How Trannies Pee

8 07 2008

The Girl From the Ghetto blogged about drag queens and pissing the other day–apparently because the search engines send a lot of traffic her way based on those terms. I was reminded of an incident in my own past wherein an elderly drag queen cussed me out and threatened to toss me out of “her bar” for accompanying a female friend of mine into the ladies room at an “alternative” club.  Let me clarify a bit that my friend and I were the only ones in the bathroom, she merely wanted someone to follow her in for “protection”, and so I waited by the sink while she did her business in the stall.

In walked Scoliosis Spice.

Get out of here!” she shouted. “This is the ladies room!”

I bit my tongue to keep from pointing out that despite her polyester wig and homemade “gown” that she was, herself, not a lady, but instead tried to explain the situation.

“My friend asked me to come with her…” I started.

That doesn’t matter! Now get out before I throw you out!”

“He’s with me!” my friend shouted from the stall.

I don’t give a damn! You are not allowed in here! OUT!”

“Who are you to throw anyone out?” I said, a bit annoyed.

This is MY bar and I call the shots!”

“Well it’s tragic and tired.” I said, “And you have a lot more to worry about here than whether or not a dude is in the ladies room.” The irony of the situation was more than I could handle–I was being yelled at for being in the ladies room by a crossdresser–all while standing in a bar that existed to serve people who did not conform to gender norms. I busted out laughing. “And how do you know I’m not just a butch lesbian?”

Don’t start your shit with me! If you think it’s so tragic, you can leave!” She pointed her bony finger toward the door. My friend was done with her hand washing at this point, and trying not to laugh.

As we walked out the door, I turned over my shoulder and said, “I wonder if the folks at the Social Security office know about Grandpa’s weekend job?”

The hunchbacked “performer” shouted about what a “F**in asshole” I was and we ran off laughing.

Now, as if that wasn’t enough pissing and drag queens to last me a lifetime, today brought another chapter into my life. I’m working on a new law office, and was in my office today researching codes for the restrooms.

The owner of the company came in, and we started talking about choices for the stall walls. I googled something to the effect of “bathroom stall guidelines”–thinking as I hit enter that I would probably get thousands of Larry Craig related hits before finding what I really wanted. Now, the monitor in my office is HUGE…so the owner of the company was standing behind me, but well able to read the screen.

How about that one…” he said, pointing to one of the top links. I clicked it to humor him, and was greeted with these words:

“For many trans men, using the men’s room for the first time is a big step in the transition process. This section provides information on using the men’s room safely, as well as on methods and products that can be used to urinate while standing. This includes devices that serve as both a packer and as a stand-to-pee (STP) device.”

That’s right! It was a guide teaching female to male transgendered people how to pee standing up!! I never knew such a thing existed.

What’s this?” he said, squinting to make out the words. I broke into laughter as his eyes scanned the first few lines. “What the…”

“It’s something about transsexuals!” I laughed.

“Oh, I don’t think that’s going to help us.”  he deadpanned.

Hopefully today’s incident is the last experience I have that involves drag queens and pissing, but ya never know.

(In a shameless effort to win a contest–its now my duty to advise you to go visit MJ here: http://margeauxj.blogspot.com/ )

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7 responses

8 07 2008
Big Hair Envy

Scoliosis Spice? BAWhahahaha!

You’re killing me!

8 07 2008
The Vinyl Villager

ha ha ha! Im not kidding…I didnt know men could get osteoporosis. I think he must have been performing to earn money for his prescription for Boniva.

8 07 2008
thegirlfromtheghetto

That is my new secret nickname I’m giving myself! I love Scoliosis Spice!

9 07 2008
Lori

I would LOVE to be able to pee while standing without it running down my leg and into my shoe!!

9 07 2008
Queen of Planet Hotflash

how Ironic a man dressed as a woman yelling at a man about not being in the womans rest room. I would have beat his fake dolly parton wigged ass right there. Gawd didn’t Scoliosis watch the Birdcage? That’s how Drag Queens should treat guests lmao

10 07 2008
The Vinyl Villager

Queen…this one had just lost her manners in old age…

14 07 2008
K. Trainor

“Scoliosis Spice” *snort!* *standing applause!*

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