher and were wheeling her through the foyer when she screamed my name.

“Come here!!” she said.

“I’m right here,” I assured her. “What is it?”

“Can you get me…” she started to ask for something. Get her what? Her purse? Her cell phone? Oh, but no…

Get me my tiara!!”

The drunk bitch was being hauled out in a back brace and she wanted a friggin’ tiara?? Who even has a tiara??

A small gathering of neighbors was on the sidewalk as we stepped out of the townhouse. Lulabelle shouted that she was cold and pulled the blankets up over her head. Gasps went up from the neighbors as the EMTs wheeled out what now appeared to be a dead body.

When my friend got home a few days later, the story came out. Lulabelle had downed a few bottles of “Stumble Home” , and while drunk dialing someone, wrapped the phone cord around her ankles, tripping herself. When she hit the kitchen floor, she had wedged herself just so between the cabinets and in her inibriated state couldn’t get up.

No word what happened to her tiara.




24 responses

3 03 2009

What a funny story. It could be a future episode from Real Housewives….

3 03 2009
Heather P.

This is hilarious!
Must remember if I ever need to call an ambulance, that I need to have my tiara handy! ROTFLMAO!!!

3 03 2009

I think I know what happened to her tiara. I saw an ambulance driver recently wearing it. The driver was a male.

OK….I made all of that up but it would have been funny. I think that I know who you are talking about but am 100% sure.
That is really funny!

3 03 2009

Awe, she’s the best! I miss seeing her. I am so happy I was out of town, though! Ha Ha

3 03 2009

“Who even has a tiara?” Are you kidding? I thought everyone just had a tiara laying around. We even have spares for guests! LOL…..

At least she was concerned about her reputation and pulled the covers up just in case she “had to disappear” for a while… My guess is that she is one for the spotlight or better yet living out the soundtrack to the “Valley of the Dolls”!

What happened to the ex-hubby/boyfriend?

3 03 2009
The Vinyl Villager

Steve—isnt she Kim though???

Predo–they continued their relationship for a number of years after that, but have since split up. Of course, they may once again have reconciled.

3 03 2009
The Incredible Woody

I’m filing that line away. There will come a day when I pleadingly call for someone to get my tiara for me!!

3 03 2009

Predo- They no longer communicate and have moved on.

B- She’s reminiscent of her; however, that Kim is a total, nasty person; whereas I find ‘Lulabella’ to be of, mostly, a good moral compass. Ah hell, yeah she’s like Kim. Dammit.

3 03 2009
The Vinyl Villager

Woody—just dont call me. Ive done my tiara fetching duties for this life.

Steve–they dont even talk anymore??? I thought they might for the sake of the kid. I agree…Lulabelle isnt quite as bad as Kim…they’re both just sort of “over the top” characters.

3 03 2009

That bitch needs some counseling!

3 03 2009

aaaaahahaha! funny story ..
and i stole the fucking tiara, that’s where it’s at.

3 03 2009

I find this amazing. Just in the past month I acquired a tiara story in my life. I mean, who’d have thunked it? How often does a tiara come up on conversation. Yours is funnier. Very funny. Makes me wonder what your roomie would have gotten into if he’d have been home. (And did you call his GF a “piece”?)

3 03 2009
The Vinyl Villager

Josh–she was a fun gal, all in all.

Red–somehow I never pegged you as a tiara type of gal.

Asa–I think my roomie would have known she was drunk and let her sleep it off on the kitchen floor. LOL!

3 03 2009

Really not a tiara kinda gal, yanno but wanted to pop in & say hiya before the sleeping pill kicks in…….*grin*


4 03 2009

No, ‘Max’ completely stopped communication. It really made me think differently of him. I haven’t spoken with either in some time, so let’s hope for the boys sake, they worked it out.

4 03 2009

I’m so glad she had an audience on the way out & to the hospital, bless her poor little heart (smirk).

Obviously, the Tiara was tarnished and thus, unwearable, lol. I have never been that drunk. Well, except for the time I fell asleep & burned a hole in my stomach with a smoke. Actually, that is just a lie. Really. Would you mind giving me your phone #? I promise I’ll never give a rescue call, lol. Yeah, right!

4 03 2009
Noe Noe Girl


4 03 2009

WTF?!?! Did this really happen? because that is an amazing story! LOL

4 03 2009
The Vinyl Villager

Alan–I swear on all that’s holy its a true story.

4 03 2009

Your life is so much more exciting than mine is…

5 03 2009
Random Real Estate

This made me spit my Diet Coke at my monitor. Thanks for a great way to start my morning 🙂

5 03 2009

Great story that made me laugh out loud and remember my daughter asking me to get her “tee-aw-wa”, of course she was only 3 and definitely not drunk!

5 03 2009
Mikey Garcia

That was so awesome.

5 03 2009

Hey B…We need to write our memoirs. Seriously, what do you say? I mean, that is not even one of our better stories. I have some ideas to get us self-employed.

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