Yesterday I finally broke down and went to the doctor. If you’ve read some of my other entries, you’ll understand why I hesitate to do that. But I’ve been having some shoulder pain for the past year, and decided after yet another restless night that I would put on my big boy panties and have it checked out. Turns out I have some sort of rotator cuff problem that will be fixed with steroids and some specialized exercises. Getting old sucks. While I was there, I also broke down and asked for a prescription for Chantix so I can kiss my ciggie habit goodbye. Apparently, the major side effects are mood swings and depression. Not wanting to hurt my chances of success, I thought I’d better post a few rules on how best to get along with me under any circumstance. If everyone will just follow these for the next few months, I should be fine. So, in no particular order:
1. If I say I’m sleepy, or need a nap…the only response (if you must make one at all) that won’t annoy me is “Sleep tight” or “Good Night”. “Don’t go to sleep, I want to have sex.” is also acceptable if you are someone I’m intimately involved with. If you want to say “But you slept 9 hours last night” or “Its only 9:30” you will quickly get under my skin because I did not ask for an update on the amount of rest I have previously gotten, or the time. Pointing out either of those will not suddenly wake my body up.
2. If you are going to pull out in front of me in traffic, you better find the gas pedal and get to moving. If you were in such a hurry to pull out, you better be in just as big a hurry to get up to speed.
3. Furthermore, if you are in the left lane, you better be passing somebody. Otherwise, move your slow ass over. If six cars have passed you on the right—its a sure fire indication that you are in the wrong lane and you are screwing with traffic. Please hand in your drivers license until you learn how to use it.
4. If you need to make a right turn, just go on and do it. There is no reason to come to an almost full stop and then coast into the McDonald’s parking lot. That gas pedal is there for a reason.
5. When you are grocery shopping, kindly pull your cart to one side or the other as you stare blankly at the wall of soups or boxes of crackers. No one else wants to watch you decide between the “Bean and Bacon” and the “Clam Chowder”.
6. Don’t charge me $12.95 for “shipping and handling”. I know it costs about two bucks to ship, and if someone is doing eleven dollars worth of “handling” I consider that merchandise to be USED and expect a corresponding cut in it’s price.
7. Don’t send me your stupid email forwards. I need a good laugh so I’ll take all of those you can send me. But don’t send me your prayer requests for people you never heard of (check Snopes, folks, most of those are bogus anyway), your chain letters, your calls for boycotts, or the latest (usually fake, again–see Snopes) way they are taking “God out of everything”. Jokes, funny pictures, crazy movie clips, etc. are fine–fill my inbox with them–and you might even see them repeated at the Vinyl Village.
8. If I’m hungry, I’m hungry. My stomach does not have any concept of “ruining my appetite” or “it’s after nine!”. It’s like being sleepy–only one thing is gonna fix it.
9. If I’m grumpy for no apparent reason, its generally one of three things–some already touched on. I’m either hungry, tired, or sexually frustrated. So feed me, fuck me, and put me to bed–I’ll be fine.
10. Don’t show up on my door selling religion or magazines. I’ve got all of both that I want. If you’re selling cookies, though, come back as often as you like.
11. If your kid is screaming in a restaurant, take them outside, to the bathroom, or home. As unpleasant as it is for you to have to put up with your little darling acting up, its much worse for those of us who don’t know and love him.
I’m sure there are more, but following these eleven will help prevent the violent mood swings this medicine may give me.