This Saturday’s post is devoted to the penis. No part of the male body gets more attention. Billions are spent to keep it hard. Probably billions more spent to make it bigger. And, according to my search terms, billions of people spend too much time on the internt looking for it. So here we have it, a random spattering of penis-related search terms:
“sex and the city “man parts””
First of all…if you’re such a prude that you have to refer to a guy’s junk as his “man parts” I have to question why you are searching for them. But who am I to judge. CLICK HERE to see what you were looking for. (Don’t click that around the kids, folks)
“cough so hard penis hurts”
I have had asthma. Bronchitis. Pneumonia. Allergies. Strep throat. You name it. And NEVER have I coughed so hard it hurt my penis. Son, you shoulda gotten to a doctor weeks ago. Now that you’ve let it get this bad, there’s probably no option but amputation.
“woke up with penis pain”
Are there bruises or marks? Did you go to bed alone last night? The little feller isn’t indestrucible, you know…and some of those positions you see in movies or on the interwebs just aren’t possible without straining SOMETHING. Do you recall having a really good dream and suddenly rolling over onto your stomach? You coulda bent it a little. What kind of clothes do you sleep in? There’s nothing worse than getting it twisted in the hem of a pair of underwear as you toss and turn. See, you really ought to seek out a reason for the pain before you run off to the doctor and embarass yourself. If it keeps up though, best to see your MD.
“15 inch penis”
ummm…why? Morbid curiosity? I doubt such a thing exists in the human race. There are, of course, those who think bigger is better–but if this searcher is one of those I would urge them to go to their junk drawer, take out a measuring tape, and see that 15 inches from any orifice is deep into vital organ territory. I’ve heard it said that there is a fine line between “ooo” and “aaah” but I’m real damn certain that the line between “aaah” and stitches is crossed a long time before you get to 15 inches.
Of course, maybe the person who searched for a 15 incher should hook up with the person who wandered here by searching for:
Well, I’ve never heard of a guy wanting to shrink his penis. Have you tried ice? A cool shower? Looking at naked pictures of Rosie O’Donnell? I guess a good question is why you’d want to. Is it creating an embarassing lump in your trousers? Try baggier pants. Is it floppin’ around when you workout? Invest in supportive undergarments. Do the other guys have a laugh in the locker room? They’re jealous. Screw ’em. Is it uncomfortable for your sexual partners? Get ’em drunk first. Or go down to the naughty shop and get an industrial grade lubricant. And if none of that works, let me introduce you to Lorena: