You know, Julia is right. We’ve all got crazy people in the family and we’re damned lucky if it’s only on one side. Now I could, and given time, probably will, fill these pages with family stories that sound like the script had “Roseanne” been on Showtime. My family is full of members who have “done time”, been to rehab, spent time in the “looney bin”, and who are generally what could most politely be called “eccentric.” But their stories are for another time…today I bring you these crazies:
“25-year-old Ricardo Jose Faulk turned himself into police after he was accused of jacking off in a Clackamas, Orgeon Target store and throwing his load on a woman. What’s worse is the woman’s 3-year-old was with her at the time of the “shooting.” The woman immediately noticed the hot jizz on her leg and immediately went to security. Ricardo quickly left the store, but turned himself in after he learned police were looking for him. He was charged with misdemeanor harassment and later released. He was also tested for STDs.”
Do you suppose he considered her a MILF? Or was this season’s Mossimo collection just that HOT!?But if that doesn’t strike you as crazy, how’s this one from the associated press?:
“WICHITA, Kan. – Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years — so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time the boyfriend finally called police.
“We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital,” Whipple said. “The hospital removed it.”
Whipple said investigators planned to present their report Wednesday to the county attorney, who will determine whether any charges should be filed against the woman’s 36-year-old boyfriend.
“She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body,” Whipple said. “It is hard to imagine. … I still have a hard time imagining it myself.”
He told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.
“And her reply would be, `Maybe tomorrow,'” Whipple said. “According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom.”
The boyfriend called police on Feb. 27 to report that “there was something wrong with his girlfriend,” Whipple said, adding that he never explained why it took him two years to call.
Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to her mid-thigh. She was “somewhat disoriented,” and her legs looked like they had atrophied, Whipple said.
“She said that she didn’t need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave,” he said.
She was reported in fair condition at a hospital in, about 150 miles southeast of . Whipple said she has refused to cooperate with medical providers or law enforcement investigators.
Authorities said they did not know if she was mentally or physically disabled.
Police have declined to release the couple’s names, but the house where authorities say the incident happened is listed in public records as the residence of Kory McFarren. No one answered his home phone number.
The case has been the buzz of Ness City, said James Ellis, a neighbor.
“I don’t think anybody can make any sense out of it,” he said.
Ellis said he had known the woman since she was a child but that he had not seen her for at least six years.
He said she had a tough childhood after her mother died at a young age and apparently was usually kept inside the house as she grew up. At one time the woman worked for a long-term care facility, he said, but he did not know what kind of work she did there.
“It really doesn’t surprise me,” Ellis said. “What surprises me is somebody wasn’t called in a bit earlier.”
WTF?? TWO YEARS? Her ass sat there for two years and only then did he think to call for help?? And how funny is it that the sheriff responding to this toilet catastrophe is named Whipple??? As he tried to pry her ass off the toilet, did he remind her not to squeeze the Charmin?