Wal Mart Winery

 Wal-Mart announced that sometime in 2010 it will begin offering customers a new discount item…Walmart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is rumored to be teaming up with Ernest& Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable  price in the $2 to $5 range.  Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand  into their shopping carts, but ‘There is a market for inexpensive wine,’ said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. ‘However, branding will be very important.’  Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Walmart wine brands and varieties.

 The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
 10. Chateau Traileur Parc
 9. White Trashfindel
 8. Big Red Gulp
 7. World Championship Riesling
 6. NASCARbernet
 5. Chef Boyardeaux
 4. Peanut Noir
 3. I Can’t Believe it’s not Vinegar
 2. Grape Expectations
 1. Nasti Spumante

 The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

 P.S. Don’t bother commenting  to tell me that this is a hoax. I know possum is not white meat.

Get Outta The Way, Granny’s Late for Her Rinse and Set

I cringe when I get in traffic behind a Buick. They are generally glued to the left lane, cruising along at least ten miles below the speed limit, and being piloted by a blue  haired old woman who can barely see over the steering wheel. I shouldn’t stereotype, but have you ever seen a hot young person behind the wheel  of a LeSabre? I didn’t think so.

You must go read THIS STORY.  Anyway, this old gal is out to break stereotypes because police clocked her Buick at 102 miles per hour. Before being cuffed and hauled off to the clink, Granny explained that she was just late for her hair appointment. Honesty is always best, but if I’m 72 and pulled over for speeding, I’m gonna fake a seizure or feign dementia. Of course, old ladies do NOT want to piss off their hairdresser. The number of salons that can still set an old lady “Q-Tip”- do and apply just the right blue rinse are dwindling, and they know it. Take my grandmother’s long time hairdresser “Gay Robert“…he will not hesitate to give an old lady attitude if she is five minutes early, five minutes late, or if the food offering she brings to the salon he runs out of the front bedroom of his trailer house isn’t cooked to his standards. To hell with that, I say, if someone complained that my meatballs were rubbery after I brought them a plate of food out of the kindness of my 84-year-old heart, I’d be hard pressed not to shove that whole plate of spaghetti up the opposite end of their digestive tract. But not my Granny, she just sticks with country fried chicken for Gay Robert now.

My New Place

I promised photos of my new place and my reupholstered living room furniture, and here they are! Forgive the quality, somewhere in my move I’ve lost the USB cable to my digital camera, so for now all I can do is take cell phone pics.

Living Room, with refreshed sofa and chair. (Looks brand new now!) Lots of sparkly and mirrored things.

Rarely used dining area. Funny story with the full-length mirror. A friend from out of town bought it on a visit about three years ago, planned to come back for it his next visit in an SUV and that still hasn’t happened. I don’t mind babysitting it though.

Study area. The dining, living, and study spot are all one big room…its a nice change from my old house where the living room was somewhat disjointed from the rest of the living space.

Guest room is ready–who’s coming?

And my bedroom.

And finally, the view out back to the course.

This Kid Is AMAZING!

OK, maybe you’ve all seen this by now, but this kid blows my mind! Sixth grade!

Mama Tries Online Dating

 

I spent the weekend in West Virginia, heading up that way with a whole list in my head of people to see and things to do, but ended up having the entire weekend consumed by my crazy mama. Which was fine, it was Mother’s Day afterall, and my late sister’s birthday was this weekend as well, which always hits mom pretty hard, so I was glad to be able to distract her. While I could fill pages with stories of shopping with her all weekend (including her failed attempts at “forgetting” her purse so I would pay for the hootchie-wear tank tops she picked out), I’ll stick to the good stuff. Mama is trying her hand at online dating. We were visiting with a friend of mine and the topic of meeting people on the internet came up. I shared that I had done so, always with some success, and my friend told of the folks she knew who had found true love on the interwebs.

“Well show me who gets on here around here!” Mom said. We took her to a site, and entered her search parameters. “Don’t want anyone over sixty or under twenty one!”

We did the search and checked out a few profiles, but the site quickly said we would have to join before looking at anymore.

“Well sign me up!”

Keep in mind, she doesn’t own a computer, doesn’t have an email address, and despite claiming anytime one of her absurd stories needs back up that she “looked it up on the computer”, has never even heard of Google. So we signed her up. Created an email address and started creating her online dating profile.

The first part asked her to tell a bit about herself. I, of course, was typing it all. She shared her zodiac sign, making sure to point out that it was “the most passionate” one. She listed her favorite colors, and her hobbies. The next segment asked her to describe an ideal first date. “Hmmm…dinner and maybe a nice drive in the country.” I pointed out that it might be too dark to appreciate the scenery of  a country drive after dinner. “Well, lunch then.” I suggested that lunch dates were best suited to weekdays (my personal opinion, of course) and that if the gentleman had time for a drive to the country afterward, chances are he lacked a decent job.

“Good point! You’ve got to have a J-O-B to get with me!” If her past is any indication, she is flexible on this point. “Well, say dinner and then shopping. We can go to the mall and buy fancy panties.”

“You seriously want me to put that?”

“Yes! That would be a great date. We could pick ‘em out together. But make sure you say they are for me and not him, I don’t want to end up with a transvestite!”

The final segment was a series of questions that you could either agree, agree somewhat, disagree somewhat, or disagree with. I bit my tongue and let her answer them as she chose, despite her very skewed view of herself on some of them.

The woman who takes two or three naps a day and often doesn’t get out of her pajamas “agreed” that she was an energetic person.

The woman who won’t show up on time to any social committment, if she bothers to show up at all, “agreed” that she was dependable.

And the woman who has never gone to church unless it was to walk down the aisle “agreed” that her religion was very important to her.

We uploaded a few photos, including one she chose from a family Christmas party where she got drunk and started guzzling infused cooking vodka. It has to be the least flattering photo I’ve ever seen,  but she insisted.

We hit submit. And IMMEDIATELY her inbox started to fill up.

I was a little stunned. Who knew men were lined up to talk to a woman whose idea of romance was an evening in the lingerie department and who posted a picture of herself with her gut hanging out? There’s a lid for every pot I suppose.

So I typed out responses to the fellas while she dictated. One gentleman remarked on the beautiful springlike weather.

“I want you to respond that a woman is like a rose. In spring, I’m just budding, but by summer I’ll be in full bloom.” I fought back laugher (or maybe I just laughed out loud) but sent the response she wanted.

After a few messages back and forth, another man introduced himself by name.

“You can tell him mine, but ask him if he knows what it means.”

I did as I was told, and when he responded that he didn’t know, she transcribed “It means beautiful, and I live up to it, both from within and from without.” By the end of the night, she had given her phone number to three different men. When I dropped her off at home, I had hardly had time to get out of the driveway when she called.

“Which one was David Williams??”

“Mother, I don’t remember.”

“Well he’s done called and left a message! I’s hoping he was the one in the cowboy hat.” (She’d taken a particular interest in one fellow whose profile picture showed him in a Stetson. She was thrilled to learn that he WOULD wear it to bed if so requested) “It’s eleven o’clock! I’m not calling him back at this hour, that would give the wrong impression.”

“Yes, it might.”

“Well goodnight, honey. Mommy loves ya. Check on there for me in the morning and see who’s looked at me!”

I forgot to. But I did check today, and ELEVEN different men had messaged her, including one who was very eager to go panty shopping because he “was always shy being in those aisles by himself.”

 

Top 8 Tips For Child Safety In and Around Your Pool

 Having children around your pool means a level of constant vigilance is required. As a pool owner, you’re responsible for them, and should anything awful happen to the children that are using your pool you may well be held accountable. Child safety in and around your pool is easy to achieve with only a few steps to take. Here’s 8 tips to improve child safety in your poolside area:

1. Constant vigilance. Always watch children in and around your poolside area. If you’ve looked after children before then you know that they can move fast and get themselves into trouble very easily. There is no substitute for your being there to watch the children who are playing in your pool. All other considerations are supplementary to this. Keeping everything you need close by so you don’t have to rush inside, even for a minute, is also a good idea. Have your telephone outside with you or simply don’t answer it when you’re outside watching your children.

2. Fencing. By law you are required to erect a fence or barrier around your pool. This needs to be at least 1200mm high with a distance of 900mm between any horizontal bars. This is to prevent children from climbing over your fence to use your pool (even when you’re not there). You also need to make sure there’s nothing near your fence that children could use to climb up and over it into your pool. Check with your local authority on pool fencing requirements for your area.

3. Gates. Many pool fences come with safety gates and you need to make sure yours is childproof. Gates need to be self closing with a latch high enough that children cannot reach it unassisted. If you’re particularly worried you can install a gate alarm as an additional deterrent. Never prop your gate open

4. Pool covering. Having a pool cover over your pool when it’s not in use is a great way of both deterring children from sneaking in and will also offer some level of resistance should they fall in. Always make sure you have your pool cover properly fitted to your pool and tie it down if you can.

 5. Chemicals. The chemicals you use in your pool – primarily chlorine – are very dangerous. Hiding them away in a shed or locked cupboard will keep them away from curious little hands.

6. House your pump. Pool pumps and filters should be similarly hidden away. They are on the whole not too dangerous for children but if you’ve set timers and have your system running the way you want it, you’re going to want to avoid unintentional sabotage from your children.

7. Keep toys away. Try to discourage children from bringing toys into your poolside area (unless they’re specific pool toys). If a particularly interesting toy truck falls into the water a child may very well fall in trying to reach it.

8. Learn CPR. Take a course in first aid and CPR so you know exactly what to do should something go wrong and the unthinkable happen. When you have small children around your pool having fun, there’s always an undertone of danger and potential disaster. But by keeping to a few strict rules and following a few guidelines you can rest assured that the children using your pool are having a great, safe time.