The Best of Judge Judy

In what is destined to become a regular feature here, I present the Best of Judge Judy…this one almost doesn’t need comment. It’s a long clip–ten minutes or so. If you don’t have the patience for all of it, skip to the last two minutes or so.

Abercrombie Puts Ugly Employees in the Stock Room

I don’t think I’ve ever purchased an item of clothing from Abercrombie and Fitch. I’m too old for it now, but even when I was young enough to pull off that look I just couldn’t bring myself to pay top dollar for clothes that looked like they do when they are on their way to the Goodwill bin.  You would think they would at least steam an $80 shirt a little before putting it on the rack.

Which is not to say that I have no appreciation at all for the brand. Their catalogs, back before the prudes had their way, were page after page of art book style eye candy. Their stores are filled with posters of good looking people, and on that wonderous shopping day called Black Friday, you are greeted at the door by a buxom and firm young woman in her underwear and a ripped, fat free, young buck who is wearing, at most, his boxer shorts.

So given that their emphasis seems to be on an association with pretty people rather than quality clothing (opinion only–their raggedy looking jeans are very well made for all I know), it should come as no surprise that ugly people need not apply to work the registers at their stores. That, according to this story.  Apparently, employees are moved to the stock rooms if they are deemed not hot enough to work out front. Abercrombies secret shoppers answer questions about how attractive the employees are, and one lawyer involved with the inevitable lawsuits says that the jobs are   “a cattle call and you are hired based on looks, not your ability to fold clothes…”. (Although, is “folding clothes” really a refined skill? I mean, all you need is arms to do that, right?)

So, I’ll continue to leer like the dirty old man that I am, but I won’t go into the stores anymore. They’d probably rate me a zero and put me to scrubbing the terlits.

Republican National Convention Schedule of Events

Didn’t have to keep you waiting too long…

as an almost-equal opportunity jokester, I present

The Republican National Convention Schedule of Events

* 7:00 pm – Ceremonial burning of the U.S. Constitution
* 7:15 pm – Spiritual Medium Sylvia Browne performs psychic séance in desperate attempt to raise Ronald Reagan from the grave
* 7:35 pm – “The Pleasu res of Adultery” – with Newt Gingrich & Rudy Giuliani
* 8:05 pm – Gay sex party in Men’s Restroom hosted by Senator Larry Craig
* 8:35 pm – Transvestite Ann Coulter – “My Life as a Man”
* 8:55 pm – Live satellite feed from Federal Prison – Ohio Rep. Bob Ney
* 9:05 pm – Guest speaker ex-Florida Congressman Mark Foley ” Joys with Young Boys”
* 9:25 pm – Oliver North – ” Iran is Evil, but I sold them weapons anyway”
* 9:40 pm – Bill O’ Reilly – ” The costs of sexual harassment and phone sex with employees”
* 10:00 pm – Gay sex party in Men’s Room hosted by Ken Mehlman and Geraldo Rivera
* 10:25 pm – Check John McCain to see if he’s still breathing and if his adult diaper needs changed.
* 10:35 pm – N.R.A. President hosts an assault riffle target practice on Gays and Mexicans.
* 10:45 pm – Call emergency squad after a drunken Dick Cheney accidentally shoots his friend in the face.
* 11:00 pm – President Bush performs his hilarious comedy routine where he looks for Iraq’s fictitious WMD’s under guests tables.
* 11:15 pm – Governor Mike Huckabee does his famous uncanny imitation of Gomer Pyle.
* 11:20 pm – Group intervention to get Rush Limbaugh back into drug rehab
* 11: 45 pm – Go up on rooftop and throw rocks down at homeless Vets sleeping in alley.
* 12:00 am – Live satellite feed from Federal Prison – California Congressman Randy “Duke” Cunningham
* 12:20 am – Convicted felon/Fox News analyst G. Gordon Liddy – Lock picking secrets
* 12: 40 am – Guest speakers Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz – “How to lie your Country into a War”
* 1:00 am – Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay – “Tips on Money Laundering”
* 1:15 am – Hookers arrive for after party

Democratic National Convention, Schedule of Events

I’m sure the schedule for the Republican convention will be out soon, but since the Democratic one starts this week, figured I better get this out there…

2008 DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION SCHEDULE OF EVENTS

7:00 pm Opening Flag Burning

7:15 pm Pledge of Allegiance in Spanish

7:20 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

7:25 pm Non Religious prayer and worship with Rev Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton

7:45 pm Ceremonial Tree Hugging

7:55 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

8:00 pm How I Invented the Internet – Al Gore

8:15 pm Gay Wedding Planning – Barney Frank presiding

8:35 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast and explains the new Amnesty Program

8:40 pm Our Troops are War Criminals – John Kerry

9:00 pm Memorial Service for Saddam and his sons – Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon

10:00 pm Answering Machine Etiquette – Alec Baldwin

11:00 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:05 pm Collection for the Osama Bin Laden Kidney Transplant Fund – Barbra Streisand

11:15 pm Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay – Sean Penn

11:30 pm Oval Office Affairs – William Jefferson Clinton

11:45 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:50 pm How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Center Towers – Howard Dean

12:15 am ‘Truth in Broadcasting’ Award – Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore

12:25 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

12:30 am Satellite Address by Mohammed Ahmadinejad

12:45 am Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi

1:00 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast and provides swimming lessons

1:35 am Hillary Rodham Clinton announces Bill Clinton as her running mate for VP

1:40 am Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home

Monday Morning Mish Mash

1. I spent part of the weekend in Asheville, NC which is apparently the butch lesbian capital of the world. Never have the words “was that a man or a woman?” passed my lips so many times. Androginy aside, it’s a great little town. Pack your flannel and add it to your list of places to go if you haven’t already.

2. I was the weekly winner over at Tom’s Hideaway. For those who don’t know, Tom had a great little trivia challenge–a new set of ten questions every day. If you’re a trivia buff–hop over there and sign up!

3. The Queen may have started the next viral blog meme with her “ask me anything” post last week. I promptly stole it from her, a few folks promptly stole it from me, and I figure by Labor Day it will have crawled over the blogosphere. Great idea, Queen!

4. Going back to trivia…I may have done well at Tom’s last week but I sucked last night as I attempted to play one of those automated bar trivia games. There were two others in the bar playing, and damned if I didn’t lose to both of them. I simply can’t be bothered to recall who the mothers of Greek Gods were. My brain can only hold so much, and that threshold is apparently somewhere beneath recalling the stars of little know movies of the 1940’s.

5. So Barack Obama named his running mate. Is it just me, or have you gotten sick of this election? Elections have become like Christmas–they seem to start earlier every cycle, and by the time the actual event arrives, you’re so damned tired of hearing about it you wanna scream. And this year we have two contenders–one who doesn’t seem to offer anything but “CHANGE” and the other who is so senile he can’t even remember how many houses he has. Can we just check “none of the above??”

6. Sunday was “closet cleaning” day. I guess it had been awhile because there were 50 things to give to charity in addition to probably 20 things that just got tossed. What’s great about cleaning out your closet is that you always find a few things you forgot you had…I’ll spend all week with a “new again” wardrobe.

7. This weeks little motivational poster has a point. What’s with kids feeling they have to flash some hand signal in pictures? They cant just say CHEESE anymore. They have to flash a peace symbol. Or some gangster sign. Do they think it’s cool? Surprise kids! It’s NOT…you look stupid as hell, and the pictures will haunt you later in life.

Faith Evans is NOT Afraid to Whoop Some Ass

Faith Evans is, in my opinion, a beautiful and talented artist. Her late husband was “Biggie Smalls” for those of you who don’t know. What this beautiful woman saw in a morbidly obese “playa” is beyond me…but they say love is blind. Even more puzzling is that she stayed with him while he cheated on her over and over and over again. After he passed, she even had a hit with “I’ll Be Missing You”–a song dedicated to his honor. Personally, I would have been singing “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead”, but who am I to judge?

Any-ole-how, Faith’s life story is coming out this week, and in it she relays that she is not afraid to kick a bitch’s ass. According to Page Six: “The R&B songbird hunted down his lovers and beat them to a pulp. “I thought maybe kicking some ass would get the word out that chicks better think twice before messing with my husband,” Evans writes in her new autobiography, “Keep the Faith.” Once, she hopped a red-eye to Virginia, where Biggie (real name Christopher Wallace) was touring, and found a young hottie in a plaid school uniform in his hotel room. She writes: “[I] jumped on top of her and started beating her ass . . . ‘Yo, Ma you need to chill!’ Big said, ‘I didn’t even [bleep] her!’ I mashed [her] in the face and then kicked her. ‘Yeah, well, you should have,’ I said.” Another time, she found a cutie’s photo and number in Biggie’s car, traced her to a Bronx apartment and, together with a male pal, gave her “a brief but thorough beat-down.”

Now, you might recall that I wished Elizabeth Edward’s would have gotten a little crazy when her husband admitted to cheating. But I think Faith got it a little wrong. It should have been her husband who was on the receiving end of an ass whoopin. After all, it was HIM, not these hootchies, who made vows to her.

Ask The Villager

Alright You Know you want to know

The Queen tagged me to do a meme, but I suffering from such a case of word constipation that I couldn’t even finish that, so I’m stealing this idea instead. Hopefully, her highness doesn’t mind.

Ask Me anything and I will answer
Don’t be shy
Ask as many questions as you want
Come on, I dare ya
All I ask is be kind, not cruel
so y’all don’t have to read them in the comment section
I will post here

I’m ready, let the wild rumpus begin !!!!

Big Hair Asked:

1. How often do you use the word “rumpus” in a sentence? Not nearly often enough!

2. Where did you go to college? Miss Sally Struthers accepted me with full scholarship to International Correspondence School.

3. Do you believe that you fit in better with hillbillies or corporate types? I fit in best with Hillbilly Corporate Types. These are few and far between, of course. But several have made it big in the worlds of monster trucking, professional wrestling, mobile home manufacturing, above ground swimming pool installation, and, of course, Aqua Net.

4. Fried Chicken or Steak? Fried steak! With chicken gravy if possible.

Joan Asked:

1. DO I refer to you as Vinyl, Villager, Vinyl Villager (I’m looking for nickname here) or VV (that is not a W it is V V)? I’ve never really thought about it, but I suppose I should. You’re of course welcome to call me whatever you would like…just “V” or “Villager” suits me fine. VV too..but you’re right, that looks confusing.

2. What part of the country do you live in? You don’t have to say which state. If you prefer you can just say N S E or W. Actually maybe you don’t even live in this country. I’m hoping you ARE on this planet. There are days when I feel like Im on another planet…but yes, I am a citizen of Earth. I live down South…about halfway between Charlotte and Atlanta.

3. What kind of work do you do if any? You could be just a rich person traveling around the world, maybe a jet-setter. I wish I were idly rich…I spend my days designing houses, which is not a good field to be in right now. I think I’m gonna call up Sally Struthers and see if I can get another degree.

Philly #1 Asked:
Anyone special in your life right now? I see your pic,,,,not a bad looking bannana. Maybe I could hook you up with college girl. You have a job, nice looking, I don’t see any loser qualities at all!!! Or maybe, you come off as a losr and she will be smitten. Who cares about the age difference as long as Mommy and Daddy approve.

Well thanks! I feel a lot better about myself since I came down from the tower and had my hump fixed. LOL. I think all the people in my life are special. But to answer your question…I’m not on the market anymore.

Big Hair Asked:

Is the architecture business as slow as the surveying business right now? YES!! Its scary how dead it is.

What job will you take if you need to resort to something else to pay the bills? (I’m REALLY looking for suggestions!) I have no idea…I imagine it would have to be something at drastically reduced salary…what I do now is all I’ve ever done. (But I am considering going back to school)

How do you know Trailer Park Barbie? (MY BFF!) I met her at my family reunion! LOL! Seriously, we are family, and it was her suggestion that I start a blog.

The Queen Asked:

where is your dream home located? I’ve designed myself about 4 dream houses…I’ll figure out a way to show them to you sometime. As for location–if money were no object, Id like a home at the beach, a little condo in a big city, and a big house in a town that was just big enough to be fun, but small enough to feel like home.

what’s your favorite cocktail? gin and tonics!

Boxers, briefs or nuthin? mostly briefs or boxer briefs cause I go to the gym at lunch and plain ole boxers let things slap around too much.

Do you participate in public displays of affection? No. Unless elevators count.

SNL or MADTV? SNL, though it isnt as good as it used to be.

Whats your significant others first name? Honey or baby. Seriously. If we start callin first names, it means someone is mad or aggravated.

Aren’t you glad I found your blog months ago? I sure am!

Lori Asked:

Are you mad with power sitting on the board of your HOA? Naa…I wish I had more though. So I could tow the cars that people park on the streets.

Red Asked:

straight or gay? I’m buysexual. If you buy me something I’ll get sexual.

and yes, i’ve often wondered the VV or V or Villager thing too. Thanks, Joan. Slightly related to the above question…my first thought was “Villager” but then it sounded like I ought to be dressed up as a construction worker or an Indian…so I think no on that.

Can I steal this? Absolutely! I did! (Thanks Queen!)

Write Yourself a Letter

My muse must have gone on vacation. For two days now I’ve tried to think of something to write, so that I can bury the picture of Michael Phelps standing alongside John Kerry because if I don’t Big Hair Envy is going to send a posse out to kill me. It could be that my muse is afraid to write now that I’ve been threatened with a subpoena.

Any-ole-how, since I’ve nothing to write about, I thought you might want to write to yourselves over at a site called Future Me. You can type up a little email, tell it when to send it, and then forget about it until it arrives in your inbox. There’s also a bunch of other people’s emails you can read, which will provide a few laughs.

 (thanks Graydon)

Who Knew THEY Were Twins?

Olympic Hero Boy Michael Phelps                       Presidential Wanna Be John Kerry

Monday Morning Mish Mash

1. A new study says that West Virginia, my home state, is the most medicated state in the country. The study says its because its a state full of fat smokers with arthritis.  Over 17 prescriptions per person per year puts WV about 50 percent ahead of the average–but that’s nothing. I have one family member who apparently takes 19 prescriptions A MONTH. We figure she doesn’t even eat anymore because all the pills keep her full.

2. Has anyone read anything from the TWILIGHT series? A few folks have said that I would like them, but I dunno…

3. Somebody shit in the pool again. One of my first posts was about the Shit Bandit who plagued the Vinyl Village’s pool last summer. Well, someone let their baby’s didy leak again this year and the pool was closed for shock treatment. The pool guy found the turd, chained the pool gates and placed a sign on the fence around 9 AM that morning. As all of us board members work, we didn’t know anything about it til later that night. Well, some homeowner with too much time on her hands, emailed the board to say that she thought a sign should be placed at the entrances to the neighborhood if the pool must be closed, and an email sent out. Sorry, lady, the pool guy doesn’t carry a laptop with him, and if it’s too much trouble to go to the pool to find out if its open or not, maybe you ought to just keep your ass at home. The pool guy is very good at putting signs up at the pool, even letting us know when he will be back to reopen it. But a poo in the pool is never planned, so the Board can’t let you know about it beforehand.

4. I played with an honest to God breast implant this weekend. It wasn’t installed–don’t worry. A friend who used to work at a hospital obtained it somehow. (I won’t say more in case I incriminate them). I can’t fathom how or why someone would insert one into themselves. It wasn’t the shape or firmness of a breast (though I imagine, once inserted, the surrounding muscles help that some) And it was very unsophisticated–it looked like a big, mushy version of one of those balls you squeeze for stress. I’ve always wondered what happens to implanted boobs once age takes it’s toll. Do the implants stay up, high and tight, while the natural breast sags off of it? Or does the whole thing, real boob and all, sag? Either scenario sounds hideous.

5. Why is it that when I tell my computer to “end program” it takes so blasted long for it to do it? The whole point of that little task manager box is to end something that isnt responding. When I hit “end program” I mean NOW dammit!