Strange Dreams, NOT Drug Induced

29 07 2008

So I got used to strange dreams a couple months back when I was on meds that caused them. But after a month drug and dream free…I was a little surprised to have the one I did.

It started out I was in a Wal Mart, which in and of itself classifies this as an immediate nightmare. I understood in the dream that I was in a small, middle of nowhere town–but have no reason why I might have traveled to such a place. The Wal Mart was small and dated–like the non-super stores they built in the late 80s.

I’m gonna have to throw being politically correct out the window at this point–because there simply is no way to be polite from here on.

Running around the Wal Mart was a friggin retarded midget.

Maybe retarded isn’t the right word, but something was very not right about him.  He would run around the store, knocking things over, galloping like he was riding one of those stick horses, and cackle the whole time–exposing a mouthful of equal-sized pointy little rat teeth. The employees seemed to know the guy–they smiled kindly and laughed even as he trashed their departments.

The retarded midget ran up to me.

“Hi HI HI” he said, and he sounded like Bevis. (or was it butthead? I can’t remember–at any rate, imagine a midget version of Bevis and Butthead and you come close to this person)

“Hello” I said, and then went back to whatever I was doing. He galloped alongside me on his imaginary stick horse.

“Buy me a candy bar” he said (and you really have to imagine it as Bevis).

“Oh, I don’t think so.” I said, again trying to be as kind as possible. He galloped off.

“You could at least have gotten him a candy bar.” a middle aged clerk said from behind the stack of sweat pants she was folding.

“Well I don’t even know him” I explained.

“Everyone here does” she said with a sigh, as if I were a complete idiot.

I went to the mens room, and for reasons unclear stepped up to a urinal. (I say the reasons are unclear because I HATE a urinal and won’t bother to use them if I can help it at all). Im halfway through taking a leak when the RM (retarded midget) comes in and gallops alongside me.

“HI HI HI” he said again.

“Hi” I said.

He steps right along side me.

“You’re peeing” he said.

“Sure am…” I said, getting very annoyed.

“I can pee too” he said.

“Great” I said.

And then…

He steps right up to my leg and cackles  “I PEE ON YOU I PEE ON YOU” I look down and YES, the RM is peeing on my leg. The situation soaks in (pardon the pun) and I push him back on his forehead.

Next thing I know, I am in the manager’s office complaining and screaming that something must be done about the RM that is running around. I threaten to call the police and press charges. (Surely peeing on someone is illegal, even if you are a retarded midget). The manager tries to soothe me.

“I’m sure we can do something to rectify this situation without calling the police.” he says.

“Well you can start by getting me some clean pants.” I said. The manager steps out of the room, I assume to get me some pants that aren’t drenched in pee, and comes back a few minutes later with a stack of papers.

He sets them down in front of me.

“That first one is just a formality, we have to have it for the file…” he starts. I look down–it’s a Wal Mart Job Application.

“What is this?” I ask.

“You can start immediately!” he said, “Seven dollars an hour!”

“WHAT?” I asked. “I don’t want a job. I have a job!”

“Alright, 8…but please understand that it’s just to keep this whole mess quiet…” the manager said.

That was his idea of fixing the peeing midget situation–by offering me a job. As he added insult to injury, I woke up in a sweat.

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20 responses

29 07 2008
Lori

I don’t even know where to start in analyzing that dream!! And, seriously, where did you find that picture???

29 07 2008
The Vinyl Villager

LOL! I think it was what popped up when I did a google search for retarded midgets.

29 07 2008
Wendy

Oh my God…I’m laughing so hard right now…I keep putting my head down and laughing. UGH what a terrible nightmare! And WTF does it mean?!
It’s probably something to do with your worst fears but…okay, I’m still laughing here.
God. I have tears in my eyes.

29 07 2008
Big Hair Envy

I believe you are suffering from PVSD. Post-Vacation Stress Disorder. It’s a very common occurance; however, your dreams are WAY weirder than most!!

Sweet dreams 🙂

29 07 2008
The Vinyl Villager

Wendy…I should probably find one of those dream interpreters…but Im not sure I want to know the meaning behind some of my recent dreams. I used to never be able to even remember them….lately its like watching TV.

Big Hair…I hope your diagnosis is correct!

29 07 2008
Alice

Good grief – what meds were you on giving you dreams like that? And if your dream wasn’t enough, the pic of the midget next to spandex man creeped me out plenty.

29 07 2008
The Vinyl Villager

Alice, I WAS on Chantix (the quit smoking drug–which seems to have worked, btw), and strange dreams were an expected side effect.
But I’ve been off of it for three weeks or so now…so I’ve no idea why I dreamt such a thing. And HOLY HELL I had not even noticed spandex man…

29 07 2008
Moonbeam McQueen

Oh-my-god. This is so funny and horrifying. Oh, if only there was an “America’s Funniest Dreams.” This would win, hands down.

I looked up dream interpretations for midgets:

To see a midget in your dream, suggests that you are feeling small and insignificant. Do you feel helpless in some situation or have a deflated sense of self-worth?

But then, I also came across this one:

“A dream that includes one or more midgets signifies a new acquaintance who will develop into a valuable friend.”

With friends like that little guy…

29 07 2008
The Vinyl Villager

Moonbeam…you might just have hit on something…

Now watch, Ill have a midget who is into “water sports” move in next door or something…

29 07 2008
Liz

Okay, you are a seriously funny guy! Thanks for stopping by my blog so that I could find you. I read a lot of your previous posts and had myself quite a fun time. Laughing my azz off. That gets you a spot on my blogroll, Mister!

29 07 2008
The Vinyl Villager

Liz…thank you for stoppin by! (And for blogrolling me) I think we have several blog friends in common–Ive read a lot of you over the past few months. (And honestly, thought you were already on my blogroll–Ill have to fix that mistake right away!)

29 07 2008
Murray Trillionaire

Although I’m not a “trained psychologist”, I did take a psychology class in high school. So here’s my interpretation: you don’t like Wal-mart.

30 07 2008
The Vinyl Villager

well Murray where have you been??

I think you might be on to something too…

30 07 2008
Queen of Planet Hotflash

Wow..Peeing midget and Wally World, maybe you need drugs??? lmao

30 07 2008
MJ

LOL. Oh how I hate Wal-Mart.

30 07 2008
Sarah

of all the crazy dreams you can have- this one is just teetering on awkward.
awkward on so many levels.

im not even going to try and go deeper than that.
thanks for the laugh though..

30 07 2008
The Vinyl Villager

Teetering? I think it fell off the edge of awkward when the midget came into the bathroom…
LOL!

Glad it made ya laugh…thanks for stoppin by.

30 07 2008
joanharvest

Wal-Mart, peeing midgets, OK that is the stuff of nightmares, Even if you had one of those dream interpretation books I bet it doesn’t cover your dream. It would make a great comedy skit maybe. OMG, I hope I don’t dream about peeing midgets tonight especially at Wal-Mart. I hate that store. Best Buy’s OK but please not Wal-Mart.

31 07 2008
alntv

Oh man…you REALLY need to lay off the mushrooms! This is funny stuff! LOL

And I think it’s retarded little person…just to clarify…

19 09 2010
Caden

Yes this is the outer ring of Hell, the Wal-Mart ring. Be good little boys and girls or you’ll be stuck in this Wal-Mart forever!

Or maybe it is a dream which is easily interpreted:
Crappy places and worksites tend to be full of stupid people who think that crazy is normal and if you stay there the craziness will eventually piss on you. The only compensation of course will be to join them.

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