Monday Morning Mish-Mash

11 08 2008

1. Boogers are popular! Last week, you might recall, I posted three little stories about a crazy lady who paid a small fortune to have her dog cloned. Then two days later we learn that wasn’t anywhere near the craziest thing she had ever done–years earlier, its she abducted a Mormon boyfriend and raped him before fleeing authorities with a string of disguises–mime, nun, and who knows what else. Well, as I said, Booger was popular–The Vinyl Village had its best day ever–and almost as many visitors in a weekend as are normally seen in a whole month–and most of them came here wanting to learn more about Joyce Bernann McKinney. Hopefully some of those who came here to read about a crazy woman also had a chance to check out some of the stories about my mother. 🙂

2. Speaking of my mother, she called for money this week. Seems that whatever part on her steering wheel that locks it in place as you adjust it up and down was broken, so the steering wheel just bobbed up and down freely. Before she could have that fixed, the wonky steering wheel caused an accident. That’s right–as she went through the drive through at Captain D’s to get a Pepsi, the steering wheel flopped around, caused her to lose control, and crash into the Captain D’s. Apparently, she is too good to drive around with the resulting dent, but not too good to call up every family member that will still answer the phone and beg to “borrow” the money to fix it.

3. I got an invitation that I’ve been dreading–to my family reunion. (Mom’s side–well, actually grandmother’s side.) Its a gathering of mostly octagenarians, three or four of which I actually recognize and have ever seen outside of the reunion. The worst part is usually that we all have to bring a craft or a cheap dollar store “gift” and then we do one of those Chinese gift exchanges. It’s the talk of the family until Christmas when someone snatches away an item that someone actually wants. For me, I try to take something that no one could POSSIBLY want, because whatever I end up with is just going in the Goodwill box as soon as I get home anyway. But the gift exchange this year has some competition…the invitation implores us to bring along a musical instrument or other “talent” to share with everyone. I’m bracing myself for lots of banjo music. The worst part is that none of these people drink, so I can’t even tie a good one on to get through it. A good number are overmedicated though, so maybe I can score a valium or something to calm my nerves. At any rate, I HAVE to go, because I didn’t last year, and my mom rarely goes, so I have to “represent” that branch of the family for grandma’s sake. Though since mom is still grieving, she may actually come this year, because there is a good chance she can be the center of attention–a spot she clearly relishes.

4. So John Edwards admitted to cheating. And, like so many dumb political wives before her, Elizabeth Edwards is standing by her man. Now I know that many marriages weather the storm of infidelity, but just once I’d like to see one of these scorned wives just whoop the crap out of her husband. Instead of standing there next to him like a bobble head doll while he confesses to the cameras that he couldn’t keep his willie in his pants, I want to see one of these ladies just grab the mic and beat the crap out of him. Or maybe CNN could go live to their home and catch the wife tossing all of the philandering politico’s stuff out onto the lawn.

5. I recently had dinner with some clients who had been on an African vacation. After a day of site seeing, they returned to their resort to find that management had left them a note apologizing that MONKEYS HAD BROKEN INTO THEIR ROOM. Yep…monkeys! They had come in through the patio doors, ransacked the room–ate all of the South Beach Diet food the Mrs. had brought, along with the couple’s malaria medication. Probably not something that had been highlighted in Foders.

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15 responses

11 08 2008
Lori

1. Who can resist a good booger story??
2. Glad she’s OK though.
3. I can’t wait to hear the post about the “talent”!
4. Amen to that! And to think she was battling cancer while he’s out getting his jollies just pisses me off!
5. Got bit by a monkey once in Mexico after he stole my friend’s camera!!

11 08 2008
Little Miss

Another awesomely funny post. I agree with you totally on #4. I was going to post something about that, but that would have violated my personal vow to myself to not discuss politics, but really, I guess it would be more discussing assholes than politicians. These women are just as bad. Look at the model they are setting for young women: It’s okay if the man cheats on you, even if you’re sick, because you should just smile sweetly and forgive him. NOT.

What do you call a monkey on malaria medication? (you make up the answer here – you’re funnier than I am.) LOL.

11 08 2008
Big Hair Envy

Be sure your relatives don’t play their banjos too loud. I’d hate for the neighbors to call the Hillbilly Police and ruin the family reunion.

BTW – you should just be thankful that your family tree has a branch for you to represent. See……it could always be worse:)

11 08 2008
Janice

Are there any suspects regarding the breakin? and will there be an ID parade?

11 08 2008
The Vinyl Villager

Lori–apparently no one can resist a good booger.

Little Miss—I try not to get into politics too much here, but the thought of Elizabeth Edwards beating the crap out of him was too much for me to let pass! As for that Monkey on meds…Im comin up blank…anyone else??

Big Hair–yes, we thankfully have some branches–and most of them are full of nuts.

Janice–No suspects that I know of, but be on the lookout for a skinny monkey that isnt afraid to play with mosquitoes.

11 08 2008
Sarah

that was friggin hysterical.
and can you tell those africa-visiting-clients of yours that im sorry my monkeys got loose?
if its any consolation, he threw up all the south beach food.

11 08 2008
sista #2

ooohhh Im right there with seeing one of those women beat the shit out of the cheating bastard.

The Captain D’s story isnt funny bit it cracked me up ! LOL

And the monkeys…….I got the WIllies just reading that one.

peace
#2

11 08 2008
Peter Parkour

#4: If women would start doing what you said, giving now second chances, men might actually think twice. I personally believe women need to start making that stand. The doormat look isn’t very flattering at all.

11 08 2008
mJ

When I was four, I’d trashed my room. And when mom asked about it, I told her a “big monkey came into the room an messed it all up”.

I don’t think it quite worked, as we were living in Vegas and not Africa.

12 08 2008
dropofkim

*waits patiently to see what happens to John Edwards after being written about on this blog*

12 08 2008
MJ

Oh, you have to tell us what kind of talent shows up…

I agree with you on the Edwards thing – GROW SOME HOO-HAHS LADIES! I don’t care who the guy is, if he cheats on me, he’s going to wish he hadn’t!

12 08 2008
The Vinyl Villager

Sarah–maybe the monkey had some taste after all then. LOL!
Sista 2–what do you mean it isnt funny? I think its hysterical.
Peter–couldnt agree more!
mj–Hey, it could have been an escaped monkey from one of the casinos
Kim–it cant be good…
MJ–(not to be confused with “mj” yeah I cant wait to see the “Talent”

12 08 2008
trailerparkbarbie

Countdown to family reunion is on……better start practicing on a juice harp or maybe, a “warshboard”. As for me, I’ll be hearing real music in NYC. Ya know, you could join TrailerparkSkipper and me. We’d have a blast!

16 08 2008
K. Jayne Cockrill

I can imagine those monkeys loose in a hotel room, going through everything and putting things in their mouths, and generally ransacking the place. Quite the image.

I just recently wrote about loogies myself, so it is definitely a popular topic, for some reason…

KJ
http://nanadiaries.wordpress.com

17 08 2008
The Vinyl Villager

Jayne…the image I had was of them returning to the room while the monkeys were still in there! Im coming to look for your loogies right now!

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