Monday Morning Mish Mash (In Absentia)

21 07 2008

Right about now, I’m waking up with the smell of the ocean breeze in my nostrils, the feeling of the sun on my face, and the sweet feeling of knowing I have NOTHING to do today. I may already have shuffled up to the rooftop deck to sip a Bloody Mary while I look across the waves.

Yes, I am on vacation. But–thoughtful villager that I am, have set up a few posts to magically appear in my absence.  A few random things for you today, beginning with something inspirational:

 

1. The Cheesecake Factory offers more than just cheesecake. I would normally have thought this went without saying…but a few weeks ago, as I traveled back from West Virginia, I had to stop for a fast food sammich in the middle-of-nowhere Tennessee. While hurriedly choking down the overcooked meal, I overheard a group of twenty-somethings (clearly native to middle of nowhere) talking and one said “The Cheesecake fac-tree has ever-thing! It ain’t just cheesecake!” I chuckled to myself, and made a mental note to make sure that everyone knew that they do in fact carry more than Cheesecake. (Though the cheesecakes alone are enough to put them near the top of my restaurant lists)

2. My mom called the other day and left a message. “Hi honey, I want you to do something for me, ok?” Usually these sort of requests involve me “gettin on my computer” but I was in for a real treat. “On your way to the office, or on your lunch hour, I want you to go get a few copies of the New Yorker–one for your mama, and you keep one for yourself. They got Barack Obama and his wife on there with Osama Bin Laden, and “THEY” say it’s gonna be worth some money one day!”

There was that “THEY” again…those folks who offer investment tips, excuses for nuttiness, and give justification to just about anything she dreams up on her own. I should point out that mom has a penchant for such things that “will be worth money one day!” Things like cereal boxes, unopened of course, that bear the likeness of nascar drivers. That such items are ever worth enough money to make it worth keeping them around the house for years remains to be seen–but after getting my quartlerly statements from my broker–they are probably a better investment than the stock market.

3. A good friend recently offered me this quote from Emerson, and I like it: “Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”

4. I told Lori last Monday that her husband’s joke reminded me of one, and here it is in all its racist glory: A guy decides that the best way to show his love and devotion to his girlfriend is to have her name tattooed onto his penis. So he goes to the tattoo artist and explains that he wants “WENDY” tattooed up the shaft. The artist obliges, but the guy is a bit disappointed that, unless his penis is erect, the tattoo just reads “WEY”..the “n” and the “d” are hidden when he is in a flaccid state. Months later, the guy hits the showers after a workout and can’t help but notice the letters “WEY” tattooed to the penis of a black guy across the locker room from him.

“Hey, is your girlfriend’s name Wendy too?” the guy asks, motioning toward the black guy’s penis.

“No, mon” the guy answers in a thick island accent.

“Ah…well what’s yours say when it gets hard?”

“It says, “Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day”

5. One of my favorite things to the only things I can cook is homemade pepperoni rolls. Last time I went for ingredients, I accidentally grabbed a bag of turkey pepperoni…noticed before I bought it but decided to give it a shot anyway. Now, I’m of the opinion that healthy usually means “tastes like crap”, so I was pleasantly surprised to find that the turkey pepperoni was totally acceptable and had 70 percent less fat.

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6 responses

21 07 2008
Lori

Ooooo, I can almost hear the waves!!!

Oh, and thanks for that tip on The Cheesecake Factree!

21 07 2008
trailerparkbarbie

Have fun at the beach. Don’t come home with any crabs!

22 07 2008
MJ

MMM. Cheescake Factory… I am a big fan of their strawberry shortcake (seriously!).

22 07 2008
alntv

I was hating you until I got to the second half of your blog. Love the joke! Hope you’re having a good vacation! And now I’m back to hating you…

22 07 2008
Big Hair Envy

We like ta go to the Cheesecake Fac-tree when we go to the big city 🙂

One of those bloody mary’s was for me. Right?

23 07 2008
.nicotine.queen.

I’m totally emailing that Blaspemy pic to my mother as “we speak”.

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