Search Term Saturdays

21 02 2009

Someone stopped by this week by searching: 

“how to screw up your kid”

They probably got some good pointers if they stuck around long enough to read any of the stories about my crazy mama, but I think you have to do most of those things when the kid is young for max. effect. My mama didn’t flip out big time until I was practically grown, so other than the stack of frozen human heads I keep in the freezer, I turned out OK. (I joke.)

But here are some other ideas:

1. Get tattoos of your kids on your body. A guy in my neighborhood has very detailed portraits of his toddlers tattooed on his chest. (ahh, the things you see at the community pool!) Once those kids get a little older, nothing will seem creepier than knowing Mommy is staring down at a photo-real likeness of them when Daddy lets her get on top. A local radio personality has the names of her grandkids tattooed on her ass. Is there anything more disturbing than thinking of your grandmother with your name inked on her backside??

2. Get your kids involved in Show Business! The younger, the better. It’s an almost fool proof way to assure that they will get hooked on drugs, form the lowest sort of sexual standards for themselves, and generally set them on a path to bat shit crazy-dom. Closely related is to turn your little bundle of joy into an airbrushed, hair sprayed, bustle-skirt wearing pageant prostitot! (yeah, yeah, I know, some of them are “scholarship programs”)

3. Fake illness! Properly done, this tactic is not only sure to screw up your kid, but can land you some extra cash, some attention, and maybe even a free stay in one of our federal penal resorts! You can even fake the child’s death, like one couple did, to get out of work for a few days.

4. Or, just bear a child into THIS Florida family. Grandpa-dad had sex with his daughter-girlfriend (who, natch, had a tattoo that read “Daddy’s Girl” on  her ass) in front of the 7 year old they had made in a prior session of incestuous love makin’. And you thought those things only happened in the Appalachians!

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5 responses

21 02 2009
Jason

There are so many great ways to screw up your kids. These just might be the best ones, though.

21 02 2009
Predo

Wow, you have said a mouth full! (pun totally intended!)

What have we come to as a society? Lets push the envelope and find out! Okay, the Daddy/Daughter/Grandchild-Child thing is just SOOOOOOOOOOO wrong! I mean, didn’t that whole thing start to disappear after the movie Deliverance came out!

Eeeeewwww! “Daddy’s little girl” Sick!

22 02 2009
Snooty

Well, I knew I was doing something wrong when I didn’t get that tattoo of my son on my breast. What was I thinking?

22 02 2009
Noe Noe Girl

And everyone says I am “over protective” of my kid.

22 02 2009
Josh

Damn… “Daddy’s Girl”?

That is just disgusting. Honestly. With all honesty. Seriously.
I’ve seen more f*cked up people in other states than I’ve seen from ours. Is that saying something? Maybe the tables are turning on the rest of America. Who knows.

All I know is NEVER stop at “Possum Gas” off of I-64 in Indiana. Not that there are “Daddy’s Girls” lurking around – but just trust me, it’s pretty f*cked up.

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