Clear!!

25 02 2009

defibrillator

When my crazy mama got her second divorce, her newly-ex-husband met her in the hall after the decree was handed down and gave her a little dee-vorce gift. Well, it wasn’t little exactly…but it was a plastic, vibrating device in the shape of a certain body part that the ex-husband hoped would keep mom from “needing another man.”

Mom feigned offense at the “gift” but, of course, she kept it. Anyone opening the linen cabinet in her master bath was likely to have it fall right out on their foot. (I should point out that it remained in its packaging for years, coming out of the box for the first time–far as I know–when I was in high school and a knowing friend chased someone around the house with it)

Anyhoo…mama did, it turned out, need another man. She dated frequently, and babysitting duties were left to my grandmother, who grudgingly spent many a night at our house to see that my sister and I got to bed on time. One evening, my normally reserved grandmother fumed, “I don’t know why she feels like she has to run right out and find another husband! It can’t be for sex, she’s got a defibrillator in her bathroom!”

I suppose, if used properly, a dildo could get the heart pumping…but grandma’s gaffe still cracks me up a dozen years later.

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15 responses

25 02 2009
Red

hahahaa! that reminds me of that scene from “Parenthood” when the Granny holds up the vibe .. funny funny stuff.

26 02 2009
Jodi

It never ceases to amaze me, how many ways there are to butcher the English language all unknowing…an example I encounter daily – from seemingly adult, educated people.
“Yeah, I wanna get me summa dat digical cable”
Another popular one..?
“Yeah, I just got my services instellated(sp?)…”
Or how about,
“How many high density channels do you offer?”
Daily I hear this, and many more. While humorous in a sense, it is also rather sad – not pathetic sad, though it is that, too – but truly sad. I strive to teach my son to speak properly, but often wonder “What’s the point?” At six he speaks better than most adults I know. What will it benefit him to speak well, when no one around him will have any idea what he’s saying, because the words are unfamiliar to them?
Sorry, don’t mean to get all serious, I know it was a funny! I’ve just had “one of those days”…even more so than usual *sigh*
Glad to see all is well, and btw, I know quite a few folks who’ll be getting refunds based on that chart from the other day…
bb
dawtch

26 02 2009
The Incredible Woody

Heehee – you said defibrillator!!

26 02 2009
Amanda

Oh dear FSM I would have died several times over for each of the scenarios you mentioned.

26 02 2009
The Vinyl Villager

Red—the electric ear cleaner!! LOL! that reminds me of something Ive gotta dig up and share with you all…

Jodi—my skin crawls at the sort of butchering you mention. Keep it up with your son, it will pay off for him. And hope your day gets better!

Woody—I just hope I spelled it right.

Amanda—I was immune to them by then!

26 02 2009
Mental P Mama

That is good stuff.

26 02 2009
Noe Noe Girl

Wonder what Grandma had in her bathroom!

26 02 2009
The Rev.

Strange – the defibrillator on the ambulance seemed slightly less erotic…and much more dangerous.

I’m starting a petition to stock (or restock, as it were) the ambulances of Memphis with proper defibrillators STAT! 😉

26 02 2009
Snooty

Oh. My. God. That made me laugh so hard! Now I have to go tell my hubby has been replaced by a defibrilator….

26 02 2009
cuteasasa

Chubby friend and guy are on the porch. Friend is 15. Neighbor “boy” is about 20. Boy says to friend “If we go out, I’ll show you what’s it’s like to be seduced.” Chubby friend turned to her mom who was sitting just inside the house and says “So what do you think Mom? Can we go out?” Mom says “Sure. Someone needs you to get you to lose some weight.”

Later Mom realized the word she was thinking of was “reduced”.

Loved your story VV. Stop worrying about your need to keep things. All things considered you are remarkably sane.

26 02 2009
Alan

HAHAHAAHHAHAHA!!! Thats classic!

27 02 2009
The Vinyl Villager

MP—its one of my favorites, I cant believe I haven’t shared it before.

Noe Noe–if you knew my grandmother…you would know the most scandalous thing in her house is probably the New International Version of the Bible. LOL

Rev.–just TRY not to think of this story next time you have to use a REAL defibrillator.

Snooty–he’ll think you’ve lost your mind!

Asa–rofl!! Ya know, you arent the only person who’s ever told me I was remarkably sane.

Alan–I thought so too. I wish I could have gotten it on film.

27 02 2009
Big Hair Envy

Am I the only one who thinks it’s HILARIOUS that your mother’s ex gave her a “defibrillator” the moment they were officially divorced? Perhaps he was trying to make up for things in which he was lacking? Bwahahaha!

27 02 2009
thegirlfromtheghetto

Trust me, I have used both a defibrillator and a dildo. The defibrillator packs quite a bit more punch and makes you jerk way more than a dildo. I can not believe she got a dildo as a parting divorce gift. Nice.

28 02 2009
Josh

A defbrillator?

Talk about a jump start! 😉

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