Monday Morning Mish-Mash

17 11 2008

douchebag

1. I finally passed the damned kidney stone I mentioned more than a month ago. It’s amazing how something so tiny can cause such pain and cost so much money. Two trips to the doctor, plus a very invasive visit to the urologist, plus three prescriptions, an x-ray, and a partidge in a pear tree. I could have gotten a diamond the same size for less money.

2. Here’s a question for you fellow bloggers: do people from your “Real life” read your blog? I’ve never kept mine a secret, and I know a few friends and family members read it regularly, but they rarely jump in. So,  here’s a challenge–if I know ya in real life, leave a comment!

3. I’ve been a satellite radio fan for a few years now. I was excited about the XM-Sirius merger because currently, one car has XM, and one has Sirius, and I had hoped that there would be someway to get my favorities from each all in one place. But no, quite the opposite has happened. XM dropped or changed a third of my favorites, and Sirius swapped their awesome dance music channels for XM’s mediocre one. I’m paid up through the end of the year, but I don’t see myself renewing the contract.

4. A woman is filing for divorce after catching her husband’s “Second Life” avatar sleeping with a virtual prostitute. You read that correctly. The man didn’t physically have an affair with a real woman, but his avatar was gettin’ jiggy with an animated lady of the night, and that’s close enough to cheating as far as his real wife is concerned.

5. A little funny this morning: A lady walks into Tiffany’s.   She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.   As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.    As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?’   Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little ‘accident’, she asks, ‘Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’   He answers, ‘Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to shit when I tell you the price.’

6. What’s the deal with calling people “douchebag?” Where did that come from? Is there really no better insult than to call someone a container of liquid for cleansing the vagina?

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17 responses

17 11 2008
The Incredible Woody

1. Glad the stone has passed. I cannot even imagine an ‘invasive’ visit with the urologist.
2. My niece reads but she is the only one. Everyone knows, just no one reads. What does that say?!?
3. I have XM, too. I’m not quite sure about the stations since the change but I do love Sirius’ Grateful Dead station.
4. What the hell is an avatar? I thought they were the bad guys on Charmed.
5. LOL!
6. I love the SNL skit about Lord and Lady Douchebag!! And check out douchebagalert.com!

17 11 2008
Little Miss

All my family knows I have a blog, but my mom never goes to read it – she really only uses her computer for typing up her newsletters and getting her financial data from her bank. She’s 88 and I’m impressed she does that much. I have a professional blog I tell colleagues about, but I don’t share my personal blog with work folk.

However, I don’t know you in “real life”…lol… but it feels like you’re the dude down the road because I live in a very similar vinyl village. Just in a different part of the country.

17 11 2008
JJJWWW

Hey! I know you!

1. I live in fear of kidney stones (not a top of mind fear, but every soda I have, I think of them at least once). Do not look forward to it.

3. I’m worried, with the XM/Sirius merger that the MTV VJs from Sirius’ Big 80’s are, once again, unemployed. 80’s on 8 is not NEARLY as fun without Mark Goodman and little Martha Quinn.

4. Emotional adultery can be just as, if not more, painful than full on genital-mash-up adultery. Though this just seems silly — if it was a co-worker with whom one shares all private thoughts and connections whilst keeping one’s partner in the dark, that’s one thing. If you are a dwarf getting it on with a dragon (or whatever these douchebags do), that’s another. (Though, in reading the story at CNN, I think 28-she realized she was married to a 40-he, and wanted to get out of it and find someone her on age.)

6. I think doucheNOZZLE is actually a much better insult within the vagina-cleaning genre. And as I write that, I wonder how large that genre is? Are their other vagina-cleaning insults? “You are such an FDS!”?

17 11 2008
The Vinyl Villager

Woody—on my way to youtube to check for the douchebag skit.

Little Miss–I dont know anyone over the age of 70 who even has a computer. My grandmother doesn’t even have an ATM card.

JJJ–yay! someone took the bait. Be mindful of tea as well…its worse than soda, so says the urologist.

17 11 2008
Peter Parkour

😯 I live on soda and tea. Let the fear begin. I’m glad you were able to put that behind you. I’ve heard those things can be torture. I used to know a pretty tough guy and his actually made him pass out at one point.

I stay fairly secret in my blog world. My wife and one friends (from high school who lives thousands of miles away) knows of it, and that’s about it.

#4 Sounds to me like she was just looking for an excuse. If that’s the best she could come up with she’ll probably regret it.

#6 Yeah, why not enema-bag. 😛

17 11 2008
The Vinyl Villager

Peter–Im with you, enema bag sounds much less appealing.

18 11 2008
Liz

My B-I-L has had kidney stones and says that it’s worse than giving birth. Not sure how he knows that, but you have my sympathies.

My whole family and several friends know I have a blog. Some read it. Some don’t care. My daughter occassionally leaves comments and the hubby has once. Apparently, they all think it’s just a passing phase that I will outgrow. Fools.

Loved the fart joke! But, that’s how I am. I love anything that’s innappropriate or irreverent.

18 11 2008
Liz

Ooooops! I forgot to mention that I think douchebags were once also used for enemas. If that isn’t gross, I don’t what is…

18 11 2008
cuteasasa

#5 – funniest joke I’ve heard in a long time. I need to get a blog. So often your items remind me of stories in my life….in this case, a friend who decided to pass gas while he was waiting for his doctor to come into the exam room. One of those 6 x 8 feet exam rooms. You can finish the story. Or wait for my blog. Late 2009 I think.

18 11 2008
The Vinyl Villager

Liz–if its like childbirth, I’ve had about 8 lovely children now. And I want an epidural next time.

Cuteasasa–you definitely need a blog! But until you get yours, I accept guest posts. If you ever want to tell a story, send it to me, Ill put it up here!

18 11 2008
Jodi

Comment on #4:
I never have understood why women in general are upset by their men watching porn. Now, watching porn while refusing sexual relations with said woman, then I could understand upset. But just watching or reading it? I don’t get it. What’s the big deal..? I’ll grant, if you’re getting comments like “You know, if you looked like this then I would…” and similar – I understand upset. I guess I’m just weird or something… My husband can look at all the porn he wants. He can watch it, he can read it. Don’t matter. He sleeps in MY bed, he wraps his arms around ME when I’m sad or scared or insecure. He lets ME put MY cold feet on his super-heated-been-under-the-blankets-for-an-hour-already self. He reads with our child despite a serious insecurity based on years of being told he’s “just a dumb ole jock” and has issues even speaking in public. I have seen him literally break into a full body sweat over less – but he still will read with our boy. I’m the one he allowed to see him cry when one of the puppies he finally let me bring home (due to possible mistreatment – long story) didn’t make it home. He cried like a baby while burying the little body under the lilac bushes and blamed himself for not wanting to bring them home a week earlier. I’m the person he tells hopes, fears, disappointments and angers. I’m the person he asks first for advice when he’s unsure where to go or what to do. I am the person he will wake up in the middle of the night for, to comfort, soothe, caress. I’m the woman he makes love to, looks at with love in his eyes, shows every day in a hundred ways how much he loves. Looking at all of that, knowing all of that, where do I possibly have justification for being upset about looking at pictures, or reading words of any kind? How can all of that not make something like looking at pictures, even fantasizing about such thing or people irrelevant? Really, aren’t there much much more appropriate things to fixate on, and worry at like a dog with a bone..?
And for a woman who doesn’t have those things as part of her realtionship with her love, first, I’m sorry, and second, why are you still in it..?
Just my two (ok maybe four) cents worth…
bb
dawtch

18 11 2008
Alan

Okay…here is my response to this particular blog…

1. Kidney stones SUCK. I’ve had 2 and they were both the 2nd most painful things I’ve ever suffered. Glad you are over yours!

2. Yes…my entire family reads my blog (which is why you will never see me blogging about sex or anything like that) and a few of my friends. Usually they are the ONLY ones who leave comments. Well except for yourself and a select few…

3. Satellite radio is AWESOME. But I don’t think the merger is the greatest thing. Competition is ALWAYS better for prices and product. And it leaves you with options!

4. Damn! If my wife thought that way, I’d have been divorced a long time ago! Actually…I have no idea what an avatar is. I always thought it was the little picture of me attached to my comments. Maybe not…)

5. Love the joke! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

6. Dude…that is just so wrong…but FUNNY! Vaginal cleaner! HAHAHAHA!

19 11 2008
The Vinyl Villager

Jodi–your hubby sounds like a great guy. (and Im with ya…whats wrong with a lil porn? Might give ya new ideas)

Alan–I shudder to ask what the first most painful was…

20 11 2008
Alan

Lower back L5 pinched sciatic nerve. Extremely painful. And whatever you do, if you have this particular back ailment…do not EVER sneeze!!! Had to get 3 epidurals to ease the pain. Not fun. And thanks for asking! 🙂

20 11 2008
The Vinyl Villager

Alan–ouch…my roomie in college had the same pinched nerve, and I can see that would surpass a kidney stone.

21 11 2008
thegirlfromtheghetto

Only a few of my friends and my husband read my blog. I find that weird. If one of my real life friends had a blog, I’m putting my two cents in on her page all the time. The downside – I can’t ever talk about my husband or our kids in detail, and I’d like to, but he has his rules. I like my friends to know what is going on with me, but then again, sometimes they bitch in person when I write things they disagree with, and its annoying.

21 11 2008
The Vinyl Villager

Girl, yeah I know what you mean. Im a fairly open person anyway, so I dont self censor a lot but if I were completely anonomous, there are a few more posts I could make.

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