$hit That Fell Outta My Brain

I think there is nothing more annoying than people who sit in the left lane. I suggest they do more to cause traffic and accidents than someone who is merely speeding. Are these people just clueless? Do they think they need a mile to pass the truck way ahead of them? And after the sixth car has to pass them on the right, does a light not go off to tell them to move their asses over? I’m seriously going to print up a big sign that says “YOURE IN THE WRONG LANE” to keep in the car with me.

I’m going to breakdown and get a smart phone. I don’t NEED one, but I want one. I’m looking forward to getting FourSquare so I can check in places. Is that geeky of me?

The electric mattress pad is the best invention EVER.

Is a prayer more likely to be answered if more people are praying for the same thing? I see people asking for prayer for sick loved ones, lost dogs, job interviews all the time. I don’t get it. Is the prayer of the person in need not enough? Or is prayer just a form of slacktivism? Someone who announces an illness on facebook will have fifteen people commenting that they’ll be praying. I imagine this makes them feel like they’ve actually done something to help. How about something a little more tangible? Go watch that sick persons kid. Take ‘em a dinner. Offer to help with their housework. (Longer vent on prayer as public spectacle coming soon)

I always wonder when I see someone with a completely out of date haircut. A stylish cut is no more than a 1988 big bangs one is it? Do stylists not have some code of ethics that require them to say “Honey, nobody has worn their hair like that since Dynasty got cancelled.” Do these people not notice that no one is wearing their hair that way anymore? Don’t they have friends to advise them?

I LOVE satellite radio. I didn’t have it in my BMW (so strange, never seen a car with navigation that didn’t have satellite radio too), so I’ve missed it for the past year. Comedy channels, music from every decade, talk radio, I could just drive for hours and never get bored.

Was looking through old pictures this week. I’m amazed and saddened at how quickly time passes, but very grateful that I have good “constant” people in my life.

Do you “like” things on facebook? I tend to hit that like button for TV shows, products, and celebrities that I genuinely want to keep up with. But what in hell is the point in “liking” some of the inane bullshit such as “When I was younger, I used to sleep on my stomach. Then I grew boobs” (true page!) What useful information can possibly be garnered from that?

Lest Anyone Think I’m Selfish

To prove that I spoil my loved ones as much as they spoil me, a sampling of some of the gifts I gave this year. Throughout the year, I come across things or think of things that would make perfect gifts for the ones on my list. Problem is, I always forget what they were by Christmas. So this year, I started a list of ideas and that made shopping so much easier!

Look What Santa Brought Me!

My 500th Post–A Look Back on My Favorites

500 Posts ago, I started this blog. I certainly would not have guessed I would have enough material to write 500 different entries! Thanks to those of you who read regularly, to those who just stop by occasionally, and to those who found themselves here by searching for a farting nun or a fat guy in a speedo (actual search terms, friends!)

To celebrate my 500th post, a little trip down memory lane. Below are my favorite posts from the past three years. Enjoy!

Trapped in a Faux-Finished Nightmare  “We kids had a good chuckle, and, nasty little things we were, dreamed up scenarios of poor Rogers hanging from the ceiling-mounted television projector while Sonny the toucan (or whatever she was) pecked out his eyeballs while announcing to the world that she was a “Good Girl.”

Mama On Catholicism, “Forners”, and her Last Wishes  “Anyway I think your daddy wanted me to convert to Catha…Calotha…Caloticism…whatever you call it. But I said, no sir, no child of mine’s getting put through all that sit down stand up and having holy waters thrown at him.”

Mama Tries Online Dating “I want you to respond that a woman is like a rose. In spring, I’m just budding, but by summer I’ll be in full bloom.”

Strange Things I’ve Done To My Penis  “And for weeks I had what appeared to be a lemon-shaped liver spot midway up my wang.”

 Beyond Turn Your Head and Cough  “Then he pulled.  HARD. Like he was starting a lawnmower. I was certain he had yanked my penis off altogether. I let out a blood curdling scream, and felt the blood leave my head.”

Everything you Never Wanted to Know About the Vinyl Villager

1. I can not eat meat that is still on the bone. Chicken wings, t-bone steaks, bone-in pork chops–forget it.

2. I get new bed pillows every few months because I require big, fluffy, firm ones. The minute they get flat at all I toss and turn and it’s time for new ones.

3. I’m the oldest child. There is an almost 14 year spread between me and my youngest brother.

4. I’ve absolutely no personal use for religion and never have. No offense to anyone who does. I’m not sure why, but even as a very young child I would leave church feeling like there was something creepy and cult-ish about it and have never been to one where that wasn’t the case.

5. I used to keep a fanatical accounting of my checkbook. Then, one day, I transposed the amount I was writing the check for and the balance I was recording in my ledger and didn’t realize I’d done so until I had bounced over a dozen things. Thats right, I sent off a check made out for the full balance of my checking account. I have never done more than verify my online statements since then.

6. I need a haircut at MOST every four weeks. Otherwise, it starts touching the tops of my ears and drives me bananas.

7. I love to bargain hunt. I make weekly pilgrimages to TJ Maxx, Tuesday Morning, and Marshalls. I could not tell you the last time I paid retail for anything.

8. The people at the Honda dealership know me by name and if I see them out in public will stop and chat like we are old friends. This shouldn’t come as a surprise.

9. I would like to learn to do two things–interior trimwork and sewing. That way I could make my own drapes and pillows and so forth and put crown molding up in the rest of the house.

10. I spend entirely too much time playing Millionaire City and Farkle on Facebook.

11. My favorite song of all time is “Vogue” by Madonna. It came out when I was in the 7th grade and still perks me up today.

12. I’ve tried, really, but I do not understand football. The game or the culture.

13. I’m very hard to embarass.

14. I’m also very hard to offend.

15. My favorite color is brown.

16. I sometimes use unnecessary “thes”, as in “We need to go to THE Wal Mart.” or “I found it at THE K-Mart.”

17. My home state is also home to the Pepperoni Roll. I love them, and have to have them when I go home, despite the fact that they must be terrible for me.

18. When I have nothing better to do I love to take “house drives”–cruising through nice or architecturally interesting neighborhoods just to get ideas. Likewise, I will also take boredom drives down the motor mile just to look at cars.

19. When I was very young, my constant companion was a little blue and white plaid doll with orange hair named “Charlie.”

20. Often times when I don’t like a food, it has everything to do with it’s texture and little to do with it’s taste. Onions are a perfect example.

21. Sometimes I have the GPS in my car give me directions even if I know where I’m going just to have some noise other than the radio.

22. I sing along with the music in my car…badly. Sometimes I dance too.

23. When I’m home alone and cleaning, I put in my earbuds and sing at the top of my lungs to whatever song I’m listening to.

24. My mom thought I’d grow up to be an insurance adjuster because when I was a kid, I’d whack my matchbox cars with a hammer and then write detailed estimates for their repairs.

25. If real life did not get in the way, my natural circadian clock would have me go to sleep around 4 am and wake me up around 11 am. But getting up early is torture for me, no matter how many hours of sleep I’ve gotten.

An 8 Year Old On Anatomy

Over my Christmas holiday, my friend and I were playing “Upwords” (a scrabble-like board game) with her eight year old son. The letters for one round set us up perfectly to play the word  ”vagina.” My friend and I laughed at the inappropriateness of using that while playing with a child.

He chimed in, “I know what that means!”

His mother asked him what he thought it meant.

“Chest pains!”

An 8 Year Old on Santa and Banking

As I was taking my godson to school this morning we had this conversation:

“I know Santa’s not real.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Mom’s the one who buys all those toys.”

“With what money?”

“Not with money, she just writes a check.”

He has the same grasp on banking and money management as way too many adults I know.

Ten Years Ago Today…

I loaded up my U-haul and moved to South Carolina to start my career. My dad and one of my lifelong friends helped me. (In fairness, I think they unloaded the UHaul while I attempted to find sustenance for us.) In the space of  one weekend, we loaded up my old apartment in West Virginia, moved to South Carolina, completely unboxed my stuff and set the apartment up (including hanging all the pictures and drapes), then went back to WV for my graduation party.

The company I first worked for, one of the largest and most well respected in my field, recruited me straight out of my last semester in college. I’d never even heard of the city I’ve called home for the last decade. Over my Thanksgiving break, I drove here for a round of interviews. As I was getting ready in my hotel room, the local news was running a list of cancellations due to the “winter weather.” I’m not joking that every school, church, and office in town must have been closed. I looked outside. There was a dusting of snow in the shadows and under the trees. That is this place’s idea of a major weather event.

“I could get used to this.” I thought.

The rest, as they say, is history.

You Would Have Thought it Impossible…

But I embarassed myself at Wal-Mart. To make a long story short, I went in for a handful of things, and as I was waiting to check out noticed their kiosk of gift cards. Now, every year since our little town got one, I’ve gotten my grandmother a Cracker Barrell gift card for Christmas. She doesn’t go out to eat a lot, so she really appreciates the “treat.” It was also the very last Christmas gift I needed to buy.

The lady rang up my purchases, gave me my total, and I went throught the usual swiping of the debit card. When the receipt printed, it did not include the activation code for the gift card.

“Oh my…it didn’t activate. Let me try that again.”

For the next five minutes we tried all three of the remaining Cracker Barrell cards, to no avail. A supervisor was called in. She re-rang my entire purchase, sans gift card, and then tried to ring the gift card up separately. No dice.

Several hours later, I was logged into my online banking to pay some bills and see just how much I’d stimulated the economy this Christmas. And there, at the top of the list, were FOUR charges from Wal-Mart. The entire purchase amount, the purchase amount without the gift card, and two more for JUST the gift card. I was annoyed. I called them up immediately.

“Sure, just bring in your receipt.”

“The receipt that I have only shows the items I came home with. They didn’t give me a receipt for all the gift cards I did not get.” (This much should have been obvious to her.)

“Well, if you can print out a bank statement and come in between 6AM and 2 PM when our cash office is open, they can help you.”

This annoyed me of course, because the time frame meant I’d have to get up early (a concept that is anathema to me). Nevertheless, the next morning I woke up a few minutes early, showered, put on some clothes, and logged onto the interwebs and quickly printed the statement of recent activity on my account. And off I went, at 7 AM, to Wal-Mart.

I explained the whole ordeal to the woman, who seemed sympathetic. She took a look at my bank statement and, with a puzzled look, said “Well…look honey…”

And there it was. Right on the damn statement I had printed and handed to her, CREDITS for the extra charges. They had posted at some point in the middle of the night, but I hadn’t bothered to take a look at the statement I actually printed that morning. She gave me one of those “Bless Your Heart” smiles and I scurried out of the store.

What’s Santa Bringin’ Mama?

I was talking to mom over the weekend and remarked that I was finished with my Christmas shopping.

“What’d ya get me?”

Let me interject here that what I got her was a nice, big, red purse, because she has indicated she wants one many times over the year, and an assortment of her favorite fragrances from Bath and Body Works. It’s a good quality, name brand bag, but not TOO good quality. (I bought her a Louis Vuitton bag one year and she thought it looked “old ladyish” and gave it to Goodwill.)

“It’s a surprise!”

“Hmmm…well I don’t think I gave ya any ideas, I’m stumped!”

Yeah, right, like she doesn’t ask for two different things and a stipend everytime I talk to her?

“Is it something for my bed?”

“No. I didn’t know you needed bedding.”

“I’d like a new bed in a bag.”

“Well that’s not it.”

“Well tell your Darling that’s what I want.”

“We aren’t buying you separate gifts.”

“Well I’m the mother-in-law.”

“Have you and any of your countless men purchased separate gifts for your in-laws?”

“Oh, well, I don’t reckon.”

The conversation moved to another topic.

“Is it something I can wear?”

“I’m not going to tell you.”

“Is it a pair of khakis? I need a new pair.”

“Yeah, that’s it.” I just wanted off this guessing game.

“Oh good! I think khakis would look good with a red sweater. But I need a bigger size than I used to.” (Clearly, pants alone would NEVER do as a gift unless I also purchased everything to go with the ensemble in her head.)

“It’s not khakis. I was just trying to get you to shut up.”

“Well I cain’t think of what it could be…”

“You’ll find out at Christmas.”

The conversation changed course and we said our goodbyes. A few hours later, she was calling back.

“I know what it is!”

“What is it then?”

“A cruise! Y’all are takin’ me on a cruise with ya.”

“You’re going to be very disappointed then. Do you know how much a cruise is?”

“No.”

“Well it would be well over $1,000 by the time we flew you to get on the boat.”

“Hell, I’ll hitchhike to the boat!”

“It’s not a cruise.”

“A week at the beach?”

“Did someone leave you with the mistaken impression I’d won the lottery?”

“Well, I just can’t think of what it could be.”

“Set your sites lower.”

“A mother’s ring?”

“No.”

“I want one of those. Me and your sister’s stones set on either side of yours.”

“Well, unless our stones are glass and gravel, it won’t be that either.”

“No, emerald and sapphire.”

“Then, no.”

“At least none of us is a diamond.”

“Still no.”

“Well all I could figure was you’d takin’ me on a cruise or you’d got me a mother’s ring…”

“Nope, sorry.”

“Well, is it…oh someone’s on my other line…let me call ya back honey.”

Thank God for that someone else…