An HOA Officer No More!

Last night marked the end of my third term as a member of my homeowner’s board.

Hal-a-fuggin-loo-yah!

I wrote about my tenure in another post –it hasn’t been a bad position to have, but after three years, I was more than ready to pass the torch. I’d advised the board I wouldn’t seek re-election and even convinced a neighbor to take my place. But still, I was feeling a little melancholy about the decision as I entered the meeting place last night. That is, until the residents started opening their mouths…

One lady suggested some ways the board might better communicate with the members. She meant well, and offered solutons rather than just shouting problems. But another lady chimed in that we were AWFUL at conveying meetings, projects, and other information…and pointed out that she hadn’t even known that our annual meeting was being held until her neighbor told her.

Board member: “Didn’t you see the signs posted at each entrance since last week?”

Lady: “Well, I’m usually on the phone with my employees as soon as I pull out of my driveway, so I didn’t even notice them.”

Board member: “It was also in your annual dues statement, along with proxies.”

Lady: “Yeah, but I got that almost two months ago!” (guess she has never heard of “marking her calendar”)

Board member: “If you’re on the email list, you also got two email reminders.”

Lady: “Yeah, I’ve never signed up on the website.”

So, signs, letters, and emails aren’t enough? I’m not sure what more she expected, but I imagine it would be cost prohibitive to have a plane circle the neighborhood with a banner. I’m thinking the old flaming bag of dog shit, clearly marked with the time and date of meetings, of course, is the best way to inform folks like her.

And with that conversation, I knew I had made the right decision.

Clear!!

When my crazy mama got her second divorce, her newly-ex-husband met her in the hall after the decree was handed down and gave her a little dee-vorce gift. Well, it wasn’t little exactly…but it was a plastic, vibrating device in the shape of a certain body part that the ex-husband hoped would keep mom from “needing another man.”

Mom feigned offense at the “gift” but, of course, she kept it. Anyone opening the linen cabinet in her master bath was likely to have it fall right out on their foot. (I should point out that it remained in its packaging for years, coming out of the box for the first time–far as I know–when I was in high school and a knowing friend chased someone around the house with it)

Anyhoo…mama did, it turned out, need another man. She dated frequently, and babysitting duties were left to my grandmother, who grudgingly spent many a night at our house to see that my sister and I got to bed on time. One evening, my normally reserved grandmother fumed, “I don’t know why she feels like she has to run right out and find another husband! It can’t be for sex, she’s got a defibrillator in her bathroom!”

I suppose, if used properly, a dildo could get the heart pumping…but grandma’s gaffe still cracks me up a dozen years later.

Coming Soon To a Dirty Book Store Near You: Octopussy?

Baby dispenser Nadya Suleman has received a job offer that seems to be a perfect match for her skill set. Since she has significant experience in A. withdrawing sperm, B. whoring herself out for the cameras, and C. using her reproductive bits to try to make a living for herself, the $1 million offer she has to star in a porno film is no doubt one that’s making her stretch marks quiver with excitement! Vivid entertainment has also hinted that, were Nadya to become a contract player with them (i.e. they think the idea of multiple movies starring her is a good idea…ick) they could even provide health insurance for her and her brood of test tube babies. (No word if their health plan covers fertility treatments.)

The Los Angeles NBC affiliate, perhaps summed it up best: “In case anyone was thinking that someone with that many children wouldn’t make a good porn star, keep in mind her numerous kids were all fathered through artificial insemination and delivered through C-section. We’re just saying.”

TMI Tuesdays!

This week’s installation of TMI Tuesday even made me blush!

1. What do you find is the most exciting part of a new sexual encounter?

I assume this means a new encounter with a new person? By that measure, it’s been so long I honestly don’t recall…but probably just seeing what lies beneath the clothing. There’s something nice and honest and refreshing about seeing someone naked, them seeing you naked, and still wanting to jump each other’s bones.

2. Do you have “a most exciting part of a sexual encounter” with a usual partner?

No. I’m just excited if we have one.

3. How open and honest are you about your life with someone you just met?

That depends entirely upon how many vodka tonics I have consumed.

4. How open and honest are you about your life with someone you work with?

I work with a small group, and feel like we’re all friends. So probably more so than in a typical cubical farm environment.

5. How open and honest are you about your life with a casual acquaintance who lives in your neighborhood (or the parent of your child’s friend or…)?

Well, I’m not going to tell them about my bowel movements, or my sex life, or my bank balances. But I’ll say hello and genuinely mean it when I ask “How are ya?”

Bonus (as in optional): Define a “normal” as in “normal relationship” or “normal sex life”.

Hell if I know…but the world would be a happier place if everyone were as open and free spirited as Red over at Dr. Pepper is Good for the Soul.

The 2009 Tax Code

 

2009 Tax Code

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts! HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2009, the penis will now be taxed according to size: The brackets are as follows:  10 – 12″ Luxury Tax $ 300.00 8 – 10″ Pole Tax $ 250.00 5 – 8″ Privilege Tax $ 150.00 3 – 5″ Nuisance Tax $ 30.00 Males exceeding 12″ must file capital gains.   Anyone under  3″ is eligible for a tax refund. ** PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION **

Does This Mean I’m Nuts?

A week or so ago,  a fellow blogger was talking about cleaning, and how she tends to keep things out of guilt, allowing sentiment to exist when there is no rational basis for it. It got me thinking: I do the same thing. But I take it a step beyond. 

Example: I have box after box of cards I’ve been given–all the way back to my high school graduation. Now, granted, they are all shoved into attractive, matching faux-leather containers, so they aren’t presenting a clutter problem, but WHY?? I have crayons and ink pens and playing cards that I got as gifts when my age was a single digit. WHY??

On some level, I know it’s silly to keep such things. I’ve even brought myself to toss most of them at one time or another. That card from Great Aunt Sally that marked my birthday five years ago? It was on top of the trash can until I pictured old Sally searching the aisles of Hallmark for the PERFECT card to send me, then cheerfully dropping it into the mailbox, content in the knowledge that it would bring a smile to my face. How can I toss something that Aunt Sally put such effort into for little ole me? And the answer is, I CAN’T! Does that mean I’m nuts?

I also tend to personify inanimate objects. When I trade a car, I’ve caught myself, days later, picturing the trade-in huddled on the used car lot wondering what it did to deserve being kicked out of it’s nice warm garage. Angry that it had carried me so many miles only to be thrown over for a newer and faster model. Does that make me certifiable? Probably not, plenty of people give their cars names, which is sort of the same thing, right?

But I do the same thing, to a lesser degree, whenever I think it’s time to toss an old souvenir, stocking stuffer, or trinket. And the longer these items stick around, the worse it gets. That stamped leather wallet, brought back from the Smokey Mountains years ago by a well meaning relative? (I don’t even recall which one!) It’s been relegated to the “TOSS” pile a half dozen times, but then I picture the poor, tacky thing pleading “Why? After ALL these years?” Does that qualify me for a week’s stay in a padded room?

I guess I’m just a sentimental fool…

Monday Morning Mish Mash

1. Is there any better feeling than waking up in the middle of the night, rolling over, and seeing that you still have SIX hours til the alarm goes off?? I normally have the opposite happen…roll over to see there are only ten minutes before I have to get up…but the other night, I woke from a deep sleep with that feeling that it MUST be time to get up…only to be delighted to see it was only 12:30! Have I ever mentioned how much I love to sleep?

2. At the awards ceremony I was at the other week, the emcee introduced someone as “Sarah Johnson Johnson” . He then followed it with a joke about how Sarah had liked her maiden name so much she had set out to find a man with the same common name so she wouldn’t  have to change it. Later, I heard him call her “Sarah Johnson Johnson” again, and I thought he was either stumbling over his words or making too much of a not-very-funny joke. Imagine my surprise when I  came across Mrs. Johnson’s name in the news a few days later and she actually goes by Sarah Johnson Johnson. What the hell?? (Name changed to protect the completely idiotic).

3. Well, the Oscars are over for another year. I’ve always wanted to throw the mother of all Oscar parties. Complete with a red carpet, fancy clothes, and for everyone in attendance to make their “picks” beforehand. Someday….someday. And, speaking of the Oscars, I was in the home of an academy member last Friday. Unfortunately, he had already jetted off to something Oscar related,  so I couldn’t get an inside scoop on the winners. BUT, I did spot a  specially encrypted “screener” DVD at the house. I had no idea what the hell that was, and I doubt you do either. So I googled it up HERE. It keeps those academy folks honest, I suppose.

4. My internet wasn’t working the other night. And after exhausting the extent of my technology knowledge (i.e.: I rebooted everything and it still didn’t work) I called my provider. The recording advised me that they were “experiencing UNUSUALLY high call volume.” Give me a break! It says that every single time I’ve ever called them. Don’t insult me by pretending it’s unusual! Change that recording to say “Even after shipping all of our call center jobs to India, we still don’t have enough staff to handle the ORDINARY CALL VOLUME.” and at least I will respect the honesty.

Search Term Saturdays

Someone stopped by this week by searching: 

“how to screw up your kid”

They probably got some good pointers if they stuck around long enough to read any of the stories about my crazy mama, but I think you have to do most of those things when the kid is young for max. effect. My mama didn’t flip out big time until I was practically grown, so other than the stack of frozen human heads I keep in the freezer, I turned out OK. (I joke.)

But here are some other ideas:

1. Get tattoos of your kids on your body. A guy in my neighborhood has very detailed portraits of his toddlers tattooed on his chest. (ahh, the things you see at the community pool!) Once those kids get a little older, nothing will seem creepier than knowing Mommy is staring down at a photo-real likeness of them when Daddy lets her get on top. A local radio personality has the names of her grandkids tattooed on her ass. Is there anything more disturbing than thinking of your grandmother with your name inked on her backside??

2. Get your kids involved in Show Business! The younger, the better. It’s an almost fool proof way to assure that they will get hooked on drugs, form the lowest sort of sexual standards for themselves, and generally set them on a path to bat shit crazy-dom. Closely related is to turn your little bundle of joy into an airbrushed, hair sprayed, bustle-skirt wearing pageant prostitot! (yeah, yeah, I know, some of them are “scholarship programs”)

3. Fake illness! Properly done, this tactic is not only sure to screw up your kid, but can land you some extra cash, some attention, and maybe even a free stay in one of our federal penal resorts! You can even fake the child’s death, like one couple did, to get out of work for a few days.

4. Or, just bear a child into THIS Florida family. Grandpa-dad had sex with his daughter-girlfriend (who, natch, had a tattoo that read “Daddy’s Girl” on  her ass) in front of the 7 year old they had made in a prior session of incestuous love makin’. And you thought those things only happened in the Appalachians!

For You Social Networkers Out There

I ran across this on a friend’s Facebook page. Basically you post this photo on your facebook or myspace page, and then “tag” which of your friends best fits each character. Looks like great fun!

Since I know several of you use some social networking sites, I thought you might enjoy using this! Feel free to steal it–I did!

A New Honor

“This award acknowledges the values that every Blogger displays in their effort to transmit cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values with each message they write. Awards like this have been created with the intention of promoting community among Bloggers. It’s a great way to show appreciation and gratitude for work that adds value to the Web.”

 

Snooty Primadonna received this award, and in turn has bestowed it upon The Vinyl Village. As always, I am very honored, even if I’m not sure that “EACH MESSAGE” I write here fits the criteria! If you don’t “know” Snooty, I’d suggest you check out her blog. Whether she is recalling her time in Aspen, or as a boarding school brat, or just sharing a delicious recipe, she will entertain and inform you.

Now, I believe that the rules call for me to give this to 15 others. As you might know, I never follow the rules, but here are some blogs I think worthy of both this award, and of you checking them out:

Worst Damn Blog –Josh is practically my parent’s neighbor, so he knows the curves, neighborhoods, and places of my childhood. He’s been a reminder to me of what a small world we really live in, and he’s got a great blog too. (with a work-in-progress CUSTOM theme. Which impresses the heck out of someone who knows nothing about building a website)

Looking over my favorite blogs, I realize I am drawn, by and large, to a certain type of blog: one that mixes current events, entertainment news, and general knowledge in with personal stories that allow me to “know” the writer and relate to their points of view. Ones that might have a touching story about the writer’s family right next to an opinion piece on a popular TV show or a new album. Ones with variety and personality. And I think the following bloggers do that very well:

The Girl From The Ghetto

Tall Tales From a Short Chick

A Round World Through Square Glasses

Since part of the award is recognizing those who promote community among bloggers, I would be totally remiss if I didn’t mention MJ at Note to Self. She has always stood out in my mind as someone who is excellent at that!  My friends The Incredible Woody and Big Hair Envy, through their consistent commenting, are also excellent at building community among the blog community.

And finally, I am presenting this award to someone who isn’t a blogger at all yet, but who I think SHOULD be. Cuteasasa, a consistently witty commenter here and at other blogs, is free–no, encouraged–to make this award the very first entry at a brand new blog. Hint Hint!