Mother placed her third call of the day to me just as I was coming in from lunch.
“Whatcha doin?”
“Same as before. Working. What are you doing?”
“Sittin out here with Delores smoking me a cigarette and about to smoke some weed.”
“I bought a tie dyed dress like they used to wear in the 60s. And a sweater dress with tights…”
“Like they used to wear in the 80s.” I added
“Well what should I buy?”
“Nothing. But certainly no more sweater dresses.”
“I’ve got some nice ones.”
“Then you don’t need anymore.”
“Can I keep these? Some of ‘ems got sentimental value.”
“What sentimental value?” I never should have asked.
“Well if you wanna know the truth. Scott (an ex boyfriend) and I came home from a party and he unwrapped me like a Christmas present. You remember that blue couch? Right there! I can just tell you the truth now. And once he had me nekkid he unzipped his pants and let that thing fall out and I thought I had won the Kentucky Derby! I went down on it and then went to town on it!”
“Jesus Christ.”
“I wish I’d loved the rest of ‘im like I loved that dick. You know he died the same day as yer sister dontcha?”
“Yes.”
“His ashes are down in Ashland Kentucky. I’d like to have a sprinkle of ‘em.”
“Well I doubt his wife would part with them.”
“I don’t see why not.”
“Really? She’d tell you to take a hike.”
“Well I know how to hike. I grew up in the hills. She couldn’t say nothin’ I’ve got pictures to prove me and him was together.”
“So? She still wouldn’t give you his ashes.”
Ewww Ewww and Ewww!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently Scott had quite the candy cane