A Very Sleepy TMI Tuesday

How timely that this week’s TMI Tuesday should be about sleep, which is something I’ve had some trouble doing lately.

1. Do you have “your” side of the bed? Which side?

Yes…I sleep on the right side (or is it the left?) It’s the right side as you face the footboard, but the left as you face the headboard. I’m not sure how this became my side. When Honey and I met, we were on different sides depending on whose house we were at, but once we shacked up, I was on the right.

2. How old is your pillow and what condition is it in?

I require several big, fluffy, firm pillows to sleep. I have a king sized pillow and two regular ones. One to sort of put between my knees, one to wrap my arms around, and one for my head. The one for my head has to be replaced about every six months.

3. What is your favorite position to sleep in?

On my right side, with the above mentioned arrangement of pillows.

4. How often do you change your sheets?

As in get a new set? Not often because the sheets I like are expensive. But they get washed once a week.

5. What helps you fall asleep when insomnia strikes?

Tylenol PM. Or sex. But Tylenol PM is always in the mood to be taken, so it’s a more surefire way.

6. Does sex make you sleepy or energized?

Nighttime sex is very relaxing. Morning sex can be invigorating.

7. What is the minimum amount of sleep that you need to be functional the next day.

On a rare occasion, I can get by with just 4 or 5 hours. But I can only do that one day at a time. Typically, I need 7 or 8 to feel good.

Bonus (as in optional):Describe your most vivid dream.

I feel like I have shared this, but when I was in high school or something I had a very specific very vivid dream that I bought 50 Powerball tickets and won the specific amount of $152 million–an amount that the jackpot had never approached at the time. Some years later, in college, the jackpot hit that record amount, and I was so convinced that I was going to win that I drained my checking account to purchase 50 tickets. I defied the odds, alright, by not even winning a single dollar.

Monday Morning Mish Mash

1. I’ve been absent from the blogosphere for a few weeks. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball…and I’ve been thrown one hell of one, and I’m still swinging at it.

2. Last weekend, we got a shock when the outlaws called to tell us that Honey’s grandmother had passed away. Her health has been poor for the past  year or so, but her death was sudden and somewhat unexpected. So we flew off to Chicago for her services. They do funerals differently than I’m used to. I’m used to, at most, a two hour wake followed the next day by a short service at the funeral home and a drive to the cemetary. Just as common, a one-stop-shop where the wake precedes the burial and everyone is home in time for Oprah. But, Grandma was sent off with a SEVEN HOUR wake, a funeral home service, a full mass, and then graveside rites followed by a catered luncheon at a banquet hall. This, apparently, is reduced from the THREE DAY wake her husband had twenty years ago. Very different than I’ve experienced before, but a wonderful tribute to an incredible lady. I had the privilege of being the last man to ever dance with her. A few years ago when Honey’s sister got married, I’d had six too many gin and tonics and swept Grandma out onto the floor to shake her groove thing to Tupac’s “California Love.” She was a dear woman and will be missed very much.

3. Did you know “it is not against the law to have an erection in a public park or to have a sexual conversation with anybody who is an adult.” Thus sayeth the defense attorney for a former school superintendent who was found not guilty of soliciting an undercover cop for a parkside rendezvous.

4. And in other strange penis news…some old guy removed his own after being told there was a two year wait for a sex change. Now, I’m certainly no expert, but don’t they normally need the parts they remove to create the new parts? I should think old Roland Mery is quite disappointed with himself now, but apparently not: “From the moment I walked down the stairs after I did it I just felt right,” Roland said.  “I had repressed my feeling for so long. I had worked out exactly how I would do it and rehearsed it many times.  It proved to me afterwards that your brain and emotions could overpower you so much.  I had rehearsed the whole thing over and over.  SO when it came to actually doing it, the pain wasn’t an issue anymore.”  So, how does that conversation go? “Darling, I’ve sliced off my wang. I’ll clean up the bathroom as soon as the bleeding stops. Cheerio!”

5. I saw the most infuriating thing on the way to work this morning. First, it was a car going below the speed limit in the left lane, one of my all time top-five pet peeves. Oblivious to the fact that traffic was struggling to get around her. Even worse, as I passed her on the right I noticed her small son, unbuckled, leaning forward between the front seats talking to his Mom. Now, I know a kid can unbuckle themselves with a quickness unsurpassed by even Usain Bolt, but Mom was clueless, more intent on texting on her phone. Next to her sat another unbuckled child, and behind  her, a third one. Three unbuckled kids and a texting driver. Unbelievable!

 

Let’s PRETEND It’s Monday, MMM kay?

1. OK, so I’m still suffering from blogger’s block or a boring life or something, so I’m about four days late on this week’s Mish-Mash. Sorry I haven’t been around to read all my blog buddies as much as I’d like…it’s been one of those weeks.

2. A few of you follow me on Twitter. I must confess I still don’t exactly understand the point, but I always follow such online trends, I was on Friendster before MySpace made it passe. Then Facebook when MySpace became soooo 2005. And now I’m a tweeter. It’s always nice to log on and see a new follower. But beans and rice, I’ve been getting some spam followers lately!  Like Phillis, who tweets  “I’m a good girl. I don’t want to fuck you the first night but I do want to make you cum.”  A good girl? If you say so Phillis.

Or Karri, who shares that “If it goes up to your belly button I WANT WANT WANT YOU!” Maybe Phillis can let her know exactly where IT goes up to.

And Gerri, who is coming prepared just in case IT doesn’t reach as far as she hopes: “One night stand and i’m bringing my toys I like shy guys AND guys that are willing to try new stuff.”

3. I called to cancel my satellite radio subscription a week or so ago. This was the FOURTH time I’ve done so. I had it in my old car, and cancelled when I got my new one. Then I’ve called to cancel three more times as I try to reign in my budget. It’s impossible to just get online and cancel it or express such a desire to their automated system. You MUST talk to a representative. And each time they go through the same routine of “why are you cancelling?” and then this odd little dance of asking you which stations you listen to most so they can recommend others you might like in the hopes of getting you hopelessly hooked. Well I was hip to their game this time. When she asked what my favorite channels were I put together the two most disparrate ones on the programming schedule: OutQ (gay talk radio) and the Playboy channel.  If I’d thought quicker, I would have tossed in Catholic Chat or something. The woman stuttered and choked as she tried to come up with a recommendation, but ultimately failed to do so. By the end of the call, my account was NOT cancelled, but I was given six months for the price of one. Not too shabby for a 10 minute call.

4. Even my crazy mama isn’t giving me much blog fodder lately…although she is having some home electrical issues that may, according to  her, result in litigation against the power company. She claims that everything from her lamps to her refrigerator was blown up by a faultily installed power pole near her house. Methinks she’s just hoping to get some money outta somebody, because I have had to make it clear that my well is dry as far as she is concerned. She hasn’t been calling three times a day as usual. This probably means she has a new man, or has recycled one of her old ones. I’ll keep you posted.

5. There are about 160 miles left on my car’s warranty. For the past couple of months, there has been an intermittant rattle from somewhere behind me that drives me absolutely batshit crazy. Tomorrow it’s going to the shop…anyone wanna lay odds that the rattle disappears until I’ve put about 161 more miles on her?

Funniest Song I’ve Heard in a Long Time

You’ve gotta listen to this…absolutely hilarious!

Of Broken Pipes and Burned Towels

Most of the disasters we’ve had around this house have been self-inflicted. Long time readers might recall that last year we remodeled the master bath–a month long do-it-yourself project that had us stumbling over scraps of molding, marble, and backer board until we finally threw our hands up and called in a professional to get us on track.

Since the house is only a few years old, unexpected disasters have been few and far between. In fact, I can’t recall any. But all good things must come to an end…

The other night we were taking some recycling out when Honey remarked while pointing to the garage ceiling “I never noticed what a bad job they did on that patch job.” (When we bought the house, the builder had part of the garage ceiling torn out to put in piping for the second floor laundry room). We looked closer. And it wasn’t a bad paint job, it was water.

We rushed upstairs to see what was leaking and discovered a puddle of water in the pan under the washing machine. We promptly shattered the same pan trying to pull the washer out to figure out where the water was coming from. There was no evidence it was coming from anywhere…and I suspected it might have been a result of oversudsing (that’s a word, right?). Off to Home Depot we went to replace the shattered drain pan. One dead drill later, it was ready to be installed. As Honey crouched behind the washer, we decided to test the drain pipe under the washer to see why the overflow had gone through the ceiling rather than through the pipe and outside.

Water poured into the drain just stood there.

“Maybe it’s clogged.” Honey suggested, “Should I blow into it?”

“I guess.” I said, resisting the temptation to make the obvious blowing a pipe joke.

“Do I have to put my mouth on it?” the joke became harder to resist, but I managed.

Pushing some air through seemed to dislodge something, as the water disappeared. I rushed outside to make sure the water was exiting the pipe. It wasn’t. Nor was it exiting at the ceiling. Then I saw a puddle. On the other side of the garage, near where the pipe should have been discharging out the side of the house. A little poking with a coat hanger revealed that the exterior pipe was basically a sham–a little piece of PVC shoved into the wall that had no connection at all to the one coming down the wall. I cursed the builder, and thanked the Bankruptcy God for exacting revenge on him.

The next step was to make sure the washer wasn’t still leaking, so we did a small load of towels. All seemed good…no leaks anywhere. Again, I figured the previous overflow was probably caused by too much soap in the front-loading washer. We breathed a sigh of relief and threw the towels into the dryer. A little while later, I walked past the laundry room and heard a screaching noise. I opened the dryer to find a fringed handtowel hanging from the inner lip of the drum, being slowly twisted into the inside of the dryer. I yanked it loose and noticed the fringe was burned. Who knows how much longer it would have taken before the whole thing was ablaze.

TMI Tuesdays

After a few weeks off, it’s TMI Tuesday time! And for once, they aren’t sexual questions! (I swear, some of their questions make ME blush, and that is hard to do!) Technically, these are last week’s questions, but cut me some slack.

1. The three words that best describe you are ____, ____, and ____.

Worried. That I won’t have a job much longer and that I’ll be stuck in a flop  house eating cat food because there certainly are  no jobs to be had in my business.

Sore. I’ve started going to a different gym location that has a wider assortment of machines. I’m working muscles that have never been flexed in my life now. It hurts to walk up stairs.

A little sad. It’s been a tough few weeks…but getting better.

 2. The three words that best describe your life are ____, ____, and ____.

Blessed. That word seems wrong for some reason,  but I can’t think of a better one. I’ve been fortunate to have a career I love, great friends, enough financial success to be comfortable, and someone to share it with. Can’t ask for much more.

Crazy. If you have read many of my life stories here, you know it’s true.

 Frustrating.

3. Your three guilty pleasures are ____, ____, and ____.

Peanut butter sandwiches. MMMM. I love a peanut butter sandwich, made with my Grandmother’s homemade jelly.

Naps. Nothing better than an afternoon nap.

Being a lil high maintenance. Of course, if I had tons of money to justify the expense I’d do it more often, but a good massage, pedicure, or a good haircut do a lot to improve morale.

4. The three places you would like to visit before you die are ____, ____, and ____.

Europe by ship. I’d love to make a leisurely crossing (in a stateroom bigger than my house of course), then spend a few weeks seeing all the usual touristy stuff, then unwind with another crossing back home.

Australia. Just because I think it would be a lot of fun to tour the outback.

Dubai. Because they have built some absolutely amazing things there.

 5. The three things you would like to do before you die are ____, ____, and ____.

Take the trips above.

Build my dream house.

Fly a plane.

Bonus (slightly modified from original): If your life were ending, what three to five “flashes” would sum it up at this point?

Hmmm…this is tough! A few things stick out, though:

Shortly after Honey and I met, we spent a weekend at the beach. It was one of my favorite times together–fun, passionate, and one of the first times I felt like we were really connected. So that would probably be there.

Getting my first car. That’s a big deal to anyone, but maybe even more so to me, cause I love to drive and I love cars.

Any number of fun times from college–those really were some of the best years of my life. (Perhaps it would be the night I threw up all over the hood of a drag queen’s pick  up truck? Or the night I was awakened from my slumber under a glass coffee table by the police?)

Family vacations. My favorite ones have been the ones where we didn’t really “do” much, just hanging out at the beach and playing games with a healthy supply of adult beverages.

Going back to childhood…playing demolition derby with the rolling chairs in my grandmother’s basement, “Stone School” on her stairs, and making goofy movies with my other cousins in the family room.