Mama Talks About Butt Sex

20 10 2008

There are some conversations that make for hilarious chatter over cocktails with close friends–sexual misadventures, celebrity crushes, horrible first dates. But what is good for a few laughs with friends is stomach turning, revolting, and downright creepy when being discussed with one’s mother. Such is the conversation I just had with MCM (my crazy mama) about anal sex. To call it a conversation isn’t fair, as it consisted solely of her prattling on while I got in a few distressed “yeah…uh huhs” before she finally broke to take a breath and allowed me a chance to fake an incoming call and hang up.

It started off with her ranting about how worthless her ex-husband turned sometime-live-in-boyfriend is.

“I told him he had to get a job. I’m not buttering his bread. He’s supposed to be buttering mine!”

“Yeah…”

“Unless he wants to be the woman. And I think maybe he does. I said some mean things to him. I told him I thought he got some dick in prison cause he walks funny.”

Oh, does he?”‘

Yeah he walks funny. And he tried to put it in my butt one time. And I told him, ‘oh, no sir, that’s an exit not an entrance.’ I pulled my vibrator out of the drawer and said ‘bend over and see if you can take it’. Yes, I did. He wouldn’t! But that’s the last time he tried that.”

“Uh-huh…”

“I mean, I’ve tried it before, but not with him. He was too rough. You’re supposed to use some KY Jelly or some Astroglide or something. But he just tried to put it in there, wasn’t gentle or nothing!”

“Oh God…”

“I tried it with Teddy is who it was. He was real gentle. He used Astroglide. I still didn’t like it, but at least I can say I tried it, right?”

“I’m getting another call…I better let you go.”

“Oh ok, honey. I love ya.”

AT LEAST I CAN SAY I TRIED IT??? Just as non-chalantly as if we were discussing a new restaurant that didn’t quite meet with her approval. I present this tale as a public service message. When your own family is driving you nuts…come back and read this. I bet you’ll feel better.

Advertisements

Actions

Information

20 responses

20 10 2008
theincrediblewoody

I can’t even begin to comment on this!!!

20 10 2008
The Vinyl Villager

Woody…its ok. I would say that maybe they don’t have her medication right, but she has pretty much always been inappropriate.

20 10 2008
joanharvest

I feel like I shouldn’t laugh because it’s your poor mother but I’m sorry I can’t help myself. This is one conversation I never want to have with my son.
My mother was somewhat nutty as I was growing up but she did the opposite about sex. She neglected to mention it ever. She gave me one piece of advice when I was about 16. She said ” If you are with a boy, don’t let him near you.” She still hadn’t told me about sex so I really had no clue as to what she was talking about. I had to get all the info from girlfriends.

21 10 2008
Red

aaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaa! oh dear jeebus !!

21 10 2008
The Vinyl Villager

Joan–oh, please laugh! I had to to keep from puking.

Red…my thoughts exactly!

21 10 2008
Queen of Planet HotFlash

Sounds like MIL and your Mom should be roommates at Off the Deepend Motel

21 10 2008
The Vinyl Villager

Queen…think we could pawn them off on each other?? They’re a match made in hell.

21 10 2008
Big Hair Envy

OMG! No you dit’n say, “I present this tale….” Bwahahahaha!

I guess Teddy was buttering her bread…

21 10 2008
Alison

omg! I don’t even know what to say! I am in shock that your mother was having THIS conversation with you! HIlarious, in a strange way.

21 10 2008
The Vinyl Villager

Big Hair—bwa ha ha ha ha! No pun intended! But damn I wish it had been!

Alison–after I got over the “ewwwww” factor I found it pretty funny myself. She gives me so much blog material, and for that I should be thankful.

21 10 2008
trailerparkbarbie

Ya know….I’m not a bit surprised or shocked.

Bless your heart! You DO have to put up with a LOT!
But, her shenanigans do make for some interesting posts.

21 10 2008
sista #2

OK…I cannot stop laughing!!!

22 10 2008
MJ

LOLOLOLOL!!!

*faint*

22 10 2008
ntsc

She never did something like that with me, but my mother went into torrid detail about her sex life with my first wife, who didn’t want to know either.

22 10 2008
Liz

I ummmm… think I feel better already, lol. My mother is as crazy as a loon too.

It’s funny how she never gave me the talk about sex and yet when I got older, she chose to divuldge all of her sexual escapades. As if I had asked to know, which I had not. Ewwwww…

Dear God: Please don’t let me be like that as I grow older. I’m begging you. Please!

22 10 2008
The Vinyl Villager

ntsc–I think my mom will go into such detail with anyone who sits still long enough to hear it.

Liz–your mom and my mom have a lot of similarities I think. My poor sister was so ignorant about sex (as a kid anyway) it was pitiful. I’ll have to blog sometime about how she thought salt and vinegar potato chips could prevent unwanted pregnancy.

27 10 2008
Stephen

Perfect, just perfect.

8 11 2008
Tammy

Bwahahahahahahhhhhhh… OMG. I laughed so hard that I howled and the dogs started barking.

CLASSIC.

But c’mon… I know where the lady’s coming from- haven’t we all tried it? At least those of us somewhat adventurous. But to tell your son about it? Whooaoahahahahaha… there I go again.

8 11 2008
cuteasasa

I have no idea how I missed this. These are tightrope stories. I read them balancing between hysterical laughter and “oh no she didn’t”. As a member of the Nutty Mother’s Survival Society, mine once gave me a coupon for .50 cents off on K-Y. It was okay for me to be skanky, as long as I was also thrifty. At least that’s the message I chose to take.

9 11 2008
The Vinyl Villager

Stephen…not quite the word I had in mind as I was hearing this…LOL

Tammy…yeah, there are some things you just DON’T tell your kids.

Cuteasasa…a budget conscious ho? LOL! That could be a great character on SNL or something.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: