Another Exciting Weekend

16 02 2009

Well, if you kept up with the comments in my last post, you know by now where I spent my weekend. I’ll try not to prattle on like I did last week, but no promises!

Thursday night, I was in Charleston, SC for a big awards banquet and ceremony. A house I designed and decorated last year was chosen to receive an award, so I had the awkward task of getting dressed up to eat dinner with people I didn’t know and try to stay awake during speech after speech after speech. And when I say I didn’t know anyone, I mean that I knew absolutely NO ONE. And I went stag, which makes it all the worse! Talk about a boring and awkward evening.

It was somewhat last minute that I went to the ceremony. The invitations indicated “Black Tie Optional.” You know how I feel about ties…so it should be no surprise that I don’t own a tux, and there was no time to rent one. So I worried I would be underdressed. And, again, I was worried for nothing. Most of the men had dressed in a suit and tie like I did. But one older gentleman pulled out ALL the stops and came gussied up in a camouflage tuxedo. Everytime he walked past one of the big floral arrangements, he disappeared. It was an uncomfortable evening, but I got through it.

And then I went for drinks. Luckily, I have an old friend in Charleston, and I met him and a few others for a few shots and cocktails that made up for the unpleasantness of the rest of the evening.

The next morning, I headed to West Virginia. I picked this weekend to go for two main reasons (not that I ever need a reason to go home). For one, I had promised to go see my 6-year old godson (the Golden Boy) play in a basketball game. He joined a church league this year, and has been very excited to make new friends and the exercise and teamwork is, of course, great for him. And, two, it was Valentine’s Day and the honey had to go back to the outlaw’s house because Clyde got a new hip and Bonnie needed someone to help her take care of him. Valentine’s Day also marked the one year anniversary of my sister’s death, and I thought my crazy mama might need a shoulder.

The basketball game Saturday morning was great–the six year olds were amazing to watch. When one team was a member short, the other team offered up one of their players to round things out. When anyone fell, the others would stop to help him or her up, even if it meant missing a pass or an open shot at the basket to do so. (at what age do we lose that sort of humanity??).

The highlight of the weekend, though, was SNOWTUBING! My dad, little brother, the Golden Boy, another friend’s son (the Social Butterfly) and husband, and myself all went to Winterplace ski resort. Luckily, there was plenty of snow on the tubing runs–it has been unseasonably warm there the past week  or so, and I was worried we would be mudtubing!

The night before, I had gotten on youtube to show Golden Boy what snowtubing was. One of the clips we saw featured two bespectacled folks with heavy southern accents screaming and hollering as they rode down the mountain. Once we got to Winterplace, Golden Boy was on the lookout for “Those dorks we saw on the computer.”

It’s hard to say who had the best time–the kids or the adults, but before we knew it we had spent five hours riding down the hills. The kids were well behaved, the lines not too terribly long,  and we ended the day exhausted!

The Social Butterfly talked to EVERYONE he met in line…and when he and Golden Boy passed the time in line by making “THE BIGGEST SNOWBALL!” it gave him that much more to talk about–they were offering this huge snowball for sale to anyone willing to give “ten dollars” for it. With no takers, the Social Butterfly lowered the price to one dollar, while Golden Boy sought to give it some exclusivity by raising the bar to one hundred bucks. For the first few times in line, they made a new snowball–giving their creation away as our turn to go up the line drew closer.

At some point, they decided to keep building on the same snowball. It rode up the conveyor belt that carried us to the top of the hill inside one of the tubes, somehow managed to remain intact on the ride down, and was then added to as we waited in line again. The giant snowball, nicknamed “Garfield” by the Social Butterfly, waited outside while we had lunch, and probably made 10 trips up and down the mountain.

As we headed to the car, Golden Boy and the Social Butterfly had some disagreement about just who Garfield belonged to…and were convinced that it would ride home with us and continue it’s “life” in someone’s freezer. We were halfway to the car when I made them see that Garfield would be better off spending the rest of the winter on the slopes, where he might melt away come spring, run off into the creek, and continue the circle of life.

Only, the only accessible snow at that point was up a very steep embankment. My dad volunteered to take Garfield up the slope and tuck him under the fence at the end of the ski slope…but Social Butterfly insisted on going along to be the one who actually returned Garfield to the snow. After much slipping and sliding, which made a muddy mess of both of them, the giant snowball was reunited with the other snowflakes.

On Sunday, I had brunch with another old friend (the one who correctly “guessed” where I was in the last post–that cheater!), who had been telling me about  a place a half hour or so from our hometown called the Sedona Grille. Now, this particular part of WV is not known for it’s fine dining (not that any part of WV is)–and the place is in the middle of nowhere, in an unassuming building with a gravel parking lot. But, I had the most wonderful cucumber salad and sashimi tuna over noodles with peanut sauce. I was amazed that such good food could be found in such an unlikely place. If you’re ever skiing or whitewater rafting in southern WV, look that place up!

sedonagrille

By now you’re probably thinking “Damn he is long winded.” And I am. But you might also be thinking, “didn’t he say he was going up for his mom? I am not seeing the expected story of her craziness here!”

Well, here’s why:

11 A.M. Friday, as I’m driving up, and after I’ve tried to call mom a half dozen times earlier in the week, she calls:

Mom:Grandma said you’re coming home!”

Me: “I am!”

Mom: “Well, I don’t need you to. I’m fine.”

Me: “I’m coming anyway. I’m taking the boys snowtubing tomorrow.”

Mom: “Ok, well give me a call and let me know you made it.”

Me: “Well, want me to stop by when I get to town? We can go have dinner if you want.”

Mom: “Well, Doug and I were thinking we might go for a drive.”  Well alrighty then, I thought, a drive  that lasts all day? (Doug is her ex-husband turned sometime live in boyfriend whose previous marriage ended when he shot his wife. He and mom are on-again, off-again, but are apparently on again after he sold his prescriptions to pay her bills)

Saturday 9:30 AM

Mom: “Hey what you doin?”

Me: “Watching Golden Boy’s basketball game.”

Mom: “Whatcha doing later on?”

Me: “Going snowtubing, remember?”

Mom: “Oh that’s right, well I guess I’ll see ya in the morning.”

Me: “I’ll be done by dinnertime. Want to get dinner with me or I can bring something over?”

Mom: “Well, if I’m not asleep.”

Me: “Who goes to bed at 6 o clock?”

Mom: “I’m tard!” (not TIRED, tard) “Well call me when you’re done.”

So I did call, before 7 PM. I got the voice mail. I called the cell phone, and it went straight to voice mail, so it was obviously turned off. I left a message on both.

Sunday morning, before 8 AM, mom calls and leaves a message. “Hi! Just wanted to call and see what your  plan for the day is. Call me back.” Now, anyone who knows me knows that I do not get up before 10 on weekends. This has been the case as long as I have drawn breath, and will always remain the case. So, if you call me before 10, you know you will not get me.

When I woke up, about 10:15, I called her back.

After the usual hello and how are ya’s:

Mom:I guess I won’t get to see you this time you’re in.”

Me: “Why not?”

Mom: “Well, when I didn’t hear from you, we just headed on down to Doug’s mom and dad’s house to watch the race.”  I don’t know what “race” she was talking about, but I’m fairly certain it didn’t start so early in the morning. (I should interject here that Doug’s mom and dad apparently can’t stand my mom. Mom has told me that when they go to their house for dinner,  Doug’s mom will serve everyone else the meat or chicken or whatever, but only give my mom a plate with the vegetables and bread.)

Me: “Well, if that’s your choice…”

Mom: “You’re just too hard to get ahold of!” I was livid! She had preferred on Friday night to ride around aimlessly in a beat up Pontiac, ignored my calls altogether on Saturday evening, and then called on Sunday when she knew she wouldn’t be able to get me on the phone, and then had the nerve to imply it was MY FAULT we hadn’t seen each other??

I’ve only got one thing to say to that:

ww-bitch-please

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22 responses

16 02 2009
Serendipitous Girl

Dude, you went OVER & ABOVE. And I’m pretty sure if you used Wonder Woman’s truth lasso on that crazy mom of yours she’d tell you the same thing. If not, SSG will gladly use the invisible jet to fly over and stand in line to smack her.

16 02 2009
Jason

I so love your mom stories. I’m sorry I take such joy in your difficult circumstances, but I do.

Really? Doug shot his wife?

I’m going to bed. I’m tard.

16 02 2009
The Vinyl Villager

S Girl…you crack me up! I think the line to smack her looks about like the one at Best Buy on the morning after Thanksgiving…

Jason…not only shot her, but killed her! Came home to find her in bed with another man. Shot em both (as I understand it). The wife died, the lover lived. And Doug over a decade as a guest of the government. Right around the time mom married him, he got a big settlement of money from the government because of a fight or something he got into in prison. I’m telling you–he makes the guest of Jerry Springer look like Vanderbilts.

16 02 2009
The Incredible Woody

At least there was snowtubing and you just can’t beat that!!

16 02 2009
trailerparkbarbie

I hereby swear that what he is saying is true. That’s her MO…..she does her own thing when she wants to. She’s not at all considerate of VV and he really does try to do nice things for her.

I’ve been wanting to go snowtubing. Are ya going again?

16 02 2009
The Vinyl Villager

Woody…I turn into a big kid in the snow (or at waterparks) it was awesome!

Barbie…Ill go anytime! Wanna go with me? (and you can guaran-damn-tee that she would have been glued to my side if she had needed something)

17 02 2009
Josh

Damn….all I can say is….Damn…

Getting her to realize something sounds like it’s as easy as putting a six legged cat in a bucket of water. I’d be more tense than a campsite if she did that to me.

My dad is like that, he brain is all numbed out from all the drugs he did while he was younger. He is more confused than a moth on the Las Vegas Strip at Midnight, sometimes.

Doug shot his last wife, eh? I wonder what happened to him in prison – probably had him sweating like a midget nun in a penguin shooting contest.

Sorry about all of the Similes. I’m busier than a one armed paperhanger who just lost his leg and entered an ass kicking contest. So, I need something to keep me going. 😀

I’m glad you had a good time – wish I could have ran into ya, but of course you weren’t this far into the interior of the wilderness. LOL.

17 02 2009
GYL

LOL, me and Beloved say ‘tard’ instead of ‘tired’….but the ‘slip’ is more noticeable with an Aussie accent. Crazy Mum strikes again – love it 🙂

Question is….how’d you turn out so normal?

17 02 2009
The Vinyl Villager

Josh–I actually thought I was gonna see a one legged man in a butt kickin contest once…but the fight got broken up. LOL! (more tense than a campsite! LOL! Love it!)

GYL–she didn’t go completely off the deep end until I was older (plus, my dad and stepmom are incredible, and thankfully, never give me any blog material!)

17 02 2009
Noe Noe Girl

Sounds like you had a wonderful time with the kids and snowboarding~ I want to do that. Just havent made it yet!
And mama….well you gotta love her!
Welcome home big guy!

NNG

17 02 2009
Liz

Whew! You did waaaaay more than I would have. So, you were a good son no matter what crazy mom says.

Sounds like you had a great time in spite of her…

17 02 2009
The Vinyl Villager

NNG—I HIGHLY recommend it!

Liz–I did! Its probably the only taste of winter Ill have this year.

17 02 2009
cuteasasa

You know, I’m still shaking my head that I got Charlotte and WV right. Why can’t I get lottery numbers? Bet you wondered if I was hiding in your bushes when I guessed Charlotte the first week knowing you had the next trip planned. Anywho, congrat on the award. The description reminds me of having to go to a wedding “stag” years ago for a co-worker to represent the company. It’s very awkward to be in a “dress up” situation when you know no one there. I have never been so interested in my plate of food in my life.

17 02 2009
The Vinyl Villager

Cuteasasa–(shhh! you guessed “CHARLESTON” not charlotte! I wont tell anyone)
And, yes, Ive never gazed so lovingly at broiled grouper in my life! I do not look forward to doing something like that again…EVER.

17 02 2009
cuteasasa

But it’s pretty cool that you won an award. At least there was a neat reason to show up. I can tell from the pictures of your home that you do beautiful work. Let’s just hope some of these govt. $$ land your way to keep you in business! Everyone should get a piece of the big pie! (And so this IS how I pick lottery numbers!) : )

17 02 2009
Josh

Winterplace has one of the largest snowtubing parks in the country. It is an awesome place to go. As Snowshoe is for the rich and the cheapest room there cost right around $500-600 per night – unless you can get a cheap package. But those usually sell out fast.

17 02 2009
queenofphrump

“…..she only gets the vegetables and the bread.” That is the funniest thing ever!

18 02 2009
The Vinyl Villager

Cuteasasa…yes, it was an honor. And that’s what Im hoping too…everytime the stock market sinks, so do my spirits.

Josh–Ive never skiied at Snowshoe,I had no idea it was that expensive!!

Q-phrump–just more evidence of her craziness. She is always at those peoples house. Who goes somewhere when its clear they hate you??

18 02 2009
Alan

Dude…you have a crazy life.

Anyway…I hate ties also. My 6-year old is playing basketball and loves it! He scored 6 baskets in one game when I was lucky enough to be able to attend. And what is up with YOUR Mom? If I’m ever anywhere near Florida she is wanting me to stop by. Which is a problem when I’m in Atlanta…

18 02 2009
Alan

Dude…you have a crazy life.

Anyway…I hate ties also. My 6-year old is playing basketball and loves it! He scored 6 baskets in one game when I was lucky enough to be able to attend. And what is up with YOUR Mom? If I’m ever anywhere near Florida MY Mom is wanting me to stop by. Which is a problem when I’m in Atlanta…

18 02 2009
Alan

Oops…sorry about posting twice. Had to correct the fact that it is MY mother who wants me to visit. Not YOUR mother…which would be really odd and kinda creepy…

18 02 2009
The Vinyl Villager

Alan…if MY mom ever wants you to stop by, I’d advise you to say NO.

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