2009 In Review

Stolen from Amanda, feel free to steal it from me!

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

Got a pedicure. Actually got about three of them, but I’d never had one before this year.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Yes I did. I resolved to reach my goal weight, and at one point I was five pounds under it.

 3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My friends seem to be dropping kids like alley cats lately.

 4. Did anyone close to you die? 

My former honey’s Grandmother passed this summer.

5. What countries did you visit?

just the good ole You Ess of Ay.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

Security.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

August 19th. For personal reasons.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Getting through it!

9. What was your biggest failure?

It wasn’t the happiest year, but I don’t feel like I failed at anything. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

My little kidney quarry ramped up to full production, but otherwise I was pretty healthy.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I didn’t buy much this year, but buying new pants in a size smaller was pretty dang nice.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

my own. I’m stronger and more resilient than I thought I was.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I think this one goes without saying.

14. Where did most of your money go?

To penis reduction surgery. (just seeing if you all are paying attention)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

snowtubing last winter!

16. What song will always remind you of 2009? 

Million Dollar Bill by Whitney Houston, thank goodness that girl got off the crack.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

Thinner, richer (not by much), and on the way to being happier.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Wish I’d worked out more. Would be nice going into 2010 with a six pack instead of a two liter.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

smoked cigarettes.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

with my dearest friends and family–just as it’s supposed to be.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?

oh look, a puppy:

 

22. What was your favorite tv show?

Dexter

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? 

I don’t hate anyone.

24. What was the best book you read?

740 Park. The story of New York’s richest apartment building.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Lady Gaga. LOL!

26. What did you want and get?

some really hot sex. (still paying attention?)

27. What did you want and not get?

a raise. I haven’t had one in three years.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

maybe Milk. Or the latest Harry Potter.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

on my actual birthday didn’t do a thing. Enjoyed a nice quiet evening home alone with a pecan pie. For my actual birthday celebration…went to PF Changs for dinner with a big group of friends, then had a final blow out with the old Honey before drinking myself into oblivion.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

winning the lottery.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? 

the same as it’s always been—Banana Republic clearance rack.

32. What kept you sane?

If it weren’t for the Pirin tablets, I don’t think I could go on.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

None of them interested me much.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

That moose hunting woman from the Arctic Circle.

35. Who did you miss?

depends on the day.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009?

Sometimes you have to get everything you want to realize you want the wrong things.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Don’t stop, make it pop, DJ blow my speakers up!

Mid Week Mish Mash

1. I decided to rename this category. All too often, my little mish mashes weren’t happening on Monday mornings. So now it’s just the Mish Mash and I can do it whenever I damn well please, thank you very much.

2. So what did Santa bring you? He was very good to me this year. I got a new netbook computer, which will be great to take along when Im traveling, and will keep me from always being glued to my desktop. I got a cool new watch–an automatic “skeleton” watch that shows off its inner workings. And I got pampered. The week of Christmas I had a massage, a manicure, and a pedicure. And I will sleep like a baby in 2010 with my new ridiculously expensive (but purchased on sale) pillow, new pajamas, and a new blanket that is the softest thing I’ve ever felt in my life. I also got the second season of Dexter on DVD. For those of you who don’t watch the show—you MUST. Trust me on this. Start at the beginning and watch…I have stayed up til dawn many a night because I can’t stop watching once I start.

 My new watch.

3. So the Honda dealership called me today with the news that my engine is shot. Luckily, this is still covered by the extended powertrain warranty. (Otherwise I’d be selling a kidney on eBay to pay the almost $7,000 it will cost to repair my car.) While I’m glad that my cost is limited to a rental car (why they wouldnt give me a loaner is beyond me!) and some frustration, I am beyond upset that my two year old car has suffered such a mechanical breakdown. It has always been pampered and maintained above and beyond what is recommended, and Hondas are supposed to go FOREVER. I am seriously considering trading it as soon as I get it back next week.

4. One of my brothers got the Wii game “Just Dance” for Christmas. Basically, a silhouette busts a move to dance hits from the 50s to today, and you must replicate the on screen moves. This made for a Christmas morning full of belly laughs. None of us are known for our dance moves…though I have some vague recollection of some attempted break dancing going on in our kitchen at one of my dad’s birthday parties one year…but it was quite a surprise that Dad got the best score of the morning with his rendition of the Mashed Potato song.

5. Did I mention there were over two feet of snow waiting on me when I got home for Christmas last week? Of course, where I live now, snow is a rarity, so to see two feet was quite a treat for me. My godson and I built a snowman and went snowtubing in it. I always loved playing in the snow when I was a kid, and take every opportunity to do so now that I’m kinda sorta grown up.

6. My crazy mama got sentimental on me Christmas night. After lunch with the family, she and I spent a few hours with one of my best friends from childhood and his family. He and I had managed to miss each other the last few times I’ve been home, so it was good to catch up a little, and mom seemed to enjoy being in the company of other ladies her age. After leaving there, we stopped by another close friend’s house (the mother of my godchildren) so mom could see the kids. For all her nuttiness, she loves kids and old people. Anyhoo…when I dropped her back off, she dug into her cedar chest and gave me a couple of outfits that had been mine as a baby, along with the music box from my nursery and the Volkswagen-shaped cookie jar I loved as a kid. (“Ever had sex in a Volkswagen?” she asked, “I have and let me tell ya, that take some flexibility.”) Upon getting home, I promptly dropped the music box, shattering the figures head into a dozen pieces. I’m just heartbroken over this. I have found someone who specializes in repairing such things, but I just know it will cost a fortune.

Bad Car Karma

It’s been a bad week for cars for myself and those around me.

On Christmas Eve an old friend from high school posted this pic of what was left of her car following an accident she had on the highway:

Then, on the day after Christmas, my old Honey and my old mother-out-law had a crash in her big ole Lincoln when someone pulled out in front of them:

(not her actual Lincoln. Nobody thought to take a picture of the real crash scene.)

Then, while off with his family for Christmas, a storm sent a tree crashing onto a carport that another friend’s car was parked beneath.

Then last night the bad car Karma caught up to me, when my car started making some horrible noise on the highway. The temperature gauge reached the boiling point, and the heater quit working. No word yet on how bad the damage is, but there wasn’t a drop of coolant in the reservoir, so I fear the worst.

A Christmas Recap

I had a wonderful Christmas–a week off from work and got to spend time with almost all of my favorite people. Lots of food (my skinny jeans are fitting a little snugger now), lots of laughs, and lots of time in the car driving back and forth between Christmas celebrations.

Some highlights:

Apparently one of my cousins is known to send cell phone pictures of interesting bowel movements to her husband. Now, while nothing some of my cousins do would surprise me (a few of them are real winners, let me tell you) this cousin is not someone you’d expect to be snapping pictures of her poo poo.

My crazy mama has provided plenty of blog food this week, as you might expect. On Christmas Eve, she apparently drank quite a bit of wine and champagne at my cousin’s party. Since my grandmother is very much against alcohol, mom told her it was Kool Aid. Toward the end of the night, Grandma suggested that Mom might want to switch to water “Because you know that red food coloring makes you hyper.” Instead, Mom switched to taking shots, straight from the bottle, of my cousin’s vanilla infused cooking vodka. And if that wasn’t classy enough, she shared that she has taken to enjoying a glass or two of wine each day. “I get this stuff that was voted Best Wine in a Box with a Built In Spout” I chuckled and stated that I’d never tried wine from a box before.

“Well I broke my corkscrew trying to get a bottle of champage open.”

“You don’t use a corkscew on champagne.”

“Oh, well anyway, that wine I get is reallll good. Its fifteen dollars for five liters.”

“Fifteen dollars for FIVE liters?” I asked, somewhat incredulously. Now, I’m no wine snob. I have enjoyed quite a few five dollar bottles of wine, but anything available at that price has to be swill.

“Yeah, but you know what, I’m worth it!” she said, quite proud of herself.

“You sure are.”

Now, my dad and that side of the family very rarely provide blog fodder. On Christmas Eve, though, they provided a doozy. There is a running joke that my stepmother’s mom, Nana, thinks my dad is perfect. This came up Christmas Eve, and my stepmother’s brother joked, “Well, it took you three trips down the aisle, but you eventually got it right.”

Across the room, my little brother’s face lost all expression. “You were married TWICE before dad?”

Ooops. Later in the evening, as stepmom explained that one of her previous marriages hardly counted since it lasted only a few months, little brother said “I haven’t been so shocked since I found out Nana was married before Pop.” And MY face lost all expression because it was certainly news to me that our Nana (who, it should be noted, is a 700 Club watching, Fox News fan, who think thats Barack Obama is, at best, ruining us, and at worst, the anti-Christ.) had been married for a number of years to someone NOT our grandfather.

Christmas morning, as Dad made breakfast and my brothers were still waking up, stepmama put a SIXTH stocking on the mantel.

“Who is that for??” I asked.

“Your brother’s girlfriend.”

“Well thank God, after last night, I was afraid we had an illegitimate sibling coming this morning.”

I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas

By this time tomorrow, I will hopefully have packed up my trusty little car (which celebrated it’s second birthday yesterday with a car wash, a tire rotation, and the installation of wheel locks) and headed home for Christmas. I say hopefully because the little town I grew up in was blanketed with over two feet of snow this weekend. Don’t believe me? Check out these pics I snatched off of Facebook:

and some friends had the horrible, awful misfortune of being snowed in at The Homestead:

So this may be my last post for a week or so. Hope Santa is good to all of you and your holidays are filled with smiles, joy, and good times with your loved ones.

The Vinyl Village Quip of the Week

I haven’t featured a quip of the week in eons…but this one was too good to pass up.

“I cringed every time I stuck my fingers in those three holes, fearing something rank at the bottom of each. Plus, the holes were either too small, too large, too far apart, or too close together. And they felt greasy, surely providing a home to countless and untold multitudes of germs.”

What on Earth is he talking about? Well click on over to find out.

Well, Looky Here

Look what was waiting on my desk this morning. And that’s all I’m gonna say about that…

I Flashed “Fancy”–TMI Tuesdays

1. Have you ever mooned/flashed anyone? How long ago?

Yes! In high school, there was a country star performing in a nearby town one night. On the highway that evening, we spotted a giant tour bus that could only have held that star. (I want to say it was Reba McEntire, but the details are lost to time.) So I dropped trou and pressed my booty up against the window of the big ole Lexus we were riding around in and gave Reba a show.

2. Pick an animal that best displays your personality.

I think we did this one a few weeks ago, didn’t we? But since we are on the subject of animals, mom called the other day to report that she was a “tiger” for having a date with a man at least a decade her junior. Yeah, mom, I think the kitty you were searching for is a COUGAR. But whatever.

3. Do you mail out holiday cards, and if so, how do you pick the list?

I normally do, but won’t this year. Try to get all the family members, close friends, and those friends that I want to stay in touch with.

4. How often do you wear something sexy to get attention (lingerie, low cut dress, silk boxers, etc…)?

Never. But I take requests. (And silk boxers? Really? I had a pair of those once and they were awful. They slide, twist, and offer no support.)

5. Have you ever tasted breast milk SINCE you were an adult?

Gag. I’m not even convinced I did as a baby. According to my crazy mama, neither my sister nor myself were “titty babies”

Bonus: Do you like “talking” when you have sex?

Well, I mean, I don’t want a stock report. Or to hear about  Aunt Sadie’s hip replacement. But a little naughty banter or letting loose a few words you wouldn’t say in public can add a certain something to the right moment.

Double Bonus: If Santa is a guy, how is it that he never seems to get lost?

He used to. But he had GPS installed on Donder’s butt a few years ago, and it’s been fine since then.

Monday Morning Mish Mash

1. Think it would be rude to send the above clip to my realtor? Probably so, huh? I don’t think a soul has even been to look at it and I want that house gone yesterday.

2. Do you do holiday cards? I have for years, but I’m not doing them this year. I have absolutely no holiday spirit and judging by the number of cards I’ve gotten so far, no one else does either. And guess how many Christmas gifts I’ve bought so far? ONE.

3. I’m taking next week off. It’s the first time I’ve taken a whole week off and not gone to the beach in, well, maybe ever. Of course that means that eleventy million things must be done THIS week. And when I have a full plate, I just need to be left alone to get it done. Meaning if the Boss Man walks in to change his mind for the fourth time on how something should be done today, I might go postal. Not sure exactly what I’m doing with my week off. Will be heading to West Virginia at some point to spend Christmas with my friends and family there.

4. Still have some Christmas shopping to do? (Lawd knows I do!) Well look no further than Lohan House! That’s right kids, that pumpkin orange sometime-lesbian, all-the-time crack ho Lindsay Lohan, her pinched, tucked, and pulled mama Dinah, her allegedly teenaged sister Aliana, and her never-heard-of brother Mikey Junior are having a big ole internet yard sale where you can buy everything from their used gym shoes to their tacky throw pillows. No word on whether the items have been laundered, so you might have an extra bonus waiting in the pockets!

Dear Santa:

I’ve been a very good boy this year. And even when I’ve been bad, I’ve been good at it. I’m sure you have already chosen a few gifts from the Needful Things category here, but figured you might need a few more suggestions to finish your holiday shopping.

1. A twice a month cleaning lady. I realize that I’m sort of spread out among homes right now, but at some point in 2010 I hope to be in one place, and I do not want to spend my time in that one place scrubbing damned toilets. I’m not greedy, she doesn’t need to be there everyday or even every week. But just a couple times a month to do the big stuff. And if you could make her the sassy kind who dispenses advice and dry humor, I’ll leave you an extra cookie.

2. A little convertible. Nothing fancy…though if you’re feeling very generous I’d love a white BMW Z4. And I know it’s a $1300 option, but I want the white interior too.

3. And if a convertible won’t fit on the sleigh, I’ll settle for a panorama roof. Preferably attached to a Mercedes-Benz, but you can slap one on my Honda for all I care, I just want a glass roof.

4. A Teno diamond tension ring. I think they are pure art.

5.  A week’s worth of autobody work. Yes, yes, Santa, I did already have the bumper on the Honda repainted this year. But there’s a matter of a tire someone lost on the interstate. And I’m not selfish, I’ll share this gift with my dad, whose new car is sporting two smashed up doors and my little brother, whose Mustang bears the scars of a run in with a tunnel.

6. A Louis Vuitton carryall. Afterall, I’ve been wanting something with the little LV on it since way before you could buy a fake at every flea market and back alley in the world. And a little Louis duffle is perfect for overnight trips and weekend jaunts.

7. A massage. After the year I’ve had, I’m wound up tighter than a virgin at a prison rodeo. An hour or two of deep tissue massage would be just the thing I need to unwind.

8. A good dishwasher. A really good one. That will dissolve a whole turkey if needed. And will do it so quietly that a colicky baby could sleep right on top of it.

9. Some classic memorabilia. Like this gorgeous lamp from the Italian design house of Frajeeelay.

Seriously, though, would love an autographed script from any one of my favorite TV shows. (and speaking of which, you can stuff my stocking with Seasons Two and Three of Dexter!)

10. A winning lottery ticket. Doesn’t have to be to a huge jackpot. Just enough to allow me to retire comfortably.