How To Get Along With Me

14 05 2008

 

Yesterday I finally broke down and went to the doctor. If you’ve read some of my other entries, you’ll understand why I hesitate to do that. But I’ve been having some shoulder pain for the past year, and decided after yet another restless night that I would put on my big boy panties and have it checked out. Turns out I have some sort of rotator cuff problem that will be fixed with steroids and some specialized exercises. Getting old sucks. While I was there, I also broke down and asked for a prescription for Chantix so I can kiss my ciggie habit goodbye. Apparently, the major side effects are mood swings and depression. Not wanting to hurt my chances of success, I thought I’d better post a few rules on how best to get along with me under any circumstance. If everyone will just follow these for the next few months, I should be fine. So, in no particular order:

1. If I say I’m sleepy, or need a nap…the only response (if you must make one at all) that won’t annoy me is “Sleep tight” or “Good  Night”. “Don’t go to sleep, I want to have sex.” is also acceptable if you are someone I’m intimately involved with. If you want to say “But you slept 9 hours last night” or “Its only 9:30” you will quickly get under my skin because I did not ask for an update on the amount of rest I have previously gotten, or the time. Pointing out either of those will not suddenly wake my body up.

2. If you are going to pull out in front of me in traffic, you better find the gas pedal and get to moving. If you were in such a hurry to pull out, you better be in just as big a hurry to get up to speed.

3. Furthermore, if you are in the left lane, you better be passing somebody. Otherwise, move your slow ass over. If six cars have passed you on the right—its a sure fire indication that you are in the wrong lane and you are screwing with traffic. Please hand in your drivers license until you learn how to use it.

4. If you need to make a right turn, just go on and do it. There is no reason to come to an almost full stop and then coast into the McDonald’s parking lot. That gas pedal is there for a reason.

5. When you are grocery shopping, kindly pull your cart to one side or the other as you stare blankly at the wall of soups or boxes of crackers. No one else wants to watch you decide between the “Bean and Bacon” and the “Clam Chowder”.

6. Don’t charge me $12.95 for “shipping and handling”. I  know it costs about two bucks to ship, and if someone is doing eleven dollars worth of “handling” I consider that merchandise to be USED and expect a corresponding cut in it’s price.

7. Don’t send me your stupid email forwards. I need a good laugh so I’ll take all of those you can send me. But don’t send me your prayer requests for people you never heard of (check Snopes, folks, most of those are bogus anyway), your chain letters, your calls for boycotts, or the latest (usually fake, again–see Snopes) way they are taking “God out of everything”.  Jokes, funny pictures, crazy movie clips, etc. are fine–fill my inbox with them–and you might even see them repeated at the Vinyl Village.

8. If I’m hungry, I’m hungry. My stomach does not have any concept of “ruining my appetite” or “it’s after nine!”. It’s like being sleepy–only one thing is gonna fix it.

9. If I’m grumpy for no apparent reason, its generally one of three things–some already touched on. I’m either hungry, tired, or sexually frustrated. So feed me, fuck me, and put me to bed–I’ll be fine.

10. Don’t show up on my door selling religion or magazines. I’ve got all of both that I want. If you’re selling cookies, though, come back as often as you like.

11. If your kid is screaming in a restaurant, take them outside, to the bathroom, or home. As unpleasant as it is for you to have to put up with your little darling acting up, its much worse for those of us who don’t know and love him.

I’m sure there are more, but following these eleven will help prevent the violent mood swings this medicine may give me.

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10 responses

14 05 2008
Queen Of Planet Hotflash

LMAO sounds like my Menopause Rules
I feel your pain

14 05 2008
The Vinyl Villager

if the mood swings kick in, this might be as close to menopause as I ever get. The ever changing weather lately is already doing a pretty good job of imitating hot flashes!

14 05 2008
Little Miss

Some of those are good rules for how to get along with me, and I’m not quitting smoking. I did that some twenty-odd years ago. Pneumonia and pleurisy did me in on that habit.

16 05 2008
LadySkyeFyre

Sounds like rules to hold onto for long after you’ve kicked the habit. I quit 8 years ago. Good luck.

17 05 2008
Jodi

Have you been following me around, living my life..? You hit on a whole SLEW of my pet peeves and general reactins to life occurences – are you my long lost twin..? OMG Do I have a twin..? Oh no, I don’t think the world could handle two of me…
Good luck quitting, I’m keeping mine for now – it’s the only bad habit I have left 🙂
BB
dawtch

19 05 2008
trailerparkbarbie

So….don’t suppose it’s a good time for me to bring your Ma down again, is it?

19 05 2008
The Vinyl Villager

Bring her on, I could use the laughs. LOL!

22 05 2008
Cookie

OMG….you are so funny….and so right on target with the pulse of most people…

I love your writing.you really have a talent not found on forums.

13 06 2008
alntv

This is an AWESOME blog! Hope everyone is following the rules! And #9 is definately not something women understand…LOL

15 07 2008
Wendy

I feel the opposite of #9. If I’m grumpy for no apparent reason, make me something delicious to eat, hand me the remote control, and then do not touch me. You can stay in the same room but you must sit far, far away.

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