1. We’ll start this week with another nun joke so that the little poster makes some sense.
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
‘Tell me Susie, who created the universe?’
When Susie didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her,
took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear…
‘God Almighty!’ shouted Susie.
The Nun said,’Very good’ and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, ‘Who is our Lord and Savior?’
But Susie didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck her in the butt.
‘Jesus Christ!!!’ shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said,
‘Very good,’ and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..
‘What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?’
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
‘If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!’
The nun fainted…………
2. All of which reminds me of an incident from 5th grade. There was this big kid in my class who outweighed everyone by 40 pounds and liked to throw his weight around. For whatever reason, I was his target one day. He leaned over in class and informed me that he was going to “Crack my nuts” once we were on the playground. Feeling that I might like to keep my nuts, I raised my hand to report his threat to the teacher.
“Yes” she said…
“George said he was gonna crack my nuts on the playground.”
“WHAT did you say??” with anger in her eyes. Thinking he was REALLY gonna get it, I repeated…
“He said he was gonna crack my nuts at recess!” Then she wrote ME up for saying that aloud in class. The nerve! Incidentally, I think ole George was embarassed by his weight and bullied us all to compensate. By high school, he was the most laid back guy. He’s either grown up or found a source for some good weed.
3. When MCM (my crazy mama) got out of the nut house a few weeks back, she vowed to purge from her life the unhealthy relationships she had. Well, she must have realized that would leave her completely alone because she has moved her ex-husband back in AGAIN. “As a bodyguard” she claims. (the only really dangerous person I can think of in her life is HIM, seeing as how his previous marriage ended when he shot his first wife). I’ve heard of keeping your enemies close, but this is ridiculous.
4. On Thursday I was talking to a friend of mine’s six-year old. He was telling me all about his tin-man costume and asked what I was going to dress up as. I told him I didn’t have a costume this year. He gasped and said “Well, get a job, you deadbeat!” (A line from Spongebob he was just itching to use, I learned from his mother)
5. I was with a friend at the hospital for a chunk of the weekend, and got to the cafeteria just moments too late to partake of the under-flavored, over-cooked fare available in the hot food line. They have one of those vending machines that dispenses barely-palatable sandwiches. I was desperately hungry so I decided on that. Only two old women were at the machine with two young kids who couldn’t decide what they wanted. (Let me point out that the choices were pretty much limited to chicken sandwich, hamburger, or pizza roll–it was not an overwhelming menu) I waited patiently behind them literally for about three minutes. Neither of the rude old bitches thought to say “Let’s let this fella get his sammich while you stupid children ponder the difficult decision of hamburger or pizza roll.” So I stepped to a regular vending machine and got a pack of Zingers. (Which count as fruit if you’ll recall last weeks Monday post) I sat down, ate the entire pack of zingers and finished a phone call, and the old bitches and their two charges STILL had not made a single purchase and were STILL trying to figure the machine out. FINALLY, after a total of at least ten minutes hogging the machine, they took their little brats to McDonalds. The nerve of some people.