Someone stopped by this week by searching:
“how to screw up your kid”
They probably got some good pointers if they stuck around long enough to read any of the stories about my crazy mama, but I think you have to do most of those things when the kid is young for max. effect. My mama didn’t flip out big time until I was practically grown, so other than the stack of frozen human heads I keep in the freezer, I turned out OK. (I joke.)
But here are some other ideas:
1. Get tattoos of your kids on your body. A guy in my neighborhood has very detailed portraits of his toddlers tattooed on his chest. (ahh, the things you see at the community pool!) Once those kids get a little older, nothing will seem creepier than knowing Mommy is staring down at a photo-real likeness of them when Daddy lets her get on top. A local radio personality has the names of her grandkids tattooed on her ass. Is there anything more disturbing than thinking of your grandmother with your name inked on her backside??
2. Get your kids involved in Show Business! The younger, the better. It’s an almost fool proof way to assure that they will get hooked on drugs, form the lowest sort of sexual standards for themselves, and generally set them on a path to bat shit crazy-dom. Closely related is to turn your little bundle of joy into an airbrushed, hair sprayed, bustle-skirt wearing pageant prostitot! (yeah, yeah, I know, some of them are “scholarship programs”)
3. Fake illness! Properly done, this tactic is not only sure to screw up your kid, but can land you some extra cash, some attention, and maybe even a free stay in one of our federal penal resorts! You can even fake the child’s death, like one couple did, to get out of work for a few days.
4. Or, just bear a child into THIS Florida family. Grandpa-dad had sex with his daughter-girlfriend (who, natch, had a tattoo that read “Daddy’s Girl” on her ass) in front of the 7 year old they had made in a prior session of incestuous love makin’. And you thought those things only happened in the Appalachians!